I have been MIA.

And I am up up and up. I am currently weighing in at 208.4. However, I am not yet updating because Friday is the official day. I can only imagine how much worse it will be by then! :) Yup, you read me right. Almost four pounds in less then two weeks. I have been over indulging. How guilty do I feel? Yeah not so much actually. I have had a fantastic time, however, I don't go back to work until Monday and am a little stressed about staying on track. I have learned though, that I will not gain 20 lbs in a week. I go in for a fill next Tuesday and the timing is perfect. I have almost no restriction. I can tell a small difference if I eat too fast or don't chew (at all) but I can eat pretty much anything and as much of it as I want. I did get tons of compliments from my family about how much thinner I am. I am looking forward to the new year and getting hardcore on my weight loss again.

I am most thankful for the decision I made to have the band surgery. I would not be where I am without it. Even though it has been a rough week and a half, there is no doubt I will get back on track!

The first picture is of myself, my husband, and our pitbull Ike. I am suffering from that whole "bigger head" problem Amy talked about in one of her posts. The second pic is Jay and Ike, Ike is smiling so nice I wanted to include it.

Struggling!

There, I said it. I am struggling! I am, hands down, having the hardest week since being banded. I have never gone a week without a loss since my surgery. I know I am lucky and that is not the norm. But this week I am certain I will gain. I hate that idea. I have been avoiding my blog because I just don't want to be faced with the truth.

I saw my therapist this morning ( I see him once a week) and we talked about my current state. I can't help but feel like a failure. I am having a horrible time saying no to all the temptations and am eating junk at all these parties. I know rationally that I will not gain my 53 lbs back in a week or even two or even a month. But it scares me. I feel a little out of control. For the first time having no restriction is really challenging to me.

My therapist pointed out that this is not a failure but a struggle. He explained that it is like being in a storm and that I am trying to find my way. Yes, exactly. I want two things. I want to stay on track, continue to lose weight, be healthy, but I also want to be like everyone else and indulge. I was to feel "normal" at holiday get togethers. However, I am missing the restriction to remind me not to over do it.

I wish I could just let go, enjoy this time and not worry about the number on the scale. I know I will get back at it whole hog, I have no question that I will come through this. I am just worried about the damage I will do in the mean time.

Grr... why can't this whole weight loss thing be easy?! :)

What's Up With Me?!

Nothing good, that's for sure. I have been eating and eating and eating. I have already had a couple of parties and have 4 more before the week is done. Yikes! I am enjoying the holidays so far though, I am not feeling too guilty. I do wish I had some restriction. Maybe Santa will bring it for Christmas!

Weigh In

Well, even though I don't have much restriction I did well this week. I am down 2.4 lbs for a grand total of 53lbs down. Only 7 lbs to Onederland! Woot Woot. I also made my Christmas goal a little early! All in all, a good Friday!

It is official... No restriction

So, I had a turkey burger on a bottom bun last night without chewing very good. No issues. Like I said before, I am not really disappointed in this. I have enjoyed my journey and have learned to rely on myself for now. Though I know I won't be able to do that forever, that was why I had the surgery.

I have had a very successful eating week so far and have consistently worked out everyday. I have been running and do the step aerobics. I feel so much better when I am on track but also know this is the calm before the storm. Next week starts "eating madness". Monday I have a department lunch (I am the only person in my entire library who works in two departments both adult and teen services). Wednesday I have my other department lunch, Thursday I have a brunch, Friday X-Mas with husbands fam, and Sunday X-mas with my fam. Yikes. I wonder how much I can gain in one week?!

I do plan on indulging, within reason. I will eat what I want, just watch my portions. I do think my fill has made a difference in the amount I can eat, at least slightly. I don't think I can pack it down like I could before this fill, but I don't plan on trying either.

I will, without doubt, be strict about exercise all next week. No messing around there! That seems to be my saving grace in all this. What plan of attack will you all be using during the next holidays weeks?

Do I have restriction, maybe, probably not

So, I had my fill yesterday under fluoro. The doctor got the needle in on the first poke (without using the x-ray) and I was so relieved. They then moved the table that I was laying on to an upright position and filled the band. Then I had to drink the barium. We watched it as it just sat there, and sat there, and sat there. So, the doctor takes out a little, has me drink the barium and it goes down slowly. He then puts in a touch more and has me drink again. Barium sits for a minute and then slowly goes through the band. He is happy with this, and I am thinking, "WOW must be big time restriction".

I was on liquids all day yesterday, so obviously I couldn't tell. Back to solids today and I am still able to eat fast and without chewing that great. Not that I intentionally did this, I just forgot to be careful. I ate a whole snack size bag of pretzels and I couldn't feel any issues.

I am not complaining. I didn't want to go from zero restriction to full restriction. I would rather practice getting back to good habits and work up to good restriction. I think I am one of the few who feels this way. I also know in a week or so the fill could kick in and tighten up.

I do want to enjoy the holidays (within reason) and still lose weight. I will just keep on keep'n on!

BIG fill... or at least it seemed like it

So, I went in this morning to have my fill done under fluoroscope. It was awesome. This is the first successful fill I have had (except for the one done during my revision surgery). The doctor didn't even need to use the x-ray to find my port. One stick and he was in. He filled me super full had me drink the barium and then started removing fluid until the barium went down at a good pace. It was so cool to watch.

I am really helping this is going to get me back on the straight and narrow for good... or at least mostly good. I am on liquids today so I can't really tell much yet. The liquid, thank god, is going down easy. On a side note, I am totally afraid of getting the "so tight I can't swallow my spit" problem.

I am feeling really positive about this fill and ate great yesterday. Dare I say it, I think I am back on track!

Why are all my weekends "bad eating" weekends?!

Lately every weekend has been one full of bad eating. Mostly me, allowing myself to make bad choices. I am not really getting down on myself in this post. I am aware when I am making these choices, and I could just say no. But I don't, first off, Friday nights dinner was high cal and high fat. I was lazy and ate the easiest thing I could find after getting home late. Then the whole taco bell thing yesterday, and then dinner with the friends. I ate mac and cheese, enchilada, corn bread, black bean soup, and lots of wine.

My biggest problem is my zero restriction. I go in Tuesday to have that taken care of and hopefully that will stop the eat too much part. Today started out good but I was so starving before dinner that I ate some chips and salsa and yeah.. some Godiva cookies. I worked for Godiva for many years while doing both my under grad and graduate degree. I love Godiva. Strangely.. I was also able to manage a reasonable weight (170 was my high) while working there.

