Thursday, September 15, 2011

I got a fill

I got a 1 cc fill today. As usual, I can't really see much difference yet, but my fills take about 2 weeks to fully kick in. I was down a couple pounds this morning. I have been working for that couple pounds. I am trying to recreate some of my "early success" menus that had the pounds falling off in the first year of my band. I think one of my biggest problems is my lack of fear. I no longer fear a stuck or pb situation. I try things I should probably avoid just to challenge my band. This probably goes with my whole authoritative issues. I have always been one for challenging the limits.

It is almost the weekend! Yeah for weekends.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

33 lbs to go...

I have 33 lbs to lose to get to my goal. I would like to get to my goal by August of next year. That shouldn't be too hard right?! Yeah, right. Being that last year I pretty much lost nothingish. I am going for a fill tomorrow and hope some restriction is in my near future. Lately, it seems this has been a tricky thing. I am too tight or have very little restriction. I am having a hard time finding that happy medium.

I have no given up though. The most pleasing part of the band is that you can always start over and start working it. We all know half the battle is making the right choices, and that is something I only do some of the time. I have big plans for a big tattoo when I hit goal. I would think that would motivate me more.

Happy hump day!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

2 years banded, and an update

I just recently passed my 2 year bandiversary (on September 2nd) and though it wasn't particularly spectacular, I still have some thoughts about that. First of all, this year has by far been much harder then the first. Mostly because I had lots of issues with my band, spent a good chunk of the year unfilled or partially filled, and am sitting about 10 lbs heavier then I was at this time last year.

With that said, I am still pretty pleased with my decision to have my band. I don't remember any other time in my life where I have kept off this amount of weight for this amount of time. I also think this 3rd year will be a charm. I am going in on Friday to get another fill that will hopefully get me near my sweet spot. I am looking forward to being on the losing end of the band game again.

This process hasn't been easy for me... but I still feel it has been a great success. I have overcome many challenges in the last couple years and plan to only continue on that path. My weight will always be a challenge, and food will always sing it's dirty little siren song. Now, I just have a little extra help in my back pocket. So.. here's to another even better banded year!

In other news, I had to cancel on BOOBS. My husband is a teacher, and in MI we are dealing with some really crappy contract situations. We are not certain what his final contract will look like, but it isn't looking very good. I am too nervous to spend money right now and this trip is just out of my reach at this time. I am sure those of you going will have a fantastic time and I wish I could be there!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Fill... Finally!

I didn't have a fill scheduled until September 1st, and I have been pretty much empty since early May. So, in an act of desperation I called my doctor this morning and begged him to squeeze me in. He did and I got a 4 cc fill bringing me up to 5.5 ccs. I drank some water and left his office happy I finally had restriction. About a half an hour later that water started coming back up. I called my doctor in a panic and had to go get an unfill via a different doctor in his office. I had 2 ccs taken out, they had suggested 1 but I was panicked after puking up water and acid. So now I am sitting pretty with 3.5 ccs. Liquids seem to be going down fine and I have had a couple crackers. I kept my September 1st appointment and I am sure I will need another fill by then.

Anyway, I am so glad to be getting back some sort of restriction and hope to get back on track ASAP.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011


I am going to BOOBS!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Same song different day..

So, I have been on and off the wagon lately. There is no question that I need a fill. My new norm has been a giant salad (4 cups lettuce, .5 cup chicken, and a bunch of other veg). I, however, am not able to get in for a fill until September 1st. I am about 15 lbs up from my very lowest low that I saw for a blink. My band has been empty, or nearly empty, for about 4 months now. Honestly, I am pleased I haven't gained more weight. I am hungry all the time! I am working to make good decision. I would like to get that 15 lbs off by my next fill, though I doubt it will happen.

