Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I have been MIA.

And I am up up and up. I am currently weighing in at 208.4. However, I am not yet updating because Friday is the official day. I can only imagine how much worse it will be by then! :) Yup, you read me right. Almost four pounds in less then two weeks. I have been over indulging. How guilty do I feel? Yeah not so much actually. I have had a fantastic time, however, I don't go back to work until Monday and am a little stressed about staying on track. I have learned though, that I will not gain 20 lbs in a week. I go in for a fill next Tuesday and the timing is perfect. I have almost no restriction. I can tell a small difference if I eat too fast or don't chew (at all) but I can eat pretty much anything and as much of it as I want. I did get tons of compliments from my family about how much thinner I am. I am looking forward to the new year and getting hardcore on my weight loss again.

I am most thankful for the decision I made to have the band surgery. I would not be where I am without it. Even though it has been a rough week and a half, there is no doubt I will get back on track!

The first picture is of myself, my husband, and our pitbull Ike. I am suffering from that whole "bigger head" problem Amy talked about in one of her posts. The second pic is Jay and Ike, Ike is smiling so nice I wanted to include it.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


There, I said it. I am struggling! I am, hands down, having the hardest week since being banded. I have never gone a week without a loss since my surgery. I know I am lucky and that is not the norm. But this week I am certain I will gain. I hate that idea. I have been avoiding my blog because I just don't want to be faced with the truth.

I saw my therapist this morning ( I see him once a week) and we talked about my current state. I can't help but feel like a failure. I am having a horrible time saying no to all the temptations and am eating junk at all these parties. I know rationally that I will not gain my 53 lbs back in a week or even two or even a month. But it scares me. I feel a little out of control. For the first time having no restriction is really challenging to me.

My therapist pointed out that this is not a failure but a struggle. He explained that it is like being in a storm and that I am trying to find my way. Yes, exactly. I want two things. I want to stay on track, continue to lose weight, be healthy, but I also want to be like everyone else and indulge. I was to feel "normal" at holiday get togethers. However, I am missing the restriction to remind me not to over do it.

I wish I could just let go, enjoy this time and not worry about the number on the scale. I know I will get back at it whole hog, I have no question that I will come through this. I am just worried about the damage I will do in the mean time.

Grr... why can't this whole weight loss thing be easy?! :)

Monday, December 21, 2009

What's Up With Me?!

Nothing good, that's for sure. I have been eating and eating and eating. I have already had a couple of parties and have 4 more before the week is done. Yikes! I am enjoying the holidays so far though, I am not feeling too guilty. I do wish I had some restriction. Maybe Santa will bring it for Christmas!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Weigh In

Well, even though I don't have much restriction I did well this week. I am down 2.4 lbs for a grand total of 53lbs down. Only 7 lbs to Onederland! Woot Woot. I also made my Christmas goal a little early! All in all, a good Friday!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

It is official... No restriction

So, I had a turkey burger on a bottom bun last night without chewing very good. No issues. Like I said before, I am not really disappointed in this. I have enjoyed my journey and have learned to rely on myself for now. Though I know I won't be able to do that forever, that was why I had the surgery.

I have had a very successful eating week so far and have consistently worked out everyday. I have been running and do the step aerobics. I feel so much better when I am on track but also know this is the calm before the storm. Next week starts "eating madness". Monday I have a department lunch (I am the only person in my entire library who works in two departments both adult and teen services). Wednesday I have my other department lunch, Thursday I have a brunch, Friday X-Mas with husbands fam, and Sunday X-mas with my fam. Yikes. I wonder how much I can gain in one week?!

I do plan on indulging, within reason. I will eat what I want, just watch my portions. I do think my fill has made a difference in the amount I can eat, at least slightly. I don't think I can pack it down like I could before this fill, but I don't plan on trying either.

I will, without doubt, be strict about exercise all next week. No messing around there! That seems to be my saving grace in all this. What plan of attack will you all be using during the next holidays weeks?