Anyway, I was promising myself I would get back on track 100% today.. but no go. I was feeling really blue all day and those cookies did make me feel better. I did, as I try to do everyday, work out. I did an hour of step aerobics and some toning. I do feel good about that. At least when I am eating bad I am maintaining an exercise routine. I would never have done that before.

Part of the issue with my bad eating is that I do it and I still lose weight that week. Granted my numbers have been lower but the weight is still coming off. It sort of reinforces my bad behavior. I guess the real point is, is that I do keep working at it. It may be two steps forward and one step back, but I am still one step ahead. Here's hoping this new week will be full of good decisions and great restriction!

New Haircut!

Wohoo! I got a new cut and color today! Not so sure why I look so drunk... I am not at all drunk! Going out to dinner with a bunch of couples so it should be fun and lots of food. I must also confess I had taco bell today.. and I enjoyed it. Can I say taco bell grande and a crunchy taco... yup fatty fatty big fat fatty. I haven't had fast food since the surgery and I really wanted it..so I had it. Now I feel slightly gross and greasy. O well!

Weekly Weigh-In and a Photo Update

Well, I did it. I made my goal plus a little. I am officially 50 lbs down, actually 50.6 but who's counting. I lost 1.8 lbs this week. I expected a bigger loss but I think things may be a little wacky this week because I started working out again.

I am, however, thrilled with the loss and am loving being 50 down. I did some updated photos today. However, they are not all that different from the last ones.




I am wearing the same shirt in all these photos but it is getting really big and baggy now. In the next photo I will have to wear something a little more form fitting. From left to right my weight is 259, 220, 209.

Inspiration To Get Me Move'n

So, I have started jogging very regularly. I have build up enough stamina that I can jog for about 30 minutes without stopping. That is awesome, it is great, it makes me feel amazing.... but I need really good music to keep my pace strong. So, I look to you all for suggestions. I have found that pretty much any upbeat Lady Gaga works, as well as Black Eyed Peas, and Rihanna works great. Disco also works well but I need to be in the right mood for that.

So I ask you guys, what music makes you want to move?! Not even work out, maybe dance or shake your money maker. Don't be ashamed of your dirty little secrets, (shhh.... I still like NKOTB) I want to know what you love!

On a different note, I have a busy weekend ahead. Tomorrow night I am going to a basketball game (my husband coaches high school basketball) and then probably out to the bar. Saturday we have our monthly dinner with our group of friends. That means LOTS of drinks and food. It is so much fun though. I always struggle to stay on track at these events, but one night isn't the end all. So far no plans other than wrapping gifts on Sunday.

Tomorrow is the official weigh in and I have a goal to meet....210. I am feeling hopeful!

Weight Loss Surgery, Carbohydrates and Exercise

Weight Loss Surgery, Carbohydrates and Exercise

Funny enough this was the article on the homepage of Obesityhelp.com today. I didn't visit until after my carb rant.

The Low Carb Chaos

Okay, I visit Lapbandtalk.com and obesityhelp.com a few times a week. I like to see what other people are doing and how their journeys are going. But, I feel this resounding pressure to go low carb or no carb. I almost always leave these sites feeling like I need to revamp my diet just because everyone else is doing low or no carb.

I have tried this form of dieting before and know it doesn't work for me. I am cranky and tired and miserable. I also can still eat all carbs because I have little restriction. I know that as my restriction changes so will my carb eating, but I still will be eating them.

Obviously I know some carbs are better then other carbs, but I am so tired of talking about it. I track everything I eat, every day. Today I had 977 calories, 116 carbs, 29 grams of fat, and 79 grams of protein. Most of the carbs came from the oatmeal and Greek yogurt I ate, but I also had some brown sugar on my oatmeal, and I refuse to feel bad about that.

Every time I see my nutritionist I ask her about this. She says not to worry about carbs, just to make good choices. But, somehow, I still feel like she is lying to me. Every time someone asks a question about their Lap Band "diet" on one of the message boards all the answers always involve the dreaded low carb phrase. Some people are incredibly extreme others just say no potatoes, bread, or pasta EVER. I am not willing to say"no ____ EVER". I will not live that life. I love potatoes... I even like pasta, bread is good.

Why can't I get over the fact that what I am doing is working for me and I don't need to do something because everyone else is. I am averaging a loss of over 3 lbs a week and that is great. Could it be better if I didn't eat the evil carb?? Maybe, but I would hate it. This is my carbohydrate manifesto!

P.S. Harvard agrees with my stand against low carb. They have come to the conclusion that all diets work pretty much the same as long as you are taking in less calories then you are using. Read all about it here.

Monday, Monday

My co-worker snapped the photo to the left this morning when I got into work. I am finally starting to feel less fat. That is a good start to a Monday morning! I am so tired this morning. For some reason I woke up at 3 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep. Now I am at work and feeling sleepy. I started working out again yesterday after a week off. It felt really good. Now to keep it up! My incision is looking really good, just a little scabby but should be completely healed in a week or two.

So I was looking through photos from this time last year. I found a picture from my work Christmas party and one from Christmas with my parents. I figure I was close to my highest weight (259) in these photos. Man, I hate these pictures. I plan on posting some new photos when I hit my 50 lbs down ( I am like 1 lbs away) and hopefully I can see a big difference. I can sort of now anyway just looking at them.

Notice in the picture above I was wearing all black. This is a big thing for me. I am always trying to minimize my fatness. I am looking forward to buying more color and less black stuff.

Saturday and working are a sucky combination!

It is Saturday, and I have to work. Unfortunately, working in a library means you work weekends. Right now I work every other Saturday, however our budget was cut massively which means more hours with less people. Starting in January I will also have to work one Sunday a month. It is so hard to be inspired while I am working on the weekends.

I am also really hungry today and craving junk food. I really want chocolate. There is chocolate all over the back offices and I have to keep myself in check from eating all of it. I really do need a good fill. I am finding that I am hungry all the time and don't stay full long. It is hard to stay motivated and make good choices when you are always hungry. One week from Tuesday I will be getting my "super" fill so hopefully that will bring good restriction.

