Monday, December 10, 2012

The Ole Diet

I lost about 7 lbs after my first week on an official "diet".  I had a few bumps in the road over the weekend but am back at it again today.  I am counting down the days until my Christmas vacation.  I have 9 days of work left (some weekends in between) and I can't wait.  I do, however, worry about my eating during the holidays.  My current diet plan is to drop some weight so that I don't have to worry about gaining a big chunk during my vacation.  I know we will be going to a lot of parties, having family over, and all around living on an irregular schedule. 

I wish eating was easier for me.  I wish it wasn't always a struggle and something on my mind.  I know I am in the home stretch before my surgery and things will be easier then.  I also can't fool myself.  I know it will still be a struggle.

I have been baking a ton, but not really eating any.  It is full blown Christmas prep at our house with gifts being wrapped, decorations going up and so on.  I am not huge Christmas person, but I am trying to really dig in this year.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Mental Satisfaction verses Physical Satistifaction

My husband and I went out to eat on Saturday night.  I had worked all day and I was tired and didn't want to deal with dinner.  I am trying really hard to stick to this diet (and have done top notch for the past 5 days).  I was feeling confident that I could make good choices... I was on my third day and figured I was over most of my cravings and had been very dedicated thus far.  I have been eating a lot of chicken and figured it would be a good choice to get fish.  I don't like fish, but I don't hate it either.  I won't eat it at home because of the smell so this was a good time to eat this healthy protein.  I made my mind up before I went, I would get the fish broiled with grilled zucchini and green beans.  I will drink water.

Once I got inside the restaurant and was waiting for my husband to meet me the challenge began.  I looked at all the other things on the menu I would rather have.  I started making bargains with myself.  I could have the fish but then I could get a salad with ranch... and maybe a baked potato.  Then the waitress dropped off bread.  It smelled so good.  I was not going to eat the bread... but I really wanted the bread.  My husband finally showed up and I started telling him how much I was struggling.  He decided to order a beer and asked what was on draft... the waitress rattled off a list and I heard her say, "Angry Orchard", which is my favorite hard cider.  By this point my head is spinning.  I don't want the damn fish, I want a burger with cheese and mayo and fries.  Finally the waitress comes back to take our order.  I order the fish, with the beans and grilled zucchini.  I have water.  To my husbands credit he also got fish with rice (I am sure he wanted something else).  I eat my fish pissed the entire time that I have to have fish because I am fat.  I hate my life, I am pouting.  I want the bread.  I finish and push my plate and take one little bite of the bread.  Victory is mine.  But I am still pissed.  I smash the rest of the bread into a million little pieces and rub it in the gross fish juice on my plate... I feel a little better.  I am physically satisfied but all I can think about is the food I didn't have.

I thought about this again this morning while I was getting read for work.  I know that now that I followed through and ordered what I planned it will be a little easier next time but for the love of God... Why am I so crazy in the head.  It is only food, but to me it is like crack.  It has never stopped being crack, and probably won't ever stop.  This just proves how important a tool is to me... but also proves that I must be in control of how I use it.  I do know one thing... when I had my Lap Band, I did not have the feverish, eat my arm off plus everything else in the world feeling that I have now.  Baratric surgery just levels the playing field between me and food.  It gives me the home court advantage, if you will.

In other news... after five days of smart healthy eating, I am down about 5 lbs.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Dieting During The Holidays... A Bad Idea

I would like to drop 15 or so pounds in the next month.  My thought being, I will probably gain some weight with the holidays, and I just can't see the scale go up anymore.  So, I am counting calories, and it sucks.  It seemed like a good idea, until I realized this might be the worst possible time to go on a diet.  But, I am on my third day and am feeling okay.

It is amazing how much my band helped me even though it was malfunctioning.  And if I am honest, it helped me be a bulimic a good chunk of the time.. but now I can really eat a lot again.  I have had success (short term) with diets in the past and I should be able to suck it up for a month.  Even if I only come out 5 lbs a head, I would be thrilled.

