Monday, December 10, 2012

The Ole Diet

I lost about 7 lbs after my first week on an official "diet".  I had a few bumps in the road over the weekend but am back at it again today.  I am counting down the days until my Christmas vacation.  I have 9 days of work left (some weekends in between) and I can't wait.  I do, however, worry about my eating during the holidays.  My current diet plan is to drop some weight so that I don't have to worry about gaining a big chunk during my vacation.  I know we will be going to a lot of parties, having family over, and all around living on an irregular schedule. 

I wish eating was easier for me.  I wish it wasn't always a struggle and something on my mind.  I know I am in the home stretch before my surgery and things will be easier then.  I also can't fool myself.  I know it will still be a struggle.

I have been baking a ton, but not really eating any.  It is full blown Christmas prep at our house with gifts being wrapped, decorations going up and so on.  I am not huge Christmas person, but I am trying to really dig in this year.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Mental Satisfaction verses Physical Satistifaction

My husband and I went out to eat on Saturday night.  I had worked all day and I was tired and didn't want to deal with dinner.  I am trying really hard to stick to this diet (and have done top notch for the past 5 days).  I was feeling confident that I could make good choices... I was on my third day and figured I was over most of my cravings and had been very dedicated thus far.  I have been eating a lot of chicken and figured it would be a good choice to get fish.  I don't like fish, but I don't hate it either.  I won't eat it at home because of the smell so this was a good time to eat this healthy protein.  I made my mind up before I went, I would get the fish broiled with grilled zucchini and green beans.  I will drink water.

Once I got inside the restaurant and was waiting for my husband to meet me the challenge began.  I looked at all the other things on the menu I would rather have.  I started making bargains with myself.  I could have the fish but then I could get a salad with ranch... and maybe a baked potato.  Then the waitress dropped off bread.  It smelled so good.  I was not going to eat the bread... but I really wanted the bread.  My husband finally showed up and I started telling him how much I was struggling.  He decided to order a beer and asked what was on draft... the waitress rattled off a list and I heard her say, "Angry Orchard", which is my favorite hard cider.  By this point my head is spinning.  I don't want the damn fish, I want a burger with cheese and mayo and fries.  Finally the waitress comes back to take our order.  I order the fish, with the beans and grilled zucchini.  I have water.  To my husbands credit he also got fish with rice (I am sure he wanted something else).  I eat my fish pissed the entire time that I have to have fish because I am fat.  I hate my life, I am pouting.  I want the bread.  I finish and push my plate and take one little bite of the bread.  Victory is mine.  But I am still pissed.  I smash the rest of the bread into a million little pieces and rub it in the gross fish juice on my plate... I feel a little better.  I am physically satisfied but all I can think about is the food I didn't have.

I thought about this again this morning while I was getting read for work.  I know that now that I followed through and ordered what I planned it will be a little easier next time but for the love of God... Why am I so crazy in the head.  It is only food, but to me it is like crack.  It has never stopped being crack, and probably won't ever stop.  This just proves how important a tool is to me... but also proves that I must be in control of how I use it.  I do know one thing... when I had my Lap Band, I did not have the feverish, eat my arm off plus everything else in the world feeling that I have now.  Baratric surgery just levels the playing field between me and food.  It gives me the home court advantage, if you will.

In other news... after five days of smart healthy eating, I am down about 5 lbs.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Dieting During The Holidays... A Bad Idea

I would like to drop 15 or so pounds in the next month.  My thought being, I will probably gain some weight with the holidays, and I just can't see the scale go up anymore.  So, I am counting calories, and it sucks.  It seemed like a good idea, until I realized this might be the worst possible time to go on a diet.  But, I am on my third day and am feeling okay.

It is amazing how much my band helped me even though it was malfunctioning.  And if I am honest, it helped me be a bulimic a good chunk of the time.. but now I can really eat a lot again.  I have had success (short term) with diets in the past and I should be able to suck it up for a month.  Even if I only come out 5 lbs a head, I would be thrilled.

I am officially in my last month of supervised diet!  Hopefully I will have a surgery date by this time next month.  I am so looking forward to the new year!~