I have been reading blogs regularly, even though I haven't done much posting. Not only do I not have very much to post about.. but I also don't really feel like it. I am in a state of waiting. I am nearing my last month of supervised "diet" and can only think about making it to the operating table. I have gained a lot of weight, about 70 lbs in total since my lowest loss. I am about 20 lbs shy from my highest weight. I am sad to be back here.
Last night my husband was asking me about having some (of his) co-workers over this Friday night. These are people I haven't seen for some time, and people I have always felt very judged by. I told him I would rather he go out with them than bring them to our house. He couldn't figure out why I didn't want them over and he kept pushing the issue. I finally broke down, and through tears, explained that I don't want to see these people right now. I know they will wonder what happened to me since the last time they saw me, when I was 70 lbs less fat. Obviously, I don't think anyone would say anything to me... but I do know they would all wonder. I also suspect they would talk about it when my husband or I weren't around. I can't take that judgement right now. My husband has been very kind through this all and I really believe he still thinks I am beautiful, but he also doesn't understand.
My surgery story is strange in the way that I have been very open with my friends, most of my co-workers, and my close family. However, there are a lot of people I haven't told and I don't feel like I have to tell. To those who have no idea what I went through... I am sure it makes them wonder. And mostly, I don't care. However, I have never felt comfortable around this group of people, and now, I don't feel comfortable around anyone.. in fact I don't feel comfortable with myself. It doesn't help that a random library patron asked me, "what happened, you must have gained at least 60 lbs".
I decided I needed to write this blog today because I know there are others out there who are struggling.. others who feel like the Lap Band was just another failed diet and are hoping there is a successful future for themselves. I also want you to know, that without my Lap Band, I have gained 70 lbs... the last 40 in less than 6 months. But I am extremely hopeful that not only will I succeed with my sleeve, but do much better than I did with my band. My band adventure was bumpy from the start... I am hoping this will be much more smooth sailing!