I am officially in my last month of supervised diet!  Hopefully I will have a surgery date by this time next month.  I am so looking forward to the new year!~

Monday, November 19, 2012

I am fat and why being honest is important

I have been reading blogs regularly, even though I haven't done much posting.  Not only do I not have very much to post about.. but I also don't really feel like it.  I am in a state of waiting.  I am nearing my last month of supervised "diet" and can only think about making it to the operating table.  I have gained a lot of weight, about 70 lbs in total since my lowest loss.  I am about 20 lbs shy from my highest weight.  I am sad to be back here.

Last night my husband was asking me about having some (of his) co-workers over this Friday night.  These are people I haven't seen for some time, and people I have always felt very judged by.  I told him I would rather he go out with them than bring them to our house.  He couldn't figure out why I didn't want them over and he kept pushing the issue.  I finally broke down, and through tears, explained that I don't want to see these people right now.  I know they will wonder what happened to me since the last time they saw me, when I was 70 lbs less fat.  Obviously, I don't think anyone would say anything to me... but I do know they would all wonder.  I also suspect they would talk about it when my husband or I weren't around.  I can't take that judgement right now.  My husband has been very kind through this all and I really believe he still thinks I am beautiful, but he also doesn't understand.

My surgery story is strange in the way that I have been very open with my friends, most of my co-workers, and my close family.  However, there are a lot of people I haven't told and I don't feel like I have to tell.  To those who have no idea what I went through... I am sure it makes them wonder.  And mostly, I don't care.  However, I have never felt comfortable around this group of people, and now, I don't feel comfortable around anyone.. in fact I don't feel comfortable with myself.  It doesn't help that a random library patron asked me, "what happened, you must have gained at least 60 lbs".

I decided I needed to write this blog today because I know there are others out there who are struggling.. others who feel like the Lap Band was just another failed diet and are hoping there is a successful future for themselves.  I also want you to know, that without my Lap Band, I have gained 70 lbs... the last 40 in less than 6 months.  But I am extremely hopeful that not only will I succeed with my sleeve, but do much better than I did with my band.  My band adventure was bumpy from the start... I am hoping this will be much more smooth sailing!

I went from this:

To this: (I am the one on the bottom right, obviously)

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

I am 31, that is all.

I turned 31 yesterday.  I had an excellent weekend with my husband, we went out of town to celebrate.  Today... I am in that dreaded, tired of waiting mood.  I had my psych eval yesterday (a good way to spend a birthday).  This is the second evaluation I have had (obviously one for the Lap Band and one now).  I saw a different doctor this time than I did the first and she was outraged that I have had to go through all this just for a revision.  I appreciate her anger at the system.. but I also getting tired of this reaction from doctors.  I feel like saying, "then do something about it."

I think I am pretty much set to go... other than finishing up my stupid "diet".  My last weigh in will be the first week of January.  Hopefully my surgery will be shortly after that.  My surgeon is eager to get this done.  So am I.  It seems like lately so many people on the blogs have been having their revisions.  I am jealous.  I am tired of waiting... tired of being out of breath and hating myself in my clothes.  I want to feel the way I did when I was having success with my Lap Band.  I was excited to get dressed, try new clothes on, and get out and do things.

I feel like all I do is whine about waiting... and I know a couple of months isn't very long.  I know I am lucky my insurance will even cover another surgery.  I try to remind myself that as much as possible.  However, right now, waiting sucks.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

The Un-Diet

I am in my forth month of my un-diet (my insurance required diet that I am not losing weight on).  I will be having my sleeve surgery in January and it can't come soon enough.  Fall and winter are going to be miserable because I don't have any cold weather clothes that fit.  My co-workers are seeing a lot of repeat outfits.  I need to make a trip to the thrift store.  I also hate being fat again.  I am trying not to, but I do.