I was off yesterday and spent a good 4 hours at the dentist. I have some periodontal issues so usually about once a year I have to go in for two major appointments. My next one is Tuesday and hopefully that is it for a while. I was able to pretty much finish up my Christmas shopping. What a relief! I don't enjoy Christmas shopping, it stresses me out and is expensive! I can't believe Christmas is only 20 days away! I really really hope I can get under the 200 mark by then. I just need to stay away from the junk!

Have a good weekend!

Friday Weigh- In

Well, it is Friday and the day I weigh in. I lost another 2.8 lbs this week and am only .2 lbs away from my next goal and only 1.2 away from the big 5-0 mark. I can't wait to get there and I will be working my ass off this week so I can not only meet my goal but blow it out of the water!

My incision is finally starting to look really good. What a relief!! I am hoping I am done with surgery for a good long time now. I am going to start working out again on Sunday. It was so easy not to work out and I am sort of dreading getting back to it. Before it was just a part of life and I did it and had no problem doing it. How easy it is to settle back into old habits.

I have to have a bunch of dental work today, I really know how to enjoy a day off. Hope everyone has a great Friday!

A fill... in less than two weeks?!!!

Okay, so the doctors office called me this morning with my appointment time. I wasn't expecting to hear back so soon... it takes longer to schedule an appointment in radiology. Well she says, "you fill is scheduled for December 15th at 8:30 am". I was shocked. The doctor had told me a month. Apparently the only time available was either the 15th or January 20th. He didn't want me to wait that long. Holy Moly, I was not expecting this. He was planning on filling me to "good restriction" using the barium method. Now I am a little nervous because I thought I would have Christmas to screw around.

I am happy to be having a fill so soon but also a little surprised. It is funny how I have torn feelings about this. All I have wanted for so long was restriction but when faced with that possibility it sort of freaks me out. I have gone 3 months with none and it has been tough but there is also something comforting about the fact that I can still eat whatever I want without any trouble.

I guess it is time for my band to start working with me.

Happy Hump Day!

Saw the doctor today, and thanks for all your good thoughts!

I saw my doctor this morning. Of course, this morning my incision looked the best it has and wasn't sore. He said it is for sure not infected and that it looked like the stitches were just making it harder for it to heal. I had dissolvable stitches but for some reason they have been really slow to actually dissolve. The doctor opened up both ends of the incision and fished out the knots from the stitches and cut those off. He said that should help things along.

Sadly, he wasn't able to give me a fill. He didn't want to poke around in there when it is still so raw and sore. He did however schedule me for my next fill under fluoro. He is going to give me a big ole fill next time. He will fill me until I have restriction and we will do a couple barium tests. I can't have that for a month though. That means I will have to rely on will power to get me through the holidays! Scary!!

He was very pleased with my weight loss and couldn't believe I have no restriction. I was down another .8 lbs and I am very excited about that. That makes for a total loss of 47lbs in exactly 3 months (well 3 months tomorrow). I usually weigh a couple pounds heavier on his scale. I am looking forward to weighing in Friday and hopefully it will be a nice small number. I would love to get under 210.

Thanks for all your positive replies to my posts. I really thought I would be having another surgery. I feel so much better after my visit with the doctor. Thanks again for all being such great friends and a great support!

Monday, Oi!

Back to work after my nice long holiday weekend. I always feel sort of bummed out to have to go back to work after having some time off. I really like my job, but I also really like my time off. I am also back at the good eating, though that wasn't easy either. All I can think about it all the delicious things I ate while I was celebrating the holiday weekend. It was soooo good but soooooo bad for me.

My incision is still looking really shady. The doctor told me to put hot compresses on it a few times a day. I have been doing that all weekend. Saturday night another little hole opened up towards the middle of the incision. It looked weird so I gently picked at it (I know, not a good idea). Well out came a good inch or more of stitches with a big ole stitch knot. It is still attached and hurts if I pull on it. I called the doctor and he said to leave it until he can look at it tomorrow. I can't wait to go in. I just want him to tell me something is wrong and how to fix. I was so looking forward to my next fill but I am sure there is no way he will give me one with the current situation, and that is fine.

Wednesday is my three month bandiversary and I have only had one fill to date. I am proud of the weight loss I have had despite the set backs. I am still thankful for my band. I just wish it would start earning it's keep!

Thanksgiving Confessions and WARNING potentially gross picture

Ugh, I have just been catching up on blogs and feel so guilty about my super bad eating week(end) from hell. It all started on Wednesday (yup 4 days ago) when my sister and brother-in-law came into town. Drinking and eating commenced at once. I ate way too much on Thursday and haven't stopped since.



As you can see from the photo, I am still have big issues with my port. I called my doctor again yesterday because I am still have a ton of pain and my incision looks bad. He said he is certain it is a seroma (fluid trapped below the incision) and is not an infection. He asked if I wanted him to have one of his people meet me at the hospital or if I just wanted to wait until Tuesday and he could drain it. The hospital is an hour away and my family is in town so decided to just wait, though I am not sure if that was the best choice. He said to put hot compresses on it and try to get it to drain.

I have been on a double dose of antibiotics for a week now (prescribed on Sunday when I went in). This has been a disaster. It is so painful and I just don't know how it is every going to heal. All this crap hasn't helped me in keeping motivated either and exercise is pretty much impossible because it causes too much friction.

My plan of attack is to focus on getting back on track tomorrow and making good choices with food. I have come so far and have done it pretty much on my own so I know I can continue being successful. I just fear I am headed for another port revision.

Hope you all had a great holiday weekend!

Thanksgiving and so close yet so far

Happy Thanksgiving! I weighed myself today to see if I made my goal. I did not. Sadly I missed it by .8 lbs. Happily I lost 2.2 lbs! I am good with that!

Thanks for the good vibes!

Thanks to all who commented to give me encouragement. I am feeling a little better today. My incision is still really sore and still red. It does look better and it seems to be getting smaller. Unfortunately the superhuman dose of antibiotics are taking their toll on me stomach. I get so dizzy and nauseous. Just in time for the holidays! Maybe that will keep me from eating too much!

My sister and her family are coming to stay with us tonight-Saturday. I am looking forward to it, but it is a huge lifestyle change for us because my sister and brother-in-law have 3 kids. They are energetic and loud and crazy. They are also a lot of fun. I am sure by Saturday I will need a LONG nap. We are also planning on doing some black Friday shopping. We are considering starting at midnight tomorrow and keep on going. My sister is pretty hardcore, I hope I can keep up.

