The Ole Diet

I lost about 7 lbs after my first week on an official "diet".  I had a few bumps in the road over the weekend but am back at it again today.  I am counting down the days until my Christmas vacation.  I have 9 days of work left (some weekends in between) and I can't wait.  I do, however, worry about my eating during the holidays.  My current diet plan is to drop some weight so that I don't have to worry about gaining a big chunk during my vacation.  I know we will be going to a lot of parties, having family over, and all around living on an irregular schedule. 

I wish eating was easier for me.  I wish it wasn't always a struggle and something on my mind.  I know I am in the home stretch before my surgery and things will be easier then.  I also can't fool myself.  I know it will still be a struggle.

I have been baking a ton, but not really eating any.  It is full blown Christmas prep at our house with gifts being wrapped, decorations going up and so on.  I am not huge Christmas person, but I am trying to really dig in this year.

Mental Satisfaction verses Physical Satistifaction

My husband and I went out to eat on Saturday night.  I had worked all day and I was tired and didn't want to deal with dinner.  I am trying really hard to stick to this diet (and have done top notch for the past 5 days).  I was feeling confident that I could make good choices... I was on my third day and figured I was over most of my cravings and had been very dedicated thus far.  I have been eating a lot of chicken and figured it would be a good choice to get fish.  I don't like fish, but I don't hate it either.  I won't eat it at home because of the smell so this was a good time to eat this healthy protein.  I made my mind up before I went, I would get the fish broiled with grilled zucchini and green beans.  I will drink water.

Once I got inside the restaurant and was waiting for my husband to meet me the challenge began.  I looked at all the other things on the menu I would rather have.  I started making bargains with myself.  I could have the fish but then I could get a salad with ranch... and maybe a baked potato.  Then the waitress dropped off bread.  It smelled so good.  I was not going to eat the bread... but I really wanted the bread.  My husband finally showed up and I started telling him how much I was struggling.  He decided to order a beer and asked what was on draft... the waitress rattled off a list and I heard her say, "Angry Orchard", which is my favorite hard cider.  By this point my head is spinning.  I don't want the damn fish, I want a burger with cheese and mayo and fries.  Finally the waitress comes back to take our order.  I order the fish, with the beans and grilled zucchini.  I have water.  To my husbands credit he also got fish with rice (I am sure he wanted something else).  I eat my fish pissed the entire time that I have to have fish because I am fat.  I hate my life, I am pouting.  I want the bread.  I finish and push my plate and take one little bite of the bread.  Victory is mine.  But I am still pissed.  I smash the rest of the bread into a million little pieces and rub it in the gross fish juice on my plate... I feel a little better.  I am physically satisfied but all I can think about is the food I didn't have.

I thought about this again this morning while I was getting read for work.  I know that now that I followed through and ordered what I planned it will be a little easier next time but for the love of God... Why am I so crazy in the head.  It is only food, but to me it is like crack.  It has never stopped being crack, and probably won't ever stop.  This just proves how important a tool is to me... but also proves that I must be in control of how I use it.  I do know one thing... when I had my Lap Band, I did not have the feverish, eat my arm off plus everything else in the world feeling that I have now.  Baratric surgery just levels the playing field between me and food.  It gives me the home court advantage, if you will.

In other news... after five days of smart healthy eating, I am down about 5 lbs.

Dieting During The Holidays... A Bad Idea

I would like to drop 15 or so pounds in the next month.  My thought being, I will probably gain some weight with the holidays, and I just can't see the scale go up anymore.  So, I am counting calories, and it sucks.  It seemed like a good idea, until I realized this might be the worst possible time to go on a diet.  But, I am on my third day and am feeling okay.

It is amazing how much my band helped me even though it was malfunctioning.  And if I am honest, it helped me be a bulimic a good chunk of the time.. but now I can really eat a lot again.  I have had success (short term) with diets in the past and I should be able to suck it up for a month.  Even if I only come out 5 lbs a head, I would be thrilled.

I am officially in my last month of supervised diet!  Hopefully I will have a surgery date by this time next month.  I am so looking forward to the new year!~

I am fat and why being honest is important

I have been reading blogs regularly, even though I haven't done much posting.  Not only do I not have very much to post about.. but I also don't really feel like it.  I am in a state of waiting.  I am nearing my last month of supervised "diet" and can only think about making it to the operating table.  I have gained a lot of weight, about 70 lbs in total since my lowest loss.  I am about 20 lbs shy from my highest weight.  I am sad to be back here.

Last night my husband was asking me about having some (of his) co-workers over this Friday night.  These are people I haven't seen for some time, and people I have always felt very judged by.  I told him I would rather he go out with them than bring them to our house.  He couldn't figure out why I didn't want them over and he kept pushing the issue.  I finally broke down, and through tears, explained that I don't want to see these people right now.  I know they will wonder what happened to me since the last time they saw me, when I was 70 lbs less fat.  Obviously, I don't think anyone would say anything to me... but I do know they would all wonder.  I also suspect they would talk about it when my husband or I weren't around.  I can't take that judgement right now.  My husband has been very kind through this all and I really believe he still thinks I am beautiful, but he also doesn't understand.

My surgery story is strange in the way that I have been very open with my friends, most of my co-workers, and my close family.  However, there are a lot of people I haven't told and I don't feel like I have to tell.  To those who have no idea what I went through... I am sure it makes them wonder.  And mostly, I don't care.  However, I have never felt comfortable around this group of people, and now, I don't feel comfortable around anyone.. in fact I don't feel comfortable with myself.  It doesn't help that a random library patron asked me, "what happened, you must have gained at least 60 lbs".