I just got my packet from my insurance coordinator and I have to schedule my psych eval.  I can't believe I have to do all the BS again.  I am not bitter at all.  I also have to have my PCP write me a letter of support.  The last go-around, when I had my Lap-Band placed, was a nightmare.  My PCP refused to write the letter.  She made me jump through all these hoops and would never sign off on it.  My surgeon finally just gave the go-ahead without it.  This time around I have a different PCP, who is fantastic, and is very excited for my sleeve.  At least that is much easier this time.

My 31st Birthday is this month and I am hoping that my 32nd Birthday will be one of great weight loss success unlike this years big weight gain.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Woulda Been 3 Year Bandiversary

I am one week and one day past my Lap Band placement 3 years ago.  I haven't blogged much in the past oww... 9 months.  Honestly, I didn't have much to say.  I had been struggling so much with my band (which had slipped) and was trying to figure out what to do next.  Once I found out I could only have my band out and not convert to another surgery at that time.... I was upset.  I knew what would happen next.  I knew I would gain weight.

I have gained weight... a lot of weight.  I am not back to my original weight... but I am only about 30 lbs shy.  I realized very quickly how much the restriction of my Lap Band really did help me.  I also realized how easy it was to fall back into bad habits. 

The good news for me, is that I will have another surgery.  I will be having the sleeve procedure in December or January.  However, I had to start all over as if I never had a weight loss procedure.  My insurance required a BMI of 40 or higher.  I was at a 34 BMI when I had my band removed July 2nd.  So, I had to gain weight... and the more quickly the better.  You would think this would be a food addicts dream, but man it has been tough.  The actual gaining and eating has been easy... but the continuing to love myself part has been hard.  I also have to do a "6 month diet" which was a requirement when I had my Lap Band surgery.  So my diet started in June, however I am not if that month can be counted... so it may have been officially July.

Obviously, this all a bunch of ridiculous BS insurance poop pile.  That aside, it has been a learning experience.  I don't want to waste the 6 months between surgeries hating myself or hiding from the outside world.  I don't want to think about how much happier I will be once the weight is gone.  I don't want to feel fat and ugly.  So I am really working at being the best me I can be at my current weight... and you know what... for the most part I am.  Now, this isn't really a fair test of my self esteem because I am sure it is always in the back of my head that I will be losing weight again soon.  But, I do think back to when I was in my Lap Band prime and rocking a size 10.. now I am back into a women's 16.. and I can rock that size too.

The worst part has been having to buy new clothes in bigger sizes.  I hate that... but shopping is shopping.  I feel like this time around being "fat" is just a part of me and not me entirely... however, if you told me I couldn't have the sleeve procedure I would be devastated.  I still feel tired, unhealthy and sore.  I want to be able to do things I could do so much more easily at 165 lbs.  I also want to wear some of my favorite clothes again. 

I do think about what other people think.  A lot of people know I had surgery, some know I had my band removed, others may not.  Some know I will have another surgery, others have no idea.  I know they wonder what happened.  I know people who didn't know about my Lap Band must wonder how I lost all that weight and have now gained it back.  But the people who care about me... it doesn't matter to them and the people who do judge... they don't matter to me.  But it is hard to not let it matter.

The lesson here is:  I refuse to hate my size.  I will continue to be me big or small.  I just hope to be at a healthy weight again soon.

Monday, August 6, 2012

I feel fat.

So... to qualify for my sleeve I have to go through the same insurance requirements I did with my original Lap Band surgery.  I am not even going to get started on my rant of how ridiculous this is and how I am required to gain oww... 30 lbs so that I can revise because me band FAILED.  Anyway... I have gained about 15 lbs.  I feel fat and am starting to hate living in my body again.  I keep telling myself it is short term and will lead to long term success.  I do not plan on actually gaining anymore weight but instead wearing really heavy clothes and such when I weigh in.  I am pissed about the whole thing and everyone at my surgeons office agrees that this is complete bull, but again... the whole insurance system is a cluster...  Also, at five weeks out it has been only too easy to average a 3 lbs a week gain.  Mind you I have used very little good choice making because I know I have to gain weight and I figured I might as well enjoy it.  But.. it makes me sad too. 