I have a feeling I won't make my 3 lbs goal this week. I haven't been exercising or really watching what I am eating. We will see tomorrow!

I worry...

I have this problem where I worry about the what ifs. I always think of the worst case scenario and then stress about. I actually take medication for generalized anxiety and that has made it considerably better but I still have times when I am overly concerned. Right now I am really stressed about the infection. I am taking a really high dosage of antibiotics and it seems to look a little better but it started draining this morning. It is not pussy or anything but I am still freaking out. I talked to the nurse at the surgeons office and she said it sounds normal because the fluid would need to drain out somewhere.

I have had so many issues with my band early on. I just want to be healthy and happy and successful with it's help. I know I should not worry and that the antibiotics take time but I just don't want it to get worse.

In other news, I didn't sleep very well last night. I woke up at four and tried to fall back asleep couldn't. I am not sure what the deal was but I realized I wasn't making any progress just laying there so I got up. Now I am tired and at work. What a Blah Monday!

Infection

So, I had to the see the doctor this week because I was having a lot of pain at the bottom of my incision from my revision. I have an infection and am on an obscene done of antibiotics. I hope to God this clears it up and I don't have any other issues.

I am ready for next week, I only have to work three days and then will have four off. I need a break. I am, of course, concerned about the eating but I will survive. I have a mini goal of losing another 3 lbs before then. I would like to 212 by Thanksgiving. We will see if that happens.

Forty Four!!

All in all I am very pleased with my week. After my last weekend of disastrous eating I was still able to pull off a 1.8 lbs loss for a total of 44 lbs down! Wow! The big 5-0 is just around the corner and I can't wait. I am also only 16 lbs away from onederland.

I have to go to my surgeon's office today because my incision from my revision looks slightly suspect. Hopefully it is nothing. I am tired of set-backs! Happy Friday all!!

Thursday update, and my new obsession

So, my incision from my port revision is draining. I called the surgeons office today to ask if I should be concerned and they said no but that I should come in just in case I need an antibiotic. I am not thrilled about this, I wish I could get a fill but don't want a needle anywhere near that area right now, and there is no way I would get the Dr to do it anyway. I am so jealous of Jennifer's 4 cc fill she got (I am also supportively happy for her :)). My doctor is ultra conservative and would never do 4 ccs at one time. I am so looking forward to going in for my next fill Dec 1st and hopefully I will get a couple ccs.

Anyway, I am obsessed with fat free hot cocoa! Every day, when I am getting tired and hungry at about midday I have a mug of this. It is amazing. But here is the confession part, we have this bottle of whip cream in the fridge at work... Yup, I have been hitting that up too. It is just SOOOOO good. We will see how this impacts the scale tomorrow on my official weigh in day. I am expecting bad news after my weekend of eating hell.

Tuesday, Dentist, Work

First and foremost, I got my teeth cleaned this morning.... doesn't my smile look bright and shiny?! :) I actually spent a couple of hours at the dentist this morning, one of my favorite ways to spend a morning (not really). I had a 9:45 appointment this morning and I set my alarm for 8 so that I could work out before my appointment. I had to drag myself out of bed and I was so tired. I almost gave in and stayed in bed with the cat and dog but I sucked it up and got in a pretty good workout.

I find that the more I push myself to stay on track the easier it is to push myself. I feel way more guilty skipping if I am ruining a good exercise streak. I got a couple of new exercise DVDs and I can't wait to try them out. I have decided that this is one of the most important ways to keep myself motivated, constantly switching it up and trying new things.

The eating front has been great. I have been right on track and drinking lots of water to undo all the bad karma from the weekend. I haven't weighed myself, I really only do it once a week. I find in times like these it is very helpful in keeping me from getting too discouraged.

What a DISASTER!

My weekend was an eating disaster, and by disaster I mean complete and total out of control eating mayhem. I am so looking forward to a weekend with NO plans so that I can eat really good and get myself under control again. I realized this weekend that I pretty much have zero self control again. I have done pretty great for the first 10 weeks but my will power is quickly dissipating.

I did continue to work out even with the bad eating, that is something I would have never done before the band. I would have just given in to the," this weekend is already screwed" state of mind. I even worked out twice as long so I was able to feel good about that.

The thing is my weekends have been bad for the past few weeks and I have continued to have really good weight loss. I think this has lead me to continue to push the limits. I tell myself, "well I lost 3+ lbs last week and ate whatever I wanted on Saturday and Sunday so what if I eat whatever I want Friday-Sunday it can't be that much worse right?" It scares me that I walking a slippery slope and that I will not be able to rein myself in.

I packed a good lunch today, had breakfast already, and plan to get in all my water, and a good workout. I am hoping for better days ahead!

The bandster quiz

I must admit, I love stuff like this!


1. How long have you been banded?
11 weeks on Wednesday

2. What was your highest pre-band weight? / Current weight now? / Total lost to date?
259lbs/ 216.8 / 42.2 lbs

3. What is your best "go-to" food to get in your protein?
Greek Yogurt

4. What is your favorite protein brand/shake?
Slimfast Low Carb Chocolate

5. What food do you miss the most now being post-band?
Bread

6. What is your favorite "mushy" food?
Fat free refried beans with sour cream and cheese

7. What was your worst PB experience?
Eating chicken too fast, terrible!

8. What has been the hardest part of this journey so far for you?
I have encountered some set backs, I had a port flip, had to have a revision, and have only had one fill in 11 weeks. No restriction this far out is a struggle.

9. What is your best NSV to date?
Fitting into clothes I have been saving for "when I lose weight".

10. What is your top non-weight goal for your band?
Being able push my plate away with no emotional issues when I am done eating.

11. What is your goal weight or size? 135, I have been there before many many years ago and I loved it.

12. What band "rule" do you live by (i.e. don't cheat on)? No soda, I tried it once since I had my band and only one sip.

13. What band "rule" do you not follow as much or aren't so good at? Eating slowly, I still scarf but I have no restriction so once I have to slow down I am sure I will.

14. What is your goal "reward"? Probably plastic surgery, a tummy tuck if needed.

Friday Weigh-In

I weighed myself this morning and I am down another 3.2 lbs! That makes a grand total of 42.2 lbs down. Hopefully that will be some inspiration for my challenging weekend to come. Happy Friday all!!

The weekend, to dread or not to dread?!

First of all, I am posting a picture of one of our adorable cats (we have four). This is Vito.

