Woulda Been 3 Year Bandiversary

I am one week and one day past my Lap Band placement 3 years ago.  I haven't blogged much in the past oww... 9 months.  Honestly, I didn't have much to say.  I had been struggling so much with my band (which had slipped) and was trying to figure out what to do next.  Once I found out I could only have my band out and not convert to another surgery at that time.... I was upset.  I knew what would happen next.  I knew I would gain weight.

I have gained weight... a lot of weight.  I am not back to my original weight... but I am only about 30 lbs shy.  I realized very quickly how much the restriction of my Lap Band really did help me.  I also realized how easy it was to fall back into bad habits. 

The good news for me, is that I will have another surgery.  I will be having the sleeve procedure in December or January.  However, I had to start all over as if I never had a weight loss procedure.  My insurance required a BMI of 40 or higher.  I was at a 34 BMI when I had my band removed July 2nd.  So, I had to gain weight... and the more quickly the better.  You would think this would be a food addicts dream, but man it has been tough.  The actual gaining and eating has been easy... but the continuing to love myself part has been hard.  I also have to do a "6 month diet" which was a requirement when I had my Lap Band surgery.  So my diet started in June, however I am not if that month can be counted... so it may have been officially July.

Obviously, this all a bunch of ridiculous BS insurance poop pile.  That aside, it has been a learning experience.  I don't want to waste the 6 months between surgeries hating myself or hiding from the outside world.  I don't want to think about how much happier I will be once the weight is gone.  I don't want to feel fat and ugly.  So I am really working at being the best me I can be at my current weight... and you know what... for the most part I am.  Now, this isn't really a fair test of my self esteem because I am sure it is always in the back of my head that I will be losing weight again soon.  But, I do think back to when I was in my Lap Band prime and rocking a size 10.. now I am back into a women's 16.. and I can rock that size too.

The worst part has been having to buy new clothes in bigger sizes.  I hate that... but shopping is shopping.  I feel like this time around being "fat" is just a part of me and not me entirely... however, if you told me I couldn't have the sleeve procedure I would be devastated.  I still feel tired, unhealthy and sore.  I want to be able to do things I could do so much more easily at 165 lbs.  I also want to wear some of my favorite clothes again. 

I do think about what other people think.  A lot of people know I had surgery, some know I had my band removed, others may not.  Some know I will have another surgery, others have no idea.  I know they wonder what happened.  I know people who didn't know about my Lap Band must wonder how I lost all that weight and have now gained it back.  But the people who care about me... it doesn't matter to them and the people who do judge... they don't matter to me.  But it is hard to not let it matter.

The lesson here is:  I refuse to hate my size.  I will continue to be me big or small.  I just hope to be at a healthy weight again soon.