I forgot how hard it is when you are really hungry and just don't get full. We have also had some recent family drama. My husband's grandmother passed away last month. He was extremely close to her, doesn't have a relationship with his mom (grandma is mom's mom) which has continued to cause drama. We also inherited her two cats. We are now a family of 5 cats and 1 dog. Here is a picture of our two newest additions (Buddy in front and Butler on the next step up, you can also see Capone in the background looking the wrong way).

None of this stuff is a good excuse for a 15 lbs gain... and I would like to fit into my very smallest pants again. So... onward and downward (on the scale) I go!

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Update... I am lame

So, I haven't had a whole lot to update lately. I still only have 1.5 cc in my band. I can eat anything and then sometimes nothing. It is frustrating, but I am pretty sure it is my lack of chewing. I am doing okay weight wise, however, I haven't really weighed myself in a while. I am dealing with the emotional side of weight loss/loving my body. When I don't know the number on the scale I can truly love my body. I can appreciate the strength and success. When I look at the scale I can be down or up. I am giving that a rest. My clothes all still fit, some are loose, so I think things are a-okay.

I have started being more careful about carbs though... I think they really dictate my hunger level and cravings so I am trying to be smarter about my food choices. I continue to read all your blogs, but I am just so busy at work right now. Barb, your new body, and swim suite look amazing by the way!

Take care all!

Friday, July 8, 2011

More possitive press for Lap Band

Looks like another "celebrity" has jumped on the Lap Bandwagon. Corey from the Reality Show Pawn Stars has lost over 100 lbs in five months with the band. More info here.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Doctor + fill= ?

Yesterday I saw my surgeon again. He wanted to do a fluroscopy and check out the band. Again, he said everything looks perfect. However... things are not perfect. I have gained about 10 lbs. Not good.... I have been feeling angry towards my band and I have been busy self sabotaging. He gave me a 1.5 cc fill and I can tell a huge difference. He actually started out with 5 cc (I was totally empty) and the barium came flying out like a bullet out of high powered riffle.

This is all so strange because I had 7.5 at one point and was at my sweet spot. The doctor claims this is not unusual and that peoples fill tolerance can change over time. I am feeling better about things and am ready to get on the losing end of things again. I have only been able to eat small amounts, about a cup at a time, and I am staying fuller longer. The best part about the band is that is always offers you an opportunity to start over. So here it is... my do over.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Still alive...still sticking

My band is driving me insane. Some days I have no restriction and other days I am stuck on weird food. My band is still entirely empty, still apparently in perfect location with zero issue and continues to make me crazy.

I haven't really lost anything more weight... though I really need to.. I am struggling to just figure the basics out. I am frustrated and tired of this. I am also really busy with life in general. I have been spending lots of time with friends and family. I just don't feel like blogging about my band lately, because I kind of hate it. Grr...

Take care all!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Adjusting and thinking...

I was thinking about a post Amy W wrote about motivation. I looked back at my weight loss ticker history today and realized I have been bouncing up and down the same 7 lbs for 5 months. I lose the weight, I gain the weight, I lose the weight, gain... on and on. I started thinking about why I can't just kick this weight for good. Granted, I have had lots of problems in the last few months. I have been frustrated and hungry and struggling.

I am adjusting to my current band situation and seem to be doing okay. I can certainly eat more things now, but I still have to be really cautious with lunch choices. I am telling myself I really rededicating to get the rest of my weight off, but I am having a hard time believing it is true. I have said that so many times over the past 5 months. Part of the issue is that I think I am just enjoying living my life. I am very social, always have plans, and am not nearly as thoughtful with calories. This is terrible for weight loss, but great for life. I am also relatively happy at my current weight. I know I am still technically over weight and I can see that, but this is the thinnest I have been in a long time.. and I feel normal.

So why is it I want to lose the weight? Well, I want to finish what I started, I want to be healthier, I want to succeed. And, of course, I want to wear smaller clothes and be more confident in the summer.

Happy hump day all!

Monday, May 16, 2011

The results are in...