At one point with my band I was 6 lbs shy of 100 lbs down.  Now that didn't last long and I gained a good 15 back and lived at that weight for a while until I started having slip trouble which led to many complete unfils and weight gain.  But through it all, I kept a good 65 lbs off.  Until I am at the 50 lbs down mark and I don't want to slide any farther back.  Without my band I feel like I am back to pre-band life.  I am hungry a lot.  I also feel slightly angry and eat out of anger.  Thank God I will be able to get the sleeve, even after all this bullshit.  I can't imagine living life like this long term.  I am so sorry to those who have gone through this and have no option to revise.  I am jealous of those who have been able to convert right from the band removal.  None-the-less, I do believe I will have success again.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Post Op Visit with Surgeon

Friday I had my post op visit with my surgeon.  All was well and he pretty much said I could go back to normal life.  I am still a little tender on my incisions where they rub against the waist of my pants but that is all.  We discussed where we go from here and I will be having the sleeve in December.  My insurance is a little bitch and requires me to do 6 months of dieting before my revision.  Seriously... I couldn't do it before the band... I won't be able to do it now.. but whatever.  However, I shouldn't loose any weight (you know that BS), so I am on the maintenance track.

It is good in the way that I will not have to take time off of work because I already have 3 weeks of vacation.  Since I started at my current place of employment (5 years ago) I have had 4 surgeries.  One of which I was off work for 2.5 months.  I am really pushing my luck here, though they have been very good.  I am also a little relieved that I have time to let my stomach rest a little. 

On the eating from... I can't say I can tell much of a difference on the hunger front.  My band really never did stop my hunger.  I can tell a big difference in volume.  I can eat a lot... without chewing.  I have had a lot of sandwiches in the past couple weeks.  I have also had Chinese food (not as good as I remembered) and a burger and fries (better than I remembered).  I am eating lots of raw fruits and vegetables which I ate very few of during my banding because they gave me trouble.  I am hopeful that the sleeve will allow me to continue eating the raw fruits and veggies because it is great for my body and soul.  :)

Right now I am just focusing on living me life.  Seems there are more folks in blog land talking about sleeve conversions, it is funny how things seem to trend.

Take care all!

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Life without a band

Since having my Lap Band out I have been in pain.  My incisions are sore, but mostly, an incision in my belly button (why in the hell would anyone ever poke in there?!) is really uncomfortable.  I feel like everything is falling out my belly button... like my organs aren't attached and are trying to squeeze themselves out.  I can honestly say I turned the corner yesterday and really started to feel better.  My tummy still hurts, but nothing I can't tolerate.

I have no pain while eating and can eat whatever.  I ate a cheeseburger today with a bun.  It was great.  The strange thing with eating is that I have made mostly really good choices and I really only have been eating 2 meals a day because I am staying full for a long time.  I am sure this has something to do with swelling and healing going on but it has been nice.  I have actually dropped a couple pounds.  The is whole experience has been very introspective.  Firstly, the fact that I needed this little contraption to make me stop eating is incredible.  I was willing to sacrifice a lot for that.  I also think the band didn't work well for me since the beginning.  Sure I lost weight, but it never felt like I was eating right or naturally.  It also makes me a little sad that I know my journey is far from over and though I would like to believe this has changed me... I know it probably hasn't.  I am reflecting on what I feel about the future knowing the sleeve is the next stop.

I am ready, but so not ready.  I am not ready for another surgery, recovery, physiological change, and so on.  I am ready to be healthy.  For now I am just working on the healing and work on the future on Friday when I see my surgeon.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

I survived, my band was not so lucky

I had my band removed on Monday.  My surgeon said there was so much scar tissue and a pretty serious slip, he would have never been able to reband me even if that was the plan.  I am much much more sore than I was with my original surgery.  I came home yesterday and spent a lot of the day sleeping.  The drugs are keeping me sane at this point. 

I was not put on any post op diet and this has been the best part.  I ate chicken and rice last night and fruit salad.  It was amazing.  I forgot what it was like to eat real healthy food without wondering when I would puke. 

