Monday, August 6, 2012

I feel fat.

So... to qualify for my sleeve I have to go through the same insurance requirements I did with my original Lap Band surgery.  I am not even going to get started on my rant of how ridiculous this is and how I am required to gain oww... 30 lbs so that I can revise because me band FAILED.  Anyway... I have gained about 15 lbs.  I feel fat and am starting to hate living in my body again.  I keep telling myself it is short term and will lead to long term success.  I do not plan on actually gaining anymore weight but instead wearing really heavy clothes and such when I weigh in.  I am pissed about the whole thing and everyone at my surgeons office agrees that this is complete bull, but again... the whole insurance system is a cluster...  Also, at five weeks out it has been only too easy to average a 3 lbs a week gain.  Mind you I have used very little good choice making because I know I have to gain weight and I figured I might as well enjoy it.  But.. it makes me sad too. 

At one point with my band I was 6 lbs shy of 100 lbs down.  Now that didn't last long and I gained a good 15 back and lived at that weight for a while until I started having slip trouble which led to many complete unfils and weight gain.  But through it all, I kept a good 65 lbs off.  Until I am at the 50 lbs down mark and I don't want to slide any farther back.  Without my band I feel like I am back to pre-band life.  I am hungry a lot.  I also feel slightly angry and eat out of anger.  Thank God I will be able to get the sleeve, even after all this bullshit.  I can't imagine living life like this long term.  I am so sorry to those who have gone through this and have no option to revise.  I am jealous of those who have been able to convert right from the band removal.  None-the-less, I do believe I will have success again.