I saw my doctor on Friday for an Upper GI. He didn't see anything wrong with my band. He decided to look back at my 4 previous (yes 4) films from past Upper GIs and said everything looks identical from my first film 6 weeks after I was banded. However, my band is not acting the same way it has in the past with zero fill. It is all very odd. I still have pretty good restriction, I wouldn't say sweet spot, but it is certainly there. I still couldn't eat a sandwich or anything on a bun, however, I can eat a piece of bread with dinner if I am careful.

He doesn't know why my band is acting this way, but he also doesn't want to do anything else right now. He said if I have any pain or more issues to contact his right away but that he thinks it is just best to leave it right now. He said if I get to a point where I want a fill he will only do them under fluro from now on.

So... this is all a new challenge. Things that used to be difficult are no longer and things that were sliders are now sticking. I don't know what to think, but I am going to try to work with this and see if it is just stress or my own issues.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


I am having my Upper GI Friday at 8 am. Hopefully I will have an answer by 8:30 am Friday. In other news, I am wearing neon yellow tights today and I love them.

Take care!

Monday, May 9, 2011

Still waiting and puking

I called the doctor's office again this morning to follow- up on the upper GI. The woman I talked to told me she would call me right back. That was 3 hours ago. I am continueing to have trouble keeping mushies and solids down... liquids aren't a problem. I don't feel like it is an emergency but I do want to get the ball rolling.

If I don't hear back today I am going to call my Dr on his cell. My weight is still going down, but it is slow. I have a pretty carb heavy diet because I am only eating soft foods. I am just happy I am not gaining at this point. The weather is finally getting really nice here in Michigan and I am enjoying outdoor activities more and more.

Take care all!

Monday, May 2, 2011

Thanks for the Love

Thanks for all the great and supportive comments on my bad band post. I truly treasure my followers!!

Still waiting..

I am still waiting to hear back from my surgeons office about my Upper GI appointment. I am quite tight still... need to eat mushies until dinner, but I am making due. I did lose a good chunk of weight this week. I had gotten back up to 179.8 and lost nearly 5 lbs of that this week. I am trying to keep myself motivated while going through the trials of band issues.

I am counting my calories and trying to stay active. It is hard though, when I can eat so few things and just want sliders all the time. I am looking forward to seeing my doctor and getting some answers.

Happy Monday (if there is such a thing)!

Friday, April 29, 2011

Band issues... again.

I went to see my doctor yesterday because I needed an unfill. This is the 3rd unfill I have had in 3 months. Everytime I go in and get some fluid out (last time it was 1 cc) it is fine for a couple weeks and then gets tight again. Yesterday the doc decided he was taking all the fluid and and scheduling an upper GI. I only had 4 ccs of fluid and at one time I was at my sweet spot with 7.5 cc. I think something is up with my band, maybe a slip, because I am totally empty and still have restriction. I actually threw up yesterday after eating eggs for lunch post unfill.

All this has me thinking, if I had to have surgery to have my band repositioned or removed what would I do? At this point I am begining to wonder if maybe the band just isn't for me. I am not feeling sad or depressed about it.. just realistic. I think I would probably just have my band removed. I don't know if I am willing to another weight loss surgery.

O well.. food for thought. Happy Friday all!

Monday, April 25, 2011

Forgive Me Bloggers, I have sinned

I have not blogged in a couple weeks (at least). I have had so much drama in my personal life that I just haven't been able to get myself to type about it. All this drama is mainly work related. My husband is a teacher... we are in Michigan... things are going to hell in a hand basket. He is great at what he does, and has been working at the same place for 11 years. He loves his job and is relatively decently paid. However, it looks like it is very possible he going to take a HUGE pay cut and possibly lose his union rights due to the changes in MI. We currently own a house that has depreciated in value every day since we moved in. We could not sell it if we wanted to.

