Monday, November 19, 2012

I am fat and why being honest is important

I have been reading blogs regularly, even though I haven't done much posting.  Not only do I not have very much to post about.. but I also don't really feel like it.  I am in a state of waiting.  I am nearing my last month of supervised "diet" and can only think about making it to the operating table.  I have gained a lot of weight, about 70 lbs in total since my lowest loss.  I am about 20 lbs shy from my highest weight.  I am sad to be back here.

Last night my husband was asking me about having some (of his) co-workers over this Friday night.  These are people I haven't seen for some time, and people I have always felt very judged by.  I told him I would rather he go out with them than bring them to our house.  He couldn't figure out why I didn't want them over and he kept pushing the issue.  I finally broke down, and through tears, explained that I don't want to see these people right now.  I know they will wonder what happened to me since the last time they saw me, when I was 70 lbs less fat.  Obviously, I don't think anyone would say anything to me... but I do know they would all wonder.  I also suspect they would talk about it when my husband or I weren't around.  I can't take that judgement right now.  My husband has been very kind through this all and I really believe he still thinks I am beautiful, but he also doesn't understand.

My surgery story is strange in the way that I have been very open with my friends, most of my co-workers, and my close family.  However, there are a lot of people I haven't told and I don't feel like I have to tell.  To those who have no idea what I went through... I am sure it makes them wonder.  And mostly, I don't care.  However, I have never felt comfortable around this group of people, and now, I don't feel comfortable around anyone.. in fact I don't feel comfortable with myself.  It doesn't help that a random library patron asked me, "what happened, you must have gained at least 60 lbs".

I decided I needed to write this blog today because I know there are others out there who are struggling.. others who feel like the Lap Band was just another failed diet and are hoping there is a successful future for themselves.  I also want you to know, that without my Lap Band, I have gained 70 lbs... the last 40 in less than 6 months.  But I am extremely hopeful that not only will I succeed with my sleeve, but do much better than I did with my band.  My band adventure was bumpy from the start... I am hoping this will be much more smooth sailing!

I went from this:

To this: (I am the one on the bottom right, obviously)


Elizabeth said...

I don't think that husbands really get it sometimes. I'm sorry you are struggling. I often feel unsuccessful with my band... Hang in there!

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

I totally understand your feelings. I'm sorry you are going through this! Trust me, I know just what would happen if I lost my band! You'll have great success with the sleeve, just keep your eyes on the future, and don't spend so much time beating yourself up!!

Roo said...

I understand completely how you feel, but it is a temporary emotion. I gained 24.5kg (about 55 pounds) and the majority of that was the 2 months between debanding and sleeve surgery. I felt absolutely disgusted with myself and certainly didn't feel comfortable around anybody that had seen me thinner. In the six weeks of being sleeved (including the 2 weeks of opti before op) I have dropped 17kg of that! It won't be long before you are feeling better about yourself..xx

Linda said...

Anna - I know this is just a temporary set back for you, but I would be down too. I get it - it's almost worse to have lost it and regained it than to have never lost it at all. Hang in there - your next chapter is starting soon.

Lap Band Gal said...

Great post :)

adorkbl said...

I am sorry you are struggling right now. My journey with the band has been very bumpy and I don't feel very successful at it a lot of the time. Hang in there. Your honesty is refreshing.