I decided I needed to write this blog today because I know there are others out there who are struggling.. others who feel like the Lap Band was just another failed diet and are hoping there is a successful future for themselves.  I also want you to know, that without my Lap Band, I have gained 70 lbs... the last 40 in less than 6 months.  But I am extremely hopeful that not only will I succeed with my sleeve, but do much better than I did with my band.  My band adventure was bumpy from the start... I am hoping this will be much more smooth sailing!

I went from this:

To this: (I am the one on the bottom right, obviously)

I am 31, that is all.

I turned 31 yesterday.  I had an excellent weekend with my husband, we went out of town to celebrate.  Today... I am in that dreaded, tired of waiting mood.  I had my psych eval yesterday (a good way to spend a birthday).  This is the second evaluation I have had (obviously one for the Lap Band and one now).  I saw a different doctor this time than I did the first and she was outraged that I have had to go through all this just for a revision.  I appreciate her anger at the system.. but I also getting tired of this reaction from doctors.  I feel like saying, "then do something about it."

I think I am pretty much set to go... other than finishing up my stupid "diet".  My last weigh in will be the first week of January.  Hopefully my surgery will be shortly after that.  My surgeon is eager to get this done.  So am I.  It seems like lately so many people on the blogs have been having their revisions.  I am jealous.  I am tired of waiting... tired of being out of breath and hating myself in my clothes.  I want to feel the way I did when I was having success with my Lap Band.  I was excited to get dressed, try new clothes on, and get out and do things.

I feel like all I do is whine about waiting... and I know a couple of months isn't very long.  I know I am lucky my insurance will even cover another surgery.  I try to remind myself that as much as possible.  However, right now, waiting sucks.

The Un-Diet

I am in my forth month of my un-diet (my insurance required diet that I am not losing weight on).  I will be having my sleeve surgery in January and it can't come soon enough.  Fall and winter are going to be miserable because I don't have any cold weather clothes that fit.  My co-workers are seeing a lot of repeat outfits.  I need to make a trip to the thrift store.  I also hate being fat again.  I am trying not to, but I do.

I just got my packet from my insurance coordinator and I have to schedule my psych eval.  I can't believe I have to do all the BS again.  I am not bitter at all.  I also have to have my PCP write me a letter of support.  The last go-around, when I had my Lap-Band placed, was a nightmare.  My PCP refused to write the letter.  She made me jump through all these hoops and would never sign off on it.  My surgeon finally just gave the go-ahead without it.  This time around I have a different PCP, who is fantastic, and is very excited for my sleeve.  At least that is much easier this time.

My 31st Birthday is this month and I am hoping that my 32nd Birthday will be one of great weight loss success unlike this years big weight gain.

Woulda Been 3 Year Bandiversary

I am one week and one day past my Lap Band placement 3 years ago.  I haven't blogged much in the past oww... 9 months.  Honestly, I didn't have much to say.  I had been struggling so much with my band (which had slipped) and was trying to figure out what to do next.  Once I found out I could only have my band out and not convert to another surgery at that time.... I was upset.  I knew what would happen next.  I knew I would gain weight.

I have gained weight... a lot of weight.  I am not back to my original weight... but I am only about 30 lbs shy.  I realized very quickly how much the restriction of my Lap Band really did help me.  I also realized how easy it was to fall back into bad habits. 

The good news for me, is that I will have another surgery.  I will be having the sleeve procedure in December or January.  However, I had to start all over as if I never had a weight loss procedure.  My insurance required a BMI of 40 or higher.  I was at a 34 BMI when I had my band removed July 2nd.  So, I had to gain weight... and the more quickly the better.  You would think this would be a food addicts dream, but man it has been tough.  The actual gaining and eating has been easy... but the continuing to love myself part has been hard.  I also have to do a "6 month diet" which was a requirement when I had my Lap Band surgery.  So my diet started in June, however I am not if that month can be counted... so it may have been officially July.

Obviously, this all a bunch of ridiculous BS insurance poop pile.  That aside, it has been a learning experience.  I don't want to waste the 6 months between surgeries hating myself or hiding from the outside world.  I don't want to think about how much happier I will be once the weight is gone.  I don't want to feel fat and ugly.  So I am really working at being the best me I can be at my current weight... and you know what... for the most part I am.  Now, this isn't really a fair test of my self esteem because I am sure it is always in the back of my head that I will be losing weight again soon.  But, I do think back to when I was in my Lap Band prime and rocking a size 10.. now I am back into a women's 16.. and I can rock that size too.

The worst part has been having to buy new clothes in bigger sizes.  I hate that... but shopping is shopping.  I feel like this time around being "fat" is just a part of me and not me entirely... however, if you told me I couldn't have the sleeve procedure I would be devastated.  I still feel tired, unhealthy and sore.  I want to be able to do things I could do so much more easily at 165 lbs.  I also want to wear some of my favorite clothes again. 

I do think about what other people think.  A lot of people know I had surgery, some know I had my band removed, others may not.  Some know I will have another surgery, others have no idea.  I know they wonder what happened.  I know people who didn't know about my Lap Band must wonder how I lost all that weight and have now gained it back.  But the people who care about me... it doesn't matter to them and the people who do judge... they don't matter to me.  But it is hard to not let it matter.

The lesson here is:  I refuse to hate my size.  I will continue to be me big or small.  I just hope to be at a healthy weight again soon.