I am a librarian in this failing state. It is very possible my job may not continue to exist or that I may become a part time employee or not have a job at all. This is all really scary. Both my husband and myself always thought we had relatively secure jobs... not job is secure anymore. We are trying not to dwell on the fact that our lives could change entirely and that we don't what our situation will be like next year. Oww... and we have the cost of a small home in students loans.

All this has pushed me back into bad habits of eating (and drinking adult drinks) to deal with my feelings. I have gained more weight.... and this week.. I decided I would not do this anymore. What I eat is one thing I can control and it is time to take responsibility. I am tired of being emotionally tired as well as physically tired and eating better will at least help. Anyway, I plan to get back to the blog again.

Hope you are all well.

Monday, April 11, 2011

What is my deal?

I am going through some "life stuff" right now and just don't have the energy to talk about it. I have gained 4 lbs... I am working with my therapist on "being kind to myself". That is my goal right now.. and to get back to the losing. Hope you are all well. I am still reading.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

I don't know what is going on...

So my restriction is totally odd. Some days I can eat anything, other days I pb on everything. I know I am not being nearly as careful as I need to be with chewing and taking my time, but I am also annoyed with my fluctuating restrict. I haven't lost anything... and I haven't really tried either. I have a friends wedding coming up in August and I would like to be 150 by then. That is also my new goal (at least for now). That is the number my surgeon said would be good for my frame. It is less than 20 lbs, and I know I can do that. Time to get motivated. Last night I went to the Detroit Red Wings vs Toronto Maple Leafs game. OMG! So much fun and craziness. We had amazing seats 7th row... right on the ice. Detroit won, and much beer was had. I am just having way to much fun lately (hence the stagnant weight loss!).

Monday, March 21, 2011


I just can't seem to get this fill thing right lately... I have .4 ccs out and can now eat ANYTHING. Well... maybe not quite, but I can eat pizza and bread without really chewing. So here we go again... I need a fill. :)

Thursday, March 17, 2011


I had my appointment with my doctor today. I have said it before, and I will say it again, I adore that man. He is so sweet and caring. I told him about my eating issues and explained my tightness. He took out .4 ccs. I haven't really had an opportunity to test it yet, I had soup for lunch and dinner because I had to go straight to work from my appointment (I work noon-9 today). I plan on having some hardy protein for lunch tomorrow and see how that goes.

I hadn't lost much weight since the last time I saw him (1 lb) and I mentioned that I didn't do much good. He said it was still in the right direction. I told him to expect great things from me the next time I see him and he said, "I always expect great things from you." I believe him, he is such a great doctor!

I have no big plans for this weekend but the weather is getting much nicer here. I plan on riding my bike!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Put that piece of heaven in my mouth.

First, since Amy W commented that my last post title sounded like a dirty movie, I decided I would try to make every title an ideal dirty movie title.

Okay, there really wasn't anything adventurous about my Tuesday except for the fact that I tried something new and wonderful. I was at Whole Foods getting some soup for my strictly soup tightness situation and say this Icelandic yogurt called It is a piece of heaven in your mouth. It is better then Greek Yogurt, but it is also $3 for 6 oz. I will not be making it a habit (of will I?). I did have some trouble getting it down, but it was worth every second of struggle.

p.s. I had strawberry but would love to get my hands on pear!

Edit as requested: 150 cals, 0 fat, 20 carbs, 19 sugar, 16 protein per 6 oz.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Dear God, I am tight.

I am struggling again. I don't know what is going on. Everytime I get sick, it seems it has residual effects on my restriction. I got sick again a couple weeks ago, have finally recovered and pretty much can only eat semi-solids unless I have some wine first. Bad habits can come about pretty fast with this kind of restriction. Since it isn't an emergency, I just scheduled an appointment later in the week (on Thursday) for a small unfill. The same thing happened last time I got sick. I had a 1cc unfill that time (and was perfect until I got sick again) and now need another one. I am tired of not being able to eat good solid protein. I am living off of soup, but that is getting old.

Blech... hope you are all well!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

It is true...