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Do I have restriction, maybe, probably not

So, I had my fill yesterday under fluoro. The doctor got the needle in on the first poke (without using the x-ray) and I was so relieved. They then moved the table that I was laying on to an upright position and filled the band. Then I had to drink the barium. We watched it as it just sat there, and sat there, and sat there. So, the doctor takes out a little, has me drink the barium and it goes down slowly. He then puts in a touch more and has me drink again. Barium sits for a minute and then slowly goes through the band. He is happy with this, and I am thinking, "WOW must be big time restriction".

I was on liquids all day yesterday, so obviously I couldn't tell. Back to solids today and I am still able to eat fast and without chewing that great. Not that I intentionally did this, I just forgot to be careful. I ate a whole snack size bag of pretzels and I couldn't feel any issues.

I am not complaining. I didn't want to go from zero restriction to full restriction. I would rather practice getting back to good habits and work up to good restriction. I think I am one of the few who feels this way. I also know in a week or so the fill could kick in and tighten up.

I do want to enjoy the holidays (within reason) and still lose weight. I will just keep on keep'n on!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

BIG fill... or at least it seemed like it

So, I went in this morning to have my fill done under fluoroscope. It was awesome. This is the first successful fill I have had (except for the one done during my revision surgery). The doctor didn't even need to use the x-ray to find my port. One stick and he was in. He filled me super full had me drink the barium and then started removing fluid until the barium went down at a good pace. It was so cool to watch.

I am really helping this is going to get me back on the straight and narrow for good... or at least mostly good. I am on liquids today so I can't really tell much yet. The liquid, thank god, is going down easy. On a side note, I am totally afraid of getting the "so tight I can't swallow my spit" problem.

I am feeling really positive about this fill and ate great yesterday. Dare I say it, I think I am back on track!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Why are all my weekends "bad eating" weekends?!

Lately every weekend has been one full of bad eating. Mostly me, allowing myself to make bad choices. I am not really getting down on myself in this post. I am aware when I am making these choices, and I could just say no. But I don't, first off, Friday nights dinner was high cal and high fat. I was lazy and ate the easiest thing I could find after getting home late. Then the whole taco bell thing yesterday, and then dinner with the friends. I ate mac and cheese, enchilada, corn bread, black bean soup, and lots of wine.

My biggest problem is my zero restriction. I go in Tuesday to have that taken care of and hopefully that will stop the eat too much part. Today started out good but I was so starving before dinner that I ate some chips and salsa and yeah.. some Godiva cookies. I worked for Godiva for many years while doing both my under grad and graduate degree. I love Godiva. Strangely.. I was also able to manage a reasonable weight (170 was my high) while working there.

Anyway, I was promising myself I would get back on track 100% today.. but no go. I was feeling really blue all day and those cookies did make me feel better. I did, as I try to do everyday, work out. I did an hour of step aerobics and some toning. I do feel good about that. At least when I am eating bad I am maintaining an exercise routine. I would never have done that before.

Part of the issue with my bad eating is that I do it and I still lose weight that week. Granted my numbers have been lower but the weight is still coming off. It sort of reinforces my bad behavior. I guess the real point is, is that I do keep working at it. It may be two steps forward and one step back, but I am still one step ahead. Here's hoping this new week will be full of good decisions and great restriction!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

New Haircut!

Wohoo! I got a new cut and color today! Not so sure why I look so drunk... I am not at all drunk! Going out to dinner with a bunch of couples so it should be fun and lots of food. I must also confess I had taco bell today.. and I enjoyed it. Can I say taco bell grande and a crunchy taco... yup fatty fatty big fat fatty. I haven't had fast food since the surgery and I really wanted I had it. Now I feel slightly gross and greasy. O well!

Friday, December 11, 2009

Weekly Weigh-In and a Photo Update

Well, I did it. I made my goal plus a little. I am officially 50 lbs down, actually 50.6 but who's counting. I lost 1.8 lbs this week. I expected a bigger loss but I think things may be a little wacky this week because I started working out again.