I go back to my surgeon a week from Friday to get started on the plan for part 2: The Sleeve.  He thinks it shouldn't be too hard to get it approved after seeing what a mess my band left.  Here's hoping.  The crappy part is that I will have to have another surgery and another recovery and take more time off of work.  Hopefully this will be my last weight loss surgery!

Happy July 4th all!!  I am feeling some serious independence today... from the satan's trap that was living inside me.  :)

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Monday at 9:45

I will be having my Lap Band removed forever.  Originally I had planned to have my Lap Band replaced, but after much discomfort and a long talk with my surgeon, it has been decided that keeping the band just isn't a good call for me.  My surgeons feel that I am only prolonging the issues and that 3 months, 6 months, or a year down the road, I will be right back here.  Let me say... I am releaved.  I have had such a bad year and a half with my band.  I am tired of my new kind of disfunctional eating.  I feel like I traded one eating disorder for another.

The new plan... get me the sleeve.  My surgeon is working on an appeal currently and he is confident we can make this happen.  It is just going to take a little time.  Though it is not ideal to have another surgery... I think it is better than trying to make the band work.  I am very much looking forward to Monday and putting this all behind me.  Hopefully my next surgery will be the begining of a very successful bariatric lifestyle. 

To those whom are working their bands, I wish it could have been me... but I am very happy for you!

Monday, June 25, 2012

One More Week

One more week with my slip.  A week from today I will have my Lap Band taken out and a new one put in (hopefully).  There is a chance it could be such a mess that I won't be able to get a new band.  If that is the case... I don't know what I will do. 

Anyway, I have started my pre-op diet today.  Just like last time.  Full liquids for 5 days and clear liquids for two.  Though this isn't all that different from how I have been living.. I will have to stop with milkshakes, Starbucks and ice cream.  Hopefully I can drop a few pounds this week and get a jump start on things.

I am still so sad I was not able to revise to the sleeve.  However, I will make the best of my new band.  At one time I was not too far from 100 lbs lost.  Maybe I can actually make it to that 100 lb mark now.

Take care...

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Surgery Date

I have a surgery date... one week from Monday.  Cheers to that. 

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Put A Fork In Me

It is nearing 5 weeks since my slip was diagnosed.  I still can't eat food.  I puke a lot and have acid reflux pretty much always.  I puked on myself in my sleep the other night.  I am tired of calling the insurance office and advocating for myself with my doctors office.  I have decided I am just going ahead to get a new band.  My plan is to start saving up to self pay for a conversion down the road. 

In the mean time, I need a band to at least maintain my weight loss and hopefully lose more.  If for some reason my surgeon is unable to reband me.... I am screwed.  But at this point I am just willing to deal with what I am dealt. 

I still don't believe my insurance coordinator did what she was supposed to.  I still believe my insurance would cover the sleeve... but I don't have the energy to continue down puke road.

Happy Tuesday all!

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The Squeaky Wheel Gets The Grease

People keep telling me I need to make sure I am being heard and stay on top of things to make sure I am a priority... well I have been trying... but it doesn't come naturally to me to be "persistent/insistent".  Well... today I had enough.

I called my insurance company today to see if they got the paper work that was sent last week. They told me there is nothing in my file yet and that it would only be updated once the appeal was evaluated. I asked how long it would take... they said 30 days from receipt. I asked how I would know if it was ever received.. they said I wouldn't and my dr's office would have to follow-up.

I hung up and called Sue (the insurance person assigned to my case at the surgeon's office). She told me it is sent to a p.o. box and it takes 3-4 weeks for the insurance company to even get it. She told me not to bother calling until the 6 weeks was up. I was pissed.

I got off the phone and called the insurance company back. I talked to someone who was extremely nice (and actually took pity on me) and explained that my doctor's office is not properly advocating. She told me there was very little she could do but she would put me on hold and try to get me through to the executive  office. She did... they told me the doctor's office should have filed an urgent appeal that takes 72 HOURS from receipt to be reviewed.

