Monday, December 3, 2012

Mental Satisfaction verses Physical Satistifaction

My husband and I went out to eat on Saturday night.  I had worked all day and I was tired and didn't want to deal with dinner.  I am trying really hard to stick to this diet (and have done top notch for the past 5 days).  I was feeling confident that I could make good choices... I was on my third day and figured I was over most of my cravings and had been very dedicated thus far.  I have been eating a lot of chicken and figured it would be a good choice to get fish.  I don't like fish, but I don't hate it either.  I won't eat it at home because of the smell so this was a good time to eat this healthy protein.  I made my mind up before I went, I would get the fish broiled with grilled zucchini and green beans.  I will drink water.

Once I got inside the restaurant and was waiting for my husband to meet me the challenge began.  I looked at all the other things on the menu I would rather have.  I started making bargains with myself.  I could have the fish but then I could get a salad with ranch... and maybe a baked potato.  Then the waitress dropped off bread.  It smelled so good.  I was not going to eat the bread... but I really wanted the bread.  My husband finally showed up and I started telling him how much I was struggling.  He decided to order a beer and asked what was on draft... the waitress rattled off a list and I heard her say, "Angry Orchard", which is my favorite hard cider.  By this point my head is spinning.  I don't want the damn fish, I want a burger with cheese and mayo and fries.  Finally the waitress comes back to take our order.  I order the fish, with the beans and grilled zucchini.  I have water.  To my husbands credit he also got fish with rice (I am sure he wanted something else).  I eat my fish pissed the entire time that I have to have fish because I am fat.  I hate my life, I am pouting.  I want the bread.  I finish and push my plate and take one little bite of the bread.  Victory is mine.  But I am still pissed.  I smash the rest of the bread into a million little pieces and rub it in the gross fish juice on my plate... I feel a little better.  I am physically satisfied but all I can think about is the food I didn't have.

I thought about this again this morning while I was getting read for work.  I know that now that I followed through and ordered what I planned it will be a little easier next time but for the love of God... Why am I so crazy in the head.  It is only food, but to me it is like crack.  It has never stopped being crack, and probably won't ever stop.  This just proves how important a tool is to me... but also proves that I must be in control of how I use it.  I do know one thing... when I had my Lap Band, I did not have the feverish, eat my arm off plus everything else in the world feeling that I have now.  Baratric surgery just levels the playing field between me and food.  It gives me the home court advantage, if you will.

In other news... after five days of smart healthy eating, I am down about 5 lbs.


Sam said...

All I can say is congratulations on actually sticking to your original plan, because after that inner turmoil I would have surely caved, you are a supper woman and it will be easier next time!!!

Yana said...

You made me tear up.

I hate that we will always have this. Even when we think we won't.

internet hugs, I guess. it sucks.