I gained 3 lbs. Boo hiss... I have been having WAY too much fun and drinking WAY too much wine (and other adult beverages). Time to get back to serious. I am starting the 17 day diet tomorrow with a friend of mine... it is essentially good lap band eating. I can be stellar for 17 days right?!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

It is time to talk.

I lived off of orange juice and ice cream last week. The scale was up. I have been clean for 2 days and it is hard! I still struggle with food choices, though some times it seems so easy. Most of the time I still have to work really hard to make good decisions. My weight problem is primarily a mental problem. At some point in my life I starting thinking of food in a different way. I would fantasize (still do) and dream about it.

I start to think that maybe I don't have these problems anymore... and then wham... something happens and I want to feel good and I think,"Ice cream will make me happy". 7 days later and and a few pounds up I realize food does not make me feel better. I had heartburn and stomach aches...and general shit feeling. Ice cream has become my go to when I want a fix. It tastes really fantastic and it doesn't stick.. I don't have to chew it.. and I can eat it as fast as I want. Something about all those things makes it my dream food.

I am in therapy, and I am learning strategies, but I will always struggle with food. I wish I could say Lapband "fixed" my problems, but it didn't. It has only helped me manage. Here is to two days ice cream free! Happy Tuesday!

Monday, February 28, 2011

Nothing to see here...

I have had no movement on the scale... at least not in the right direction. I have been sick... and still feel like crap. I went to the doctor last Tuesday, had an ear infection and bronchitis. I took all my antibiotics... still feel crappy, thought not as bad. I am not exercising. I have not been watching my food, blah. I hate being sick. I also had to work the weekend so I am on day 3 of 7 which isn't helping me feel better.

However, all these things aside, I am not all that cranky. I have super fun weekend plans and need to feel better by Saturday.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

If you don't have anything good to say...

You all know the saying. I am in a crappy mood and don't have anything good to say. I am sick... AGAIN... with some sort of cold and I am getting so tired of this. I don't sleep well, I don't want to exercise and my eating is out of wack. I am tired and cranky.

I took tomorrow off and don't work Thursday or Friday because I work Saturday and Sunday (yeah not awesome). So I am hoping I can recover and get back to feeling like myself. The thing that sucks is that my husband is not working this week because of mid-winter break (he is a teacher) and I was looking forward to doing something fun. Now I will probably just lay on the couch. Wow, this is a serious pity post.

In other news, I have also come to the realization that I have to work for every ounce of weight lost. It doesn't just happen when I am trying to do well. I have to be on top of my game 100% or else nothing happens. This week my game has been bad, therefore no big reward on the scale. O well, thus is life.

Take care and stay healthy all!

Friday, February 18, 2011


I squeaked by with a 1 lb loss this week. Today I was exactly 165. That also put me at 95 lbs down total! I am only 20 lbs from my goal, and 5 pounds from that magical 100 lb down mark. However, I am seeing my losses at a much slower rate now. I hope to get to 100 down by April 1st and my goal by July 1st. None the less.... I will just keep on plugging away!
Happy Friday!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Yesterday was great, but today feels better.

I had a wonderful day yesterday. I ate whatever I wanted, had an amazing dinner date with my husband (who sent me flowers at work) and slept so good last night. But you know what... today has been even better. I got up this morning, hoped on the treadmill and ran a few miles. I ate a healthy lunch and packed a healthy dinner and snack for work and headed out the door.

And what feels really great about this all is that, this is just my life. Yeah, I ate whatever crap I wanted to yesterday, and yeah today I did what was natural and made good food choices and got some exercise. That is the life I lead, and I am good at. I feel happy, healthy, and in control and part of that control is knowing when it is okay to say yes to that Cold Stone. Today is not the day, but yesterday was, and maybe sometime in the next couple months I will say yes again.

It took me nearly a year and a half with the band to finally figure that out.