It is now 3 weeks past my upper GI. The paperwork was sent on Friday. I am pissed so I called Kelly (one of the account gals at my insurance office).  I trust her, and though this isn't her department, I thought she could help. I explained that I was calling her because I trusted her and I am frustrated.  She was horrified.  She said this is totally being mismanaged and told me she would transfer me to the office manager. She was already gone, but Kelly assured me she would make sure she called me back right away tomorrow morning. I left a message explaining the situation. I feel like I might actually make some progress.

In other news, I puked 2 times today.  I read CJ's post about choosing Lap Band and if it was a good decision.  I have been thinking about this all day.  And even though I hate my band... and probably would have never chose it if I had a better option, I still think I made the best decision at the time.  I am not sure I would ever suggest the band to anyone though.

Monday, June 11, 2012

The insurance company makes my life miserable.

I am so frustrated with my surgeon's office and my insurance company.  My insurance company doesn't traditionally do pre authorizations.  They give the criteria and you either meet it or not.  Somehow my surgeon's office is having issues determining the wording of the criteria and if I do indeed meet it.  So... in this case the insurance company will do a review and pre authorize.  However... it takes 6-8 weeks (or so they say). 

First issues, the girl handling my insurance claim at the surgeon's office is not very helpful.  She keeps telling me it will take 6-8 weeks and that there is nothing she can do.  However, when I call the insurance company the customer service folks tell me she should be able to plead with provider services to expedite the situation.  She says this isn't true.  I am not able to contact provider services before it is only for providers.  This is all a pile of BS.  It has been 3 weeks since my Upper GI... and this is when my insurance information was sent in (why did it take her so long)?! 

Mind you, I am pretty much on full liquids and nothing else.  I puke a lot.. and have heartburn.  All of this the surgeon's office is aware of.  I called my insurance company today to see if they received the paperwork and they didn't have it on file yet... however she told me it is 30 days not 6-8 weeks.


Tuesday, June 5, 2012

A little jerk around

I met with my surgeon today because I had some questions about the rebanding surgery.  We talked and he again said he would rather have me revise to the he decided to write a letter to the insurance company including all my past issues and send it in.  We will see... I would feel better with a revision, and I need to know I did everything to make the best option happen.  Again, I am in the waiting game.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Banded For Life

I guess I won't be getting away from my band easily.  My surgeon wants to reband me instead of revision.  I am not excited, but I am okay with it.  He feels like I was originally very successful and that I can find that success again.  He did promise I could have the sleeve if this band doesn't work out.  I should have my surgery date soon... I am hoping for 2 weeks from today.  Here's to having the success I had for the first year and a half once again!

Thursday, May 31, 2012

The Irony of My Life

I am still at the no new news point of my day.  I have been in contact off and on with my surgeons office, my surgeon, and my insurance company.  Tomorrow I am going to get my letter of surgical support from my primary.  I feel like I am back at day one of Lap Band surgery.  I also have to have another psych eval.... what if I don't pass?!  Are they going to refuse to take out my band... so stupid. 

Anyway, I am stuck in a place of no one being able to give me the answers I need.  I am not sure if my insurance is actually going to cover the Sleeve (though I have a friend who just had a sleeve revision after her band slipped at a different hospital with the same insurance as me) or if I will have to get rebanded/nobanded.  I would like to go on record and say, "my Lap Band has not been kind to me."  Sure we had one good year... but is has pretty much been downhill from there.  I am tired of this evil little monster making me miserable. 

Here is the ironic part.  My surgeon's office mentioned (without mentioning) that I might want to gain a few pounds to bring my BMI up.  I can only have liquids.  I had a milkshake and some cheesecake (not a liquid but somewhat doable) for breakfast... got on the scale... and down 3 pounds from the last time I weighed myself.  This is the first time anyone has ever given me permission to gain weight... but I can't eat solids.. and I am actually losing weight.  Is this the universe laughing at me?!  I think so.

I am not sad or angry or even really disapointed that my band slipped.  It just wasn't in the cards for me this time.  I just would like to eat a salad. 