I am already nervous about the weekend. First tomorrow, we have a staff inservice and will have lunch catered. I can never trust myself in these situations. Being that I have no restriction and an appetite of a wild mongoose I just don't know how I will handle the situation when it comes. I believe we are having soups, and salads, and hummus and pita. It sounds reasonable... it even sounds like good options, but it is still scary. We will also have a reception for the longevity awards, this will include cake, brownies, pie, ect.

Saturday we are hosting a dinner party for three other couples. This is something we do monthly with our friends, however we take turns hosting. It is always themed and since it is November we are doing a Thanksgiving dinner. Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, salad, cheesecake, and lots and lots of alcohol. I usually don't stress too much about eating at these get-togethers. I allow myself to splurge and enjoy the company.

Sunday we are going out to eat my my husbands family for my father-in-laws birthday. We will then follow-up with dessert at someones house. So much going on, so much to navigate. I am sure it will be fine but eating still stresses me out. I can't wait to get some restriction.

On the flip side a co-worker told me "I am becoming a shadow of my former self". What a great compliment!

These Pants Fit!

Wow, I can't believe I am wearing the pants I am wearing today. I have so many clothes in so many sizes in bins in my closet and basement. Well this morning I wasn't able to find anything that fit so I decided to look and see what was in the closet bins. I pulled out a pair of pants I haven't worn in years and tried them on. They fit perfectly! It made me feel so awesome to be able to get into these pants again, especially because I had tried them on a month ago and it wasn't pretty. I couldn't even get them anywhere near buttoned. Today they are the perfect fit.

On another note, I have been starving all day and wanting to eat everything in site. I don't know why this happens but it seems every once and a while I can not be satisfied. I just ate a protein bar and hope that will keep me happy until dinner. I think I will take my break now and go walk for my lunch hour.

Dare I say it?!

I am actually really enjoying exercise these days. I used to find it extremely annoying when these skinny women would say that "love to work out". Love would be a really strong word, but I am learning to harness exercise as a valuable stress relief. I also enjoy the feeling I get after a good workout, I feel so refreshed and energized. Don't get me wrong, I may still cry during my step aerobics and swear under my breath while jogging. I am just trying to think differently about exercise.

Right now I am at a weird place. I had gotten into a really good pattern and was working out every morning before work. Then I had my surgery and now I am very limited to what I can do. It would be so easy to not exercise at all. I guess I just need to keep at it and just do my walking. Something is better then nothing right?!

On to another topic... I LOVE taco salad. Last night I made some ground turkey taco meat and mixed it with black beans, salsa, cheese, sour cream, and tomatoes on top of a big ole pile of lettuce and... HEAVEN! Mexican food is by far my favorite and has been one of the most difficult things to satisfy. This worked great and was so easy too. Yumm-o, it will surely become a standard meal as long as I can eat it.

My virtual inspiration

To all of you who blog out there, you totally inspire me. I have probably avoided a million binges just because your words have encouraged me! I just read Amy's blog and now feel so much better about my lack of control and restriction. I feel like there is hope for restriction! I follow so many blogs and I read them on a very regular basis. I have picked up so many tips and tricks, as well as a good laugh many times. So thank you!

Today I am back in the saddle again. I made myself some chicken salad sort of thing with eggs and light mayo and onions. I wasn't able to eat all of it, but mostly I think that was just because I got bored. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't awesome either.

I find myself getting into an eating rut more and more lately. I am trying to keep it fresh and exciting but man... I just don't know. I still can't have beef for another 4 months and turkey and chicken are getting boring. I like pork but don't have a whole lot of variety with that either. I don't really cook fish at home... I just suck at it. I have been spending my non-busy reference desk time looking at new recipes. If you guys have anything awesome to share, please do!

My port incision is sore today! Wearing real pants seems to be a problem. I also really want to get back into my work-out routine but have to be so careful, and that makes it hard. I can't help but think if I am not extremely careful I will screw my port up again. I know this isn't the case but I still can't stop thinking about it. I do NOT want to go through another surgery.

Before And After

259 Before
220 After
259 Before

220 After



This weekend has been an eating disaster. I have no change in my restriction after my first fill and I had a crazy weekend. First last night we had dinner with some friends. I drank a lot of wine and ate way more then I should of.

Tonight we had my belated birthday/brother-in-laws birthday celebration and again ate way too much... including cake. I feel guilty and just feel bummed that I haven't gotten more comments on my weightloss. It is 39 freak'n pounds! That is almost 40 lbs and no one seems to be noticing. So, even though I said I wouldn't do any after shots until I hit 50 lbs, I wanted to see progress so I did them.

I can tell a big difference and that made me feel so much better! Here's to getting back on the wagon tomorrow. I plan to start my day off with a 3 mile walk at 6 am.

I survived my revision!

Yesterday I had to be at the hospital at 5:30 am to have my port revision surgery. That meant I had to get up around 4 am so that we could be there in time (it is about an hour drive). It was rough getting up and I wasn't really looking forward to having this procedure, though I knew it was unavoidable if I ever wanted a fill.

I went through all the drama of pre-op, IV, questions, anti-nausea drugs, and so on. Dr. Katz came to talk to me before the procedure and made me feel comfortable, as he always does ( I love him). Right about 7:30 they rolled me in. The procedure was only about 15 minutes long in total and was a very different experience from my original banding. I was only given local and a light sedative. I got on the operating table myself and remember hearing Dr. Katz and the nurses talking the entire time. I remember having my eyes open but it was weird and foggy. Towards the end everything became much more clear and I felt a great deal of pain as they were finishing up the stitches.

I have been pretty sore but nothing I can't live with. I have been taking my pain meds when it gets too sore. The incision is larger than my original port incision and more sore. The biggest disappointment is the effect this has had on my work-outs. I was getting a good rhythm of working out hard every morning. I can't do a whole lot now and need to take it easy for 3 weeks.

All in all, I am glad this is over and I hope it is the only bump in my journey!

Weighing In Early

I am updating my weight a day early this week because tomorrow I have to be out the door at 4:30 for my port revision. I finally heard back, got all the clearances, and am set to go. I am not looking forward to it, but not really dreading it either. At least it is a step in the right direction!

I spent the last two days at a library conference and had a good time. I learned a lot and met some great people, including a Lap Band pen pal I had never met in real life. I am tired today and looking forward to getting on with the weekend.