Monday, February 14, 2011

I am not going to lie...

the scale was looking mighty good today... and then I came to work. I was greeted by a large chocolate heart shaped donut (I ate it). Also I got very little sleep last night (just couldn't) so I got a venti non-fat caramel macchiato on my way to work. Then I ate taco bell for lunch. A co-worker brought me a ice cream (peanut butter perfection) from Cold Stone after lunch (dear God, I ate it). Plus tonight my husband and I are going out to a very nice very favorite dinner local.

I have to be honest and say I really don't give a shit about my eating behaviors today. I have been doing soo well lately, and working out hardcore.. back to it tomorrow. I guess today I am celebrating my love of food. Tomorrow and the rest of the time, I will be celebrating my healthy lifestyle.

Happy V Day, or not (if you want nothing to do with it)!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Shopping Success!

I went shopping yesterday for some new clothes. I had mentioned earlier that my pants were all too big. I had been floating somewhere between 12 & 14, but realized I just couldn't get away with 14s anymore. So I bought 3 pair of size 12 pants and 1 pair I tried on was way too big and I had to go down to a 10 (didn't really like the style of those pants though). I also realized I can no longer wear xl anything. I need to wear large or medium. It was really a fantastic day. Everything I tried on fit and it wasn't depressing or frustrating.

I love how I look in my new size 12 pants and I feel like for once, my clothes fit. I am working hard to continue losing weight so hopefully they won't fit for too long, but man... it feels good. I haven't been in a twelve for about 8 years, and the last time it was very brief on my way up.

I will take some update pictures when I have a minutes (I am working today). Woohoo for good shopping!

Friday, February 11, 2011

Weigh In

Down 1 lb this week despite my Super Bowl eating. That puts me at 166 lbs. Things are slow moving these days, but at least they are moving! Happy Friday, I am off to work-out.

Thursday, February 10, 2011


I don't know if I have ever said this before, but I really don't like kids that much. They are fine when they are just around but I hate holding people's babies and I don't think toddlers are charming. I am just not a kid person... now teenagers, I adore... but I LOVE animals. This is Cooper, a friends new Morkie puppy (Maltese and Yorkie). He is very sweet and I held him all through the Super Bowl (when I wasn't stuffing my face).

I ate my lunch way too fast today because I had a meeting that I needed to get to. Half way through my meeting I got a stomach ache... bad stomach ache but nothing else. By the time the meeting was over my mouth was watering. 10 minutes later... spew. Not ideal, now I am hoping I can get down the dinner I brought with me to work tonight. I will have to be very careful and eat slow. But here's the problem.... I am STARVING!

No other news here, I am off tomorrow because I work Saturday. All my work pants are officially too big again. I need to buy new ones tomorrow. It could be painful, I don't really like shopping when I HAVE to get something.

Monday, February 7, 2011

I ate...

WAY TOO MUCH last night at a Super Bowl party. Not only did I eat whatever I wanted, I drank a lot. I don't have a whole lot of regret about this except that I have the worst stomach ache in the world this morning! O Dear God! My stomach is punishing my misdeeds!

In other news, the roads are deadly here this morning. Lots of black ice and some slush. I wasn't prepared when I left for work this morning but soon found out.

Hope you all had a good weekend, welcome back to the week!

Friday, February 4, 2011

Atleast I lost something...

I feel like lately I am fighting for every single pound! This week I weighed in at 167 lbs down 1.8 lbs from last week. I am working out hard, eating excellent and barely losing. O well... no one said it would be easy.

Happy Friday.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Got on the scale this morning...

and things are looking good. It is moving down again! Hopefully by Friday I will have a really fabulous number to report. A co-worker told me I was looking really thin today... that is always nice.

We are bracing ourselves in Michigan for a serious winter storm... in fact it just started. All the schools have already closed for tomorrow and we are all praying the library will follow! Stay warm, or cool, whichever is appropriate!