All you super stars keep on keepin on!

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Still waiting...

Dealing with the insurance folks at my surgeons office has been painful.  My insurance just changed their requirements May 1st and it is making things more difficult.  Hopefully tomorrow I will have the answers I am waiting for. 

Take care all!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Waiting Game

I followed up with my surgeon today at his office.  He confirmed that I will be having a revision to sleeve as soon as possible.  The only hang up at this point it my insurance.  It will cover the procedure, but they are waiting to hear back to find out what documentation they need before I can move forward.  Hopefully I am not waiting too long.  I feel like I have no energy these days.  I am tired and hungry and feel gross.  I just want to be able to eat something non-protein suppliment.  I am excited to get rid of my band and hopefully have some long term/pain-free success with the sleeve.

I have been reading all your blogs out there in blog land and I am hoping you are all well!

Friday, May 18, 2012


It's official.  I have a slipped band that can't be fixed without surgery.  I am meeting with my surgeon on Tuesday of next week to go over options based on what my insurance will cover.  I believe my insurance will cover 100% of a sleeve revision which is my plan of attack.  I will keep you all posted.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

New Day Same Shit

Last week I went back to my surgeon.  I can hardly eat anything solid... puke a lot and am miserable.  I have a Upper GI schedule for a week from tomorrow.  I am pretty sure I will learn the same thing many before me have learned... slip and band removal.  I have zero fluid in my band puke at least once a day on protein shakes and pretty much hate my life right now.  I have to be honest, I would strongly warn against the Lap Band.  So many of us have recently had serious complications leading to band removal.  I know it has worked wonders for some of you... but it has been a hard road for me.

Now I am just wondering what I will do.. I am thinking revision to sleeve, but I don't know if my insurance will cover it or if I even want to go through more surgery.  I am so frustrated and disappointed.  I am tired or hurting when I try to eat squishy foods.  O well... I soldier on.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Making Good Choices

I am still struggling... a lot. I have not gone back to my doctor which is very bad. I have, however, had three very successful days full of good choices. I have come to the conclusion that I can only eat thick liquids/soft foods before dinner time. I have been having protein shakes for breakfast every morning and soup for lunch. If I try to eat something more substantial.. I get stuck and puke. Then I am starving and eat ice cream because it is the only thing I can get down. I feel like there are more and more things I can't eat.

I am not happy with my band and have been talking about other options with my husband. I feel like this just isn't the way it should be working. My doctor seems hesitant to take out any fill because he is worried I will gain weight. I am still 22 lbs up from my lowest low.

Life, however, is just life as usual. I am enjoying all other things my life has to offer. I am more concerned with health than weight at this time... thought i would like to get back down to my low.

Anyway, best to all of you!

Monday, January 9, 2012

So I haven't posted in a long time...

Because I have not been living the band dream, or doing what I am supposed to.. and as a result... I am up oww 30 lbs from my lowest. I have had a lot of trouble with my band lately (as in the last year). I have had multiple unfills and fills and vomit a lot and have repeated issues with heartburn and reflux. There is nothing wrong with my band (or so they say). I have started seeing the PA at my surgeons office and she feels it is because of the aggressive fills my surgeon does. She thinks I need to start over very slowly and work my way back to restriction.

I also know a big chunk of the problem is me. I get frustrated and force foods I shouldn't, don't take time to let my band recover.. don't do liquids when I should and so on. So... here we are again at the start over point. I am okay with that. I have spent the past six months really struggling with the loss of my husbands grandma, who was extremely important to both he and I. She was more like a mother to my husband and myself as well.

We have also been under a lot of financial stress... my husband is a teacher and it seems they are the current political target and are apparently way over paid... We have both taken pay cuts the past few years and as things get tighter I seem to let go in other parts of my life.

I don't think I have been hiding from my blog, but more so too lazy to really care. I am going to try to recommit to my blogging in hopes that is helps keep me motivated. I also wanted to keep it real here is band land. This is so not easy... even with this big help.