On to my weight related information. I weighed myself this morning and was 220 exactly! Woohoo. That is 4 lbs down for the week and a total of 39lbs down. I did weigh in a little heavier at my doctors office this morning but doesn't count cause I don't know that scale.

The Universe Hates Me!

First off, I am including a couple of pictures that mortify me and made me quite aware of the weight problem I often denied. I am not sure what my weight was in these photos but I would guess I would around roughly 255ish. I plan to take my first after photo when I hit 50 lbs down.

So I am not sure why the universe keeps shitting on me. Last night I got home from work and my husband was outside with the dog. He looks at car and says I have a flat tire. Yeah that sucks, but it sucks twice as much because I got four new tires two weeks ago. So I call the place I got the tires from, at least there is a warranty. I bring it in this morning and guess what... the rim is busted. So, it is obviously not covered plus the rim for my car is in Indiana and costs $300+. They had an after market rim that would fit but not match... it also cost $90. So... I got the after market rim. My car looks lovely!

I will be going out of town tomorrow and Thursday for a library conference. The eating situation sort of stresses me out. I will bring as much as I can, but I am limited. I still haven't heard back from my surgeon about what time I will be going in on Friday for my surgery. Hopefully it is nice and early in the morning and I can relax the rest of the day.

On the good new front, I have been getting up every morning before work to work out. It feels great. I have been doing the C25K, and am on my 3rd week. I feel really good. On the days I don't do that I do step aerobics, which I actually really enjoy. I am wondering if I have the energy to get up at 5:30 am tomorrow to work out or if that is just a bit much. I usually get up around 6 and that is pushing it.

Frustrated, Hungry, and back at it again.

I am really struggling with the fact that I am almost 9 weeks out and have not yet had a fill. As I explained in my earlier post, my port has flipped and is not accessible. I am really having to rely on will power. At this point, I feel like I have none left. I can eat whatever I want, with minimal chewing just like the old days. Hopefully I can get a fill when I have my port repositioned on Saturday.

I have done really well so far and I know that but I feel like I am starting to backslide and lose my "Anna Power". I had a bad eating weekend but have been back at since yesterday 100%. I can do this. Take note of my saggy size 18 pants in the picture (I am obviously the pumpkin). I didn't really realize until I looked at my picture that the crotch of my pants is drooping! Guess I need some smaller pants!

All I want is a fill!

I went in on Friday to the hospital at the crack of dawn. I had to be there at 8 (it is about an hour drive and traffic is bad so I left around 6:30). I got in to radiology quickly and Dr. Katz was there shortly after. He had trouble accessing my port in his office so he scheduled me for my fill under fluoro. I figured no problem... he will get in and out quickly and I will go on with my day.

I could see the screen and was watching each attempt to access my port.... 10 in total. I could see the port shifting each time he got close. After the tenth time, Dr. Katz looks at me and say," Anna, it looks like your port has flipped on its side, I can't get to it, do you understand what I am saying?." Of course I know what he is saying. I need a port repair. So, he scheduled me for surgery next Friday. Are you freak'n kidding me?! Eight weeks out and already another surgery.

I am told it isn't a very invasive procedure. He will just re-open my incision and tack the port back to where it should be. I am very disappointed though. To add to all this, my parents were in town. They are a bad influence. I spent a good part of the weekend eating crap. I was angry about my port and threw caution to the wind.

I weighed myself today and I haven't gained an ounce but still... I did myself no favors. I need to get back on track today, work-out, eat good. I have come so far on my own, I can continue a little while longer.

8 weeks exactly today

I am 8 weeks out from surgery today. I am so happy with all the things I have already gained and the weight I have already lost. I did weigh myself this morning, though it wasn't my official weigh day. I planned on weighing myself tomorrow morning to see if I made my next goal, but instead did it today. I am happy to say I have made that goal. I was down to 224lbs this morning. I lost 2.2 lbs in less than one week. This makes for a grand total of 35 lbs down in 9 weeks (including my pre-op diet). I am thrilled with this loss and hope to keep up the pace. I can't wait to get in the 21_ number range, and I am starting to feel the excitement of being under 200 lbs. I am hoping to get there by Christmas but that is a hefty goal.

Anyway, I feel so much better about myself. I work out every day, eat healthy, and am enjoying the life I am living. I have my moments of not-so-good, but the majority of the time I am proud of the journey I am on. I don't deprive myself, I don't feel like an outcast, and I feel normal. All in all, these have been 8 great weeks.

Thank GOD I got Monday out of the way!

I worked both Saturday and Sunday this past weekend and feel like I haven't had a break! I work full time so when I add an additional weekend day in it makes for a long week. The good news is I ate really well all weekend. I didn't have much time to screw around so I stayed on the straight and narrow. Thursday is my birthday and the impending visit from my parents have me thinking about eating off track.

This is where things get a little scary for me. I want to be able to relax and enjoy good food once and a while without stressing. I don't want to feel guilty, and I don't want to have unrealistic expectations. Sounds like the my appointment with the therapist tomorrow is just in time.

Fill scheduled

I am the one in green, and those are my wonderful parents, and my sister.




Yesterday I was at the grocery store when I got the call from my doctor's office. They were finally able to schedule me for my fluoro fill next Friday the 30th. Thank God! I need some back-up here, and my empty band just ain't doing it!



Wednesday my parents are coming to stay with us (they live 8 hours away) until that Saturday. Now, part of my weight problem came from those two fabulous people and I worry how things will go when they are in town. This same topic seems to be coming up on many of the LB blogs lately. I don't think my parents intentionally sabotage, but yet they do still sabotage. Add into this equation that Thursday is my birthday and you have the makings of a disaster!



Friday I will have to be on liquids all day, so that will save me some calories, and Thursday I work late, so that helps as well. But that still leaves the rest of the time. I have a plan, now all I need to do is follow it!

Friday Weigh In

Another 2.8 lbs down this week! I am at a grand total of 32.8 lbs down! I am getting there!

Happy Friday all!!

Therapy Session

Today I went to my weekly therapy session. I love these sessions. I really like my therapist and I feel like I really make great strides each visit. I feel like really getting to know myself is what is making the difference this time. I obviously have very strong feelings about food and there are reasons behind those feelings.