Friday, January 28, 2011

Weigh In

So, Amy W posted a post about fighting the scale to get and stay below 170. It is funny, because I am having a very similar struggle. Her and I are the same height and right now, about the same weight. When I read her post I was pretty sure she had snuck into my mind and stolen it.

I have spent months bouncing between the low 170s and high 160s. I just can't seem to stay in the 160s and keep the momentum going. It is frustrating... it is anger inducing. However, I am working really hard to do. So the past couple weeks I have committed 150% to getting the weight off. I really want to hit my goal by summer. I have been doing hardcore cardio, counting my calories and protein, and working on sculpting. So, what does the scale say... anything from 171-169.

I know all the rational reasons for this, and I know the weight loss is coming. But man, it can be so frustrating! This morning I weighed in at 168.8 lbs. I lost a whole .2 lbs from last week. At least the scale is moving in the right direction.

I know there are lots of us struggling with that number on the scale right now, but like many have said... it is just a number and we will do it.

Have a great weekend all!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Barbara, In Our Thoughts and Prayers.

Sending you love and support from blogland.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Happy Monday!

Back to the grind today. I had a fantastic weekend of relaxing, cooking, and exercise. I ate really well, worked out 5 times last week and hope to see some continued movement into the 160's. I have a busy week ahead of me, and a really strange schedule because I work Saturday and Sunday this week. The weather is extremely cold here...6 degrees this morning and I just can't get warm!

Sending you all good vibes for the week ahead!

Friday, January 21, 2011

Friday Weigh- In

Down 1 lb to 169 lbs. I will take it. I am back in the 160's and I am staying. I am not going back to the 170's again!

Happy Friday!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

I Can Totally Relate!

After I read Amy W's post about her "naked cry" I felt like I could have written that post. Lately, I have been bouncing back and forth between how much progress I have made and how I will always be fat. I feel like I just can't get out of the 170's and stay out. I keep bouncing up and down in the 160's back to the 170's. I have a really good week and feel great, just to be followed by a really hard week.

I know I have come a long way, I know I have lost a lot of weight. But I am really struggling now. I know who and where I want to be but I just can't seem to get there. I have had a great week. I am back to working out and feeling strong and making good food choices. But I still can't help but feel like I just haven't done enough, that I will never get there.

Blah... I talked to my therapist about this today. We are working on this together. I don't want to compare myself to others or decide on a goal weight based on what other people expect of me or think is a good weight for me. I want to be happy being me... and I will.

Step aerobics at 6 am tomorrow, hell yes!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Pizza= yum

It is my typical Tuesday night.. I work until 9. Tuesday are always interesting for me because I usually eat two meals at work. For lunch I had one of those DiGiorno 200 Calorie Portions pizzas. It was really good and the perfect size for a Lap Bander. It isn't the most nutritious thing I could eat but it is 200 calories and 10 grams of protein. For dinner I had this salad with cucumbers, chick peas, cheese, and vinaigrette. It was delicious!

I am still having that adjust period to my current fill level. I pb much easier now (verses when I was really tight). I am not sure why this is, but it has always been the case for me when I am a little looser. I have to be more aware of the way things are going down because it is way more possible they will come back up.

This week has already been a busy one for me and I suspect it is only going to get busier. It is also my annual review on Friday... something I never look forward to. We are assigned new yearly goals and it is always really overwhelming.

On the weight front, I haven't really seen much movement of the scale but there will be no official news until I weigh myself on Friday.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Restriction update

So as I sit here eating my "big salad" lunch (lettuce, cucumbers, egg, feta, chicken, craisins, and vinaigrette) I am trying to get a good sense of my restriction. In all honesty, I had gotten used to REALLY TIGHT. I had been overfilled since my last fill in late September and just figured I would work with it until it loosened up.

I learned a very important lesson from this all... when you are too tight you eat what you can and what is easiest. This makes it very hard to eat what is *best* for you body and health. I was shying away from "real foods" and instead eating things mushy... in fact, I had been putting chicken in the food processor to make what I like to call "chicken dust" to add to other mushy foods. It actually wasn't that bad, but when I would tell people about, of even looking back now, it is a little bizarre.