I am, however, thrilled with the loss and am loving being 50 down. I did some updated photos today. However, they are not all that different from the last ones.

I am wearing the same shirt in all these photos but it is getting really big and baggy now. In the next photo I will have to wear something a little more form fitting. From left to right my weight is 259, 220, 209.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Inspiration To Get Me Move'n

So, I have started jogging very regularly. I have build up enough stamina that I can jog for about 30 minutes without stopping. That is awesome, it is great, it makes me feel amazing.... but I need really good music to keep my pace strong. So, I look to you all for suggestions. I have found that pretty much any upbeat Lady Gaga works, as well as Black Eyed Peas, and Rihanna works great. Disco also works well but I need to be in the right mood for that.

So I ask you guys, what music makes you want to move?! Not even work out, maybe dance or shake your money maker. Don't be ashamed of your dirty little secrets, (shhh.... I still like NKOTB) I want to know what you love!

On a different note, I have a busy weekend ahead. Tomorrow night I am going to a basketball game (my husband coaches high school basketball) and then probably out to the bar. Saturday we have our monthly dinner with our group of friends. That means LOTS of drinks and food. It is so much fun though. I always struggle to stay on track at these events, but one night isn't the end all. So far no plans other than wrapping gifts on Sunday.

Tomorrow is the official weigh in and I have a goal to meet....210. I am feeling hopeful!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Weight Loss Surgery, Carbohydrates and Exercise

Weight Loss Surgery, Carbohydrates and Exercise

Funny enough this was the article on the homepage of today. I didn't visit until after my carb rant.

The Low Carb Chaos

Okay, I visit and a few times a week. I like to see what other people are doing and how their journeys are going. But, I feel this resounding pressure to go low carb or no carb. I almost always leave these sites feeling like I need to revamp my diet just because everyone else is doing low or no carb.

I have tried this form of dieting before and know it doesn't work for me. I am cranky and tired and miserable. I also can still eat all carbs because I have little restriction. I know that as my restriction changes so will my carb eating, but I still will be eating them.

Obviously I know some carbs are better then other carbs, but I am so tired of talking about it. I track everything I eat, every day. Today I had 977 calories, 116 carbs, 29 grams of fat, and 79 grams of protein. Most of the carbs came from the oatmeal and Greek yogurt I ate, but I also had some brown sugar on my oatmeal, and I refuse to feel bad about that.

Every time I see my nutritionist I ask her about this. She says not to worry about carbs, just to make good choices. But, somehow, I still feel like she is lying to me. Every time someone asks a question about their Lap Band "diet" on one of the message boards all the answers always involve the dreaded low carb phrase. Some people are incredibly extreme others just say no potatoes, bread, or pasta EVER. I am not willing to say"no ____ EVER". I will not live that life. I love potatoes... I even like pasta, bread is good.

Why can't I get over the fact that what I am doing is working for me and I don't need to do something because everyone else is. I am averaging a loss of over 3 lbs a week and that is great. Could it be better if I didn't eat the evil carb?? Maybe, but I would hate it. This is my carbohydrate manifesto!

P.S. Harvard agrees with my stand against low carb. They have come to the conclusion that all diets work pretty much the same as long as you are taking in less calories then you are using. Read all about it here.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Monday, Monday

My co-worker snapped the photo to the left this morning when I got into work. I am finally starting to feel less fat. That is a good start to a Monday morning! I am so tired this morning. For some reason I woke up at 3 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep. Now I am at work and feeling sleepy. I started working out again yesterday after a week off. It felt really good. Now to keep it up! My incision is looking really good, just a little scabby but should be completely healed in a week or two.

So I was looking through photos from this time last year. I found a picture from my work Christmas party and one from Christmas with my parents. I figure I was close to my highest weight (259) in these photos. Man, I hate these pictures. I plan on posting some new photos when I hit my 50 lbs down ( I am like 1 lbs away) and hopefully I can see a big difference. I can sort of now anyway just looking at them.