I am learning to cope with my new lifestyle and to treat myself with the respect I deserve. The largest challenge is learning to forgive myself for not being perfect. I need to still be able to be me and be healthy and moderate. I am impulsive and passionate by nature so tempering these wild sides takes work, and I don't want to deny them completely. My therapist has helped me to understand that there was never anything wrong with "me". Th problem only lies in how I handle my feelings.


Anyway... all is well... tomorrow is weigh in. Still no news on my fill appointment (grumble).

Today I am exactly 7 weeks post-op and still no fill

I haven't heard back from the doctor's office yet about the date for my fluoro fill. I am annoyed. I was looking forward to this fill to refill my fear/motivation meter. I know I probably won't have any more restriction but that still doesn't mean I won't have serious fear of getting stuck and pbing. That keeps me on track perfectly for at least a few weeks.

I did get up this morning at 6 am to work out before work. It felt so good to get it over with before work instead of having to think about doing it after work. It was 45 minutes of step aerobics and I had a giant sweat ring around my neck when I was done. I will probably take the dog for a nice long walk when I get home because the weather is amazing here today.

My fill= zero fill

So I went in for my first fill today. The whole experience was a bit rough. My appointment was at 9:45 but the doctor had a last minute schedule change and was going to be out of town this Friday so he double booked today. I didn't get in the exam room until 11. Then he attempted to fill me not once, not twice, but three times with no luck. It was sort of painful but mostly disappointing because I need to get started with these fills.

He was very apologetic and it was fine but now I have to wait for the nurse to call me and reschedule at the hospital so it can be done under fluro. I had to go straight to work after my appointment so I brought my lunch with me this morning. Of course I was planning on liquids so that is what I brought. Since there was no fill there was no need for liquids. So I stopped at the store and scrounged together some stuff for lunch. Blah.... an overall sucky appointment.

The weekend is over, now back to the grind

First I am starting off with a picture of Ike our wonderful Pit Bull/Boxer. He is the perfect start to a Monday!

Mondays are always a very busy day for me at work. It is good because I don't have any time to sit around and think about eating. Lately I am starving. My zero restriction is really getting to me. I am SO excited to go in for my first fill tomorrow!

In other news, it looks like it is going to be a very beautiful fall day here in Michigan. I will be sure to get out and give the dog a nice long walk again today. We took him for a couple miles yesterday but he gets tired and wants to lay down. I understand how he feels! Apparently Pit Bulls are not made for distance but for strength.

Lastly, I am really pushing to make my next goal of 225 by 10/29. I fear I may not do it! That is only one week from Thursday. I plan to give it my all though.

I drank and entire bottle of wine

and I enjoyed it. I also had homemade mac n' cheese, a little turkey burger, sweet potato soup, banana bread, and chocolate cake. Though all these things I had in very small amounts. This was the first "bad" indulge I have had since my banding. But you know what, I don't even feel bad about it. I walked five miles yesterday and took a kick boxing class today. I am back at it whole hog today. I had a really great time with my friends and I have zero guilt because this is my life, not a diet. How liberating!

Goodbye Forever 230's

I weighed myself this morning and have hit the 30 lb down mark. I lost 2.4 lbs this week! I am so excited to be 229 and no longer in the 230's!! Woohoo!! Can't wait to be in the 210's!

Happy Friday!

Vitamin Water 10 XXX is my new lover

I freak'n love Vitamin Water 10 XXX. It tastes SOOOOOOOO good. If you drink the entire bottle it is 25 calories but o so worth it. I try to limit myself to one per day but man... I love that stuff. I am working until 9 tonight and on the reference desk working with the public until close so I needed something to keep me awake and motivated, the XXX will do the trick.

Today I had my weekly visit with the therapist. I live him very much. He really appreciates where I am coming from and makes me feel like all my feelings are important. I always feel better when I leave there. So, I was feeling good when I left and decided I would go to Whole Foods on my way home and pick up some groceries. I decided I would get a rotisserie chicken and pull it all apart so I could eat it for lunch and dinner and the same the next day.

When I got home I pulled it apart, measured it out into servings and put it in the fridge. I had a couple hours before work and wanted to get in at least a half an hour work-out in. By the time I had worked out, showered, and gotten dressed for work I was running late. I needed to eat lunch so I pulled out a serving of chicken and started eating it. I haven't had any issues at all with not chewing well enough or anything else really.... until today's chicken. I was eating fast, not chewing well, and the chicken wasn't "wet" enough. I had three of four bites and then STUCK. It hurt so bad. It didn't take too long to pass (maybe 20 minutes) but oww the misery. I decided to add some gravy to the rest of my chicken and take it for dinner. I ate a Greek yogurt and some cheese once I got to work and all was fine.

Lesson learned, chew and take my time.

Sick, and the count down to my first fill

Yesterday I called in sick. I actually left work an hour early on Monday with a really sore throat. I figured I was just tired and would feel better by morning. Well when yesterday morning rolled around I did not feel better, I felt much much worse. So, I sucked it up and saw my doctor. I have an ear infection and was given some good antibiotics. I feel better today but still have a sore throat. Funny thing is, my ear never really hurt.

When I get sick I always want McDonald's. Those salty fries feel so good on my sore throat. I did not give in, and instead ate healthy and felt good about it. I even cooked myself lunch so I didn't settle for something less filling.

I have also officially gone down a size in my True Fit jeans. I have the same trouser jeans is 3, 4, and 5 red. I bought them as I was getting fatter, not as I was losing weight. Well, I started out in a tight 5 and am now in the 4s. They are still snug but the 5 was just ridiculous and huge. I haven't changed sizes in anything else yet, but this is still exciting.

I have six days until my first fill. I can't wait. I also get to start incorporating grain products on October 28th. I am feeling limited with my food right now and am looking forward to a change.

Happy Hump Day!

Weekend Report (AKA Weekend Confession)

I had a really great weekend. It was so much fun and I enjoyed spending time with my husband and my friends. I also enjoyed the eating part a little too much. Friday night my husband and I went bowling, we haven't been bowling in forever and it felt like a fun little high school date. He got a few beers and I considered getting a glass of wine but felt like I could do with out... and seriously.. who drinks wine at a bowling alley!

Saturday I worked and Jason (my husband) and I had planned to go out to dinner. I had already had some ideas where I wanted to go and had looked at menus so I could feel confident about my dinner. Well as soon as I got to work my friend Kim asked me to go to lunch with her. Of course I said yes and she let me pick due to my dietary restrictions. I ended up getting a small bowl of white chicken and bean chili.

