The Sleeve is a Strange Animal

So... I lost my motivation, and then I found it again, and then I lost it for a couple of days and then I found it again.  I am trying to string together enough days of motivation to start making a difference.  My anxiety has been through the roof lately, and I just don't handle eating well when I am in a place of panic.  It becomes the least important thing to me even though I know eating well improves my anxiety. 


I have had chronic anxiety my whole life... and I am on meds which help a lot.  Lately I am wondering if I need my dose upped.  Anyway, I am not looking for sympathy or excuses.  I just want to keep it real.


On to my sleeve story.  In January I will be two years out from my sleeve surgery.  I had a band for nearly 3 years before that and felt like I had a pretty good handle on the basics of eating post weight loss surgery.  Today, I was eating dinner at work (I work until 9) and I was eating some plain baked chicken (forgot the bbq sauce) and brown rice and some carrots.  I was eating at a fairly good clip because I had lots of stuff to get done.  I do this often and it is never a problem.  Well after I finished eating I was sitting at my desk working on stuff and I started to feel really nauseous..  Then I started having stomach pain.  I can't tell you how long it has been since I have been "stuck".  For God sake, I can easily eat 2 pieces of pizza while driving if I want to with no issues.  After about a half an hour it was getting worse and I knew I was going to puke.  I bet it has been a year since I have puked from a sleeve related reason.


After I thought about it, all the food I ate was really dry.  Also rice could potentially be a problem sometimes but hasn't been for months.  I got cocky, and I pushed my stomach... and I paid.  My misdeeds have been noted.  Hopefully I won't do the whole puking thing for a long time.

The struggle is real

Here I am, back again after a way too long hiatus.  I am now a year older and zero pounds lighter.  I was just too busy celebrating my pre-birthday, birthday, and post-birthday.



I did however, dress up as a squirrel for Halloween.  It was fantastic. 

Back On Track?

I had a very successful week of eating last week.  I followed my WW points to the t.  I had a loss of 4.6 lbs.  I am sure most of that was water weight from my out of control eating but I will take it.  This week had a bit of a bumpy start.  I had a work lunch yesterday with pizza, garlic knots, and salad.  Guess what I ate the least of.... salad.  It was delicious and I used almost all of my weekly point allowance. 

My husband is also following WW... or so he says.  I had him join and download the ap.  So far he has gained a pound.  I feel for him.  He has never had to diet before.  He needs to get his cholesterol down and get healthier.  He doesn't want to but he knows he should.  He hates having to track everything and he needs to learn to do it for himself.  O well... I will just try to be very supportive. 

The hardest part for me is cutting out my Starbux habit that has become a daily indulgence.  I think about it constantly. 

Here's hoping I will report another loss next Monday.

Update, Struggling, Being Honest

Barb is calling out all bandsters to update and reach out if needed.  I am no longer banded since I had my revision to sleeve in 2013.  Let's be real for a minute.  I feel like I am failing.  When I was banded in 2009 I was 260 lbs.  When I had my band removed in 2012 I was 199 lbs.  I then had to gain enough weight to qualify for a sleeve.  It was way too easy and by the time my sleeve surgery rolled around I was 246 lbs.  Today I am 189 lbs.  I am struggling to not plop over the 190 mark.  My sleeve has really gotten much less restrictive and I can eat almost anything.  The summer has been so much fun.  My husband and I have taken multiple vacations and eaten like we are on vacation every day.  There is so much dessert! 




My husband went for his physical recently and was told he needed to lose weight and clean up his eating because his cholesterol was sky high.  He has never really had a weight problem and now only carries around an extra 20 lbs.  We decided we would join weight watchers online and follow it together.  In theory this sounds like a great plan.  It is much harder in reality.  He gets 42 points a day and I get 29.  I am HUNGRY.  I WANT ice cream.  Some days are better than others, some are terrible.  Sometimes I lose complete control and eat a handful of chocolate chips.  But, I am trying and I know it is time to get serious for both our health.  My husband is also struggling.  He likes to eat out and loves beer.  He is realizing how hard it is to eat out and have enough points to be satisfied. 


The good news is that I haven't given up.  I am going to keep on trying and making improvements every day.  I am also going to try to update my blog at least once a week. 

Weight hasn't changed but life is rolling along

I haven't posted in forever.  Life is just being lived and I am enjoying myself.  Today I was cleaning out some old files at work and found some old pictures of myself.  Wow... I was really heavy.  I was uncomfortable and sad.  Now I am a normal person who could lose a few pounds but I am mostly happy. 