I am happy to be able to eat nutritious and filling foods again, I am happy to think about all the healthy options I can welcome back to my diet. It really is exciting. However, with this new looser band I will have be a far more responsible eater because I can eat a lot more. I am probably even on the looser side of restriction even. I can eat without too much chewing and I can eat relatively fast. I can drink while I eat... but I still have the gurgle when I eat yogurt in the morning.

At this point I am just going to roll with it and make the weight loss happen. Looking back I did my most excellent losing when I had ZERO restriction (granted that was the first 6 months after surgery and I was committed to the extreme).

Happy Saturday!

Friday, January 14, 2011

Weighed in this morning at...

170 lbs which is 4 down from my holiday gain of 6lbs! I am happy with that and feel like I am on a path to better things. I also got a .5cc unfill this morning. SO MUCH BETTER! But... also maybe too good. I will update you all tomorrow when I am able to feel it out better.

Happy Weekend for those who are lucky enough to have it... me.. I have to work tomorrow. :)

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Quick Update and Horrifying Picture

So I called my doctor today to see if I could get in for the unfill sooner then next Friday and I have an appointment for tomorrow morning. I am really having trouble with my current level and have been getting heartburn and a lot of pain while eating. I am so relieved to be getting it taken care of tomorrow!

Also, I wanted to post this horrible picture my mom sent me from June 0f 2009 with a current picture. Obviously the before picture couldn't be more horrible or less flattering but I thought it was a good likeness to who I was (both inside and out).

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Last week... eating FAIL.

Last week I had big plans for cleaning up my eating but it just didn't happen. I was still so sick and feeling horrible and unmotivated. I missed a couple days of work and stayed in bed. I also ate a few pints of ice cream (too tight with all the ick to get anything else down). I didn't lose much last week... maybe .5 lb of the 5 lbs I had gained.

So, this week I am feeling better and have the energy to get "clean". I have been making really good choices and even exercising. I feel better and hope to get the rest of the weight I gained off ASAP. I am really feeling like I want to put in the effort to lose my last 30ish lbs before summer. My new goal is to get to 145 by June 10th. It is a somewhat ambitious goal but I really think I can do it.

I have seen others recommitting to losing their weight and I am inspired by you guys as well. Here is to lbs lost in the new year!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Quit Playing Games With My Pouch

I am getting so tired of my strange restriction. This morning I am stuck on yogurt. I am dying here.... the worst back pain ever. I am also menstrual which does make a huge difference on band tightness... but I am WAY too tight this morning. I finally decided to schedule an appointment for an unfill. I couldn't get in until the 20th, they asked if it was an emergency, which it isn't.

Normally I can get down mushies in the morning and at lunch time but still can struggle at dinner. Some days I can eat solids for lunch and dinner. However, I have started having heartburn occasionally and think that eating the way I have been is not helping my weight loss. I want to be able to eat good solid proteins again. I am thinking a small unfill will make a big difference. Looks like I am doing liquids for breakfast and lunch this week.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Vacation is over- Boo!

Back to the real world again. I have been off for the past 12 days and now I am back at work. Unfortunately, my vacation time wasn't so super because both my husband and I were sick the entire time. We seem to have contracted some miserable virus that just won't go down without a fight. I am still feeling crappy, though less, today.

All in all I had a restful and food filled vacation. I am back to the straight and narrow today. I had one too many alcoholic beverages as well as cookies and candy. Blech.. I gained about 5 lbs over the last couple weeks though I suspect a few of those lbs aren't for real. I have had soo much salt and junk that I think as soon as I have a couple good days of eating it will all melt back off.. at least most of it.

Here's to a healthy and happy New Year, I am going to try to catch up on blogs!

P.S. I didn't spend a single minute on the Internet for the last 12 days. That is crazy!