Right before I left work my husband called and said we had been invited to go out to dinner with another couple. We decided on middle eastern food. So... I had good intentions, but when we actually got to the restaurant all those intentions fell to the wayside. My husband and I shared a meal. We ordered chicken kabobs with grilled veggies and a side of hummus. It also came with lentil soup, my favorite! I ate the lentil soup, then ate chicken drowning in hummus and garlic sauce and a bunch of veggies dipped in hummus and garlic sauce. In reality, this is good healthy food. There is some olive oil involved but chicken and hummus and lentils and veggies are good stuff. I just ate too much. I am not really sure how much... I am guessing a couple cups all together. I felt slightly guilty about this but got over it.
Friday I had worked out a lot and planned to do a good hard run on Sunday as well.

Sunday I slept in until almost 10 am. It was amazing. It felt so good. I got out of bed, got on my workout clothes, and hit the treadmill. I jogged for about 30 minutes and decided to follow it up with some kick boxing. I felt good about this and ate a really healthy practical lunch. My husband is a teacher and had lots of planning to do for the week so he was busy all day. I didn't feel like cooking, I cook every night, and we needed some groceries. I suggested we go to Plum Market ( a smaller cuter Whole Foods) and pick something up. Well, they have the most amazing hot bar. It is HUGE. I had been craving Indian food and they had a whole delicious section of the hot bar dedicated to Indian fare. So I picked up the little take-out box and put in a scoop of two different kinds of chicken, a chick pea dish, and couple small potatoes and carrots. It tasted incredible.

I don't really think I ate that bad, it is just the fact that I don't know how bad. Plus this Saturday we have a party. A group of couples and us do this monthly dinner party taking turns hosting. I know it will be amazing food and drink. Guess I will just have to exercise some more!

The weekend is always scary

I love the weekend, but I also dread the weekend. I feel like my eating is a little more out of control on the weekends because we go out to eat, have dinner with friends, or are just too busy to eat at home.

I am working today so I packed myself a good healthy meal for lunch. This always makes me feel better. Well, I got to work and one of my very good friends and co-worker asked me to go to lunch. My biggest issue with the Lap Band was that I wanted to maintain a normal life and not avoid social situations like I used to when I was on diets. I know that is not healthy and not sustainable. So, of course, I said yes. She told me I could pick the place since I still have dietary restrictions.

I picked a place, looked at the menu online, and decided on what I am going to eat. The problem is is that there are lots of really appealing things on the menu that I would love to eat but those would not be the best choices. I hope I can just stand firm on my food choice (white chicken bean chili).

Second problem is that my husband and I are going out to eat with another couple tonight. That means two meals out in one day. I may also drink. I can say that I won't but it all depends on how I am feeling at that time. I may want to indulge a bit. I have not indulged at all since my surgery (going on six weeks) and I want to live a little. Of course this is a dangerous path to walk. I don't want to get carried away, but I do want to live a little.

TGIF

I love Friday, especially when I don't work (like today). I have a doctors appointment this morning at 9:30 so I wanted to get my workout in before that. Anyway, today is weight in day and I am down another 2.8 lbs. I have also made it to my first 10%. So, now I am down a total of 27.4. My next goal is to get down to 225 lbs by my birthday on October 29th. That means I need to lose to 6.6 lbs get there.

Happy Friday all!

Mopey today

So, last March I had surgery to have a pilonial cyst excised. Let me tell you... this was by far the most miserable and painful thing I have ever experienced. The procedure was about 4 hours long and it left me with an open wound 4 inches deep and 6 inches long. Did I mention that pilonidal cysts are right around your tailbone? So, for the past 8 months my husband has had to pack this open wound with damp gauze. In the beginning it took an entire roll stuffed in the open wound. Over time the wound got smaller and smaller, however, I had it reopened a few times because it was not healing correctly.

I was off work for six weeks and had a visiting nurse for two months. It was terrible. However, living with the cyst wasn't possible either. It would continually abscess, I would spike high fevers and get very ill. The cyst grew little "roots" through out my skin and was getting bigger and bigger.

Today I went it for my last follow-up with my surgeon. It is entirely closed but still continues to be pretty painful. I had talked to her about this earlier on in the healing process and she explained that this was due to all the sensitive new tissue and new nerves growing in. So, I figured no big deal. Well when I saw her today she explained that there was a new problem and the reason I am in so much pain is because of the way the wound healed.

Unfortunately my new tissue connected, in parts, the entire with of the wound without leaving a "butt crack". Now every time I sit those bands of tissue stretch and pull and it is very painful. She said there is nothing I can do now and that it just needs to stretch and settle but that I will need reconstructive surgery 2-3 years down the road.

This makes me very sad. I just wanted to be done with this, the pain to end, and to never have to have ass surgery again. Grrr...

Tomorrow I see my PCP just for a general post- Lap Band follow up. Hopefully she doesn't have anything crappy to tell me.

Counting down the days

I am counting down the days until my first fill. It is 13 days, or one week from next Tuesday. Even though I don't expect good restriction from my first fill, I still want to get started. I could eat anything I want right now in pretty much any amount. I haven't really tried to push my limits but I know my weight loss right now is solely based on self control.

My surgeon is very conservative (which I love) so my first fill will be 7 weeks post op. I have decided that I want to be one of those liberally restricted people. I want to be able to eat anything in small amounts. I do not want to feel as though there are some things I just can't eat. I also want to be able to eat "food" before noon.

I guess I can wait a couple more weeks. I will just have to work to stay on the straight and narrow!

Six Years Ago

A little over six years ago I got married. I just happened to pick up my wedding album today and look at some pictures. The day I got married I weighed 155lbs. Today I weigh somewhere around 236lbs. It wasn't easy for me to get to 155. I remember starting weight watchers at 186lbs (a weight I would kill for today). I struggled with my hunger and desire to eat but pushed through and made it down to 138lbs, as I tried to maintain I slowly creeped back up. I was happy with my weight on my wedding day. I think I look healthy and happy.

155 didn't stay around long. I slowly creaped back up to 186, then on to 195. I stayed around that for a while but was always on some diet. Now all I want is to be healthy and maintain a good weight. Ideally I would like to be 135, a weight I haven't been since I was 16, and I was only there for a very brief time. I am 5'4" and can hold a little more weight, but I would also like some wiggle room. I would like to be +5/-5 within 135, but if I never make it past 155, I would be happy.