Notice in the picture above I was wearing all black. This is a big thing for me. I am always trying to minimize my fatness. I am looking forward to buying more color and less black stuff.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Saturday and working are a sucky combination!

It is Saturday, and I have to work. Unfortunately, working in a library means you work weekends. Right now I work every other Saturday, however our budget was cut massively which means more hours with less people. Starting in January I will also have to work one Sunday a month. It is so hard to be inspired while I am working on the weekends.

I am also really hungry today and craving junk food. I really want chocolate. There is chocolate all over the back offices and I have to keep myself in check from eating all of it. I really do need a good fill. I am finding that I am hungry all the time and don't stay full long. It is hard to stay motivated and make good choices when you are always hungry. One week from Tuesday I will be getting my "super" fill so hopefully that will bring good restriction.

I was off yesterday and spent a good 4 hours at the dentist. I have some periodontal issues so usually about once a year I have to go in for two major appointments. My next one is Tuesday and hopefully that is it for a while. I was able to pretty much finish up my Christmas shopping. What a relief! I don't enjoy Christmas shopping, it stresses me out and is expensive! I can't believe Christmas is only 20 days away! I really really hope I can get under the 200 mark by then. I just need to stay away from the junk!

Have a good weekend!

Friday, December 4, 2009

Friday Weigh- In

Well, it is Friday and the day I weigh in. I lost another 2.8 lbs this week and am only .2 lbs away from my next goal and only 1.2 away from the big 5-0 mark. I can't wait to get there and I will be working my ass off this week so I can not only meet my goal but blow it out of the water!

My incision is finally starting to look really good. What a relief!! I am hoping I am done with surgery for a good long time now. I am going to start working out again on Sunday. It was so easy not to work out and I am sort of dreading getting back to it. Before it was just a part of life and I did it and had no problem doing it. How easy it is to settle back into old habits.

I have to have a bunch of dental work today, I really know how to enjoy a day off. Hope everyone has a great Friday!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

A fill... in less than two weeks?!!!

Okay, so the doctors office called me this morning with my appointment time. I wasn't expecting to hear back so soon... it takes longer to schedule an appointment in radiology. Well she says, "you fill is scheduled for December 15th at 8:30 am". I was shocked. The doctor had told me a month. Apparently the only time available was either the 15th or January 20th. He didn't want me to wait that long. Holy Moly, I was not expecting this. He was planning on filling me to "good restriction" using the barium method. Now I am a little nervous because I thought I would have Christmas to screw around.

I am happy to be having a fill so soon but also a little surprised. It is funny how I have torn feelings about this. All I have wanted for so long was restriction but when faced with that possibility it sort of freaks me out. I have gone 3 months with none and it has been tough but there is also something comforting about the fact that I can still eat whatever I want without any trouble.

I guess it is time for my band to start working with me.

Happy Hump Day!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Saw the doctor today, and thanks for all your good thoughts!

I saw my doctor this morning. Of course, this morning my incision looked the best it has and wasn't sore. He said it is for sure not infected and that it looked like the stitches were just making it harder for it to heal. I had dissolvable stitches but for some reason they have been really slow to actually dissolve. The doctor opened up both ends of the incision and fished out the knots from the stitches and cut those off. He said that should help things along.

Sadly, he wasn't able to give me a fill. He didn't want to poke around in there when it is still so raw and sore. He did however schedule me for my next fill under fluoro. He is going to give me a big ole fill next time. He will fill me until I have restriction and we will do a couple barium tests. I can't have that for a month though. That means I will have to rely on will power to get me through the holidays! Scary!!

He was very pleased with my weight loss and couldn't believe I have no restriction. I was down another .8 lbs and I am very excited about that. That makes for a total loss of 47lbs in exactly 3 months (well 3 months tomorrow). I usually weigh a couple pounds heavier on his scale. I am looking forward to weighing in Friday and hopefully it will be a nice small number. I would love to get under 210.

Thanks for all your positive replies to my posts. I really thought I would be having another surgery. I feel so much better after my visit with the doctor. Thanks again for all being such great friends and a great support!