I have been exercising a lot more, but you all know that saying about not being able to out train a bad diet.  I don't think my diet is bad.  It just isn't good enough to lose weight.  I drink more wine than I should... eat more carbs than I should but for the most part my choices are healthy.

I finally completed my half sleeve tattoo that I have been planning for some time.  I love to garden.  I have multiple large gardens.  I have wanted a vegetable garden half sleeve for some time.  After roughly 6.5 hours of tattooing it is done!  I LOVE it!

 

That's all for me!  Happy hump day.

Broken Record

This is me saying the same thing I have said for the last few months.  This is so f*ing hard!  I am struggling.  I am hungry again.  I am not losing... I am sort of maintaining and I have gained a little.  I am bouncing around roughly 183 these days.  I hate it... it is frustrating that I know what I need to do but just can't seem to do it. 

I am exercising and trying to count calories.  However, my life keeps getting in my way.  I have too much fun with friends and family.  I am legitimately hungry.  I can't seem to make it a day with less than 1400 calories, and that is a good day.  The full feeling I used to get after a cup of food is long gone.  Granted, I could always eat more than most sleeved folks.  My surgeon explained that revisions often have a much harder time than first timers and I think that has been the case with me.

The good news is that I still can't eat nearly what I used to be able to.  It seems to limit the damage I can do.  I am trying to eat lots of fruits and vegetables to minimize the damage but I am just so hungry! 

I have a fit bit and have been doing great on the activity front, but I think that just adds to my hunger.  Argh... the funny thing (not in a haha funny way) is that so many folks are struggling on the blogs.  It just proves that weight loss surgery is not the "easy way".  We all have to work for it and it is always a struggle.  I am hoping to get 5 lbs off in the next month.  I can do that right?

Take care all!

What Am I Not Doing?

Losing weight, that's what.  I am such a slacker.  I don't want to work any harder, therefore nothing is happening.  Do I have an excuse?  Yes a list a mile long.  But they aren't any good.  I mean stuff has been happening and life has been busy, but isn't that life?  I am just being a big baby.

I was really sick this entire last week and once I am back to feeling 100% (hopefully by the weekend) it is time to get my ass in gear.  I need to stop being a puss bag baby.  That is all!

Making progress... slowly

I am down 5 of the 8 lbs I gained over the holidays.  That means still 3 lbs to go.  I am making progress, eating better, exercising, tracking my food.  That doesn't mean I am perfect and that this is easy.  I have had a few less than good days.  I have eaten chocolate, had too many drinks, and maybe even a cheeseburger.  But.. I am making progress. 

The weather is really making me struggle lately.  It is SO cold, and so snowy.  I think it is ramping up my seasonal affective disorder.  I have been really anxious and stressed lately.  I have also had some minor life drama that seems to be adding to it.  Don't get me wrong, I am not making excuses for the way I am eating.  However, when I look at the whole scope, I can see I am still using food as a coping mechanism. 

When I was seeing a therapist I remember talking to her about using food as a coping tool.  She explained to me that it isn't entirely bad as long as I am only doing it when I have no other tool to cope.  She said to keep it in my "tool belt" for emergencies.  I think I have cut back a great deal on food as comfort, but I am not sure I will ever be able to cut it out for good.

I am working all weekend which also makes me feel sorry for myself.  There is no reason I should feel sorry for myself.  Many people work weekends, I knew I would work weekends when I was doing my Masters program.  I am a big baby.

1 Year Out Photo

I decided to take a picture this morning to document what I look like at my 1 year out sleeveaversary.  I don't look very different than I did a few months ago, but I think I look pretty good.  Also, I am wearing the boots I love that were a huge NSV.  They are regular boots.. not wide calf.  That is something I couldn't have worn before.  Happy Friday all.

1 Year Out From Revision

Today I am exactly one year out from my revision to sleeve.  I have had a pretty good year.  As many of you may already know... I had my Lap Band out 6 months prior to my sleeve procedure.  My insurance company would not cover the sleeve procedure because my BMI was too low.  So... I had to gain weight (totally ridiculous and pisses me off still).  I gained a lot of weight... almost all my weight back.  On my surgery day I weighed 249.  That was just 10 lbs below my highest weight. 

Today I am 179, 70 lbs down from sleeve day and 80 lbs down from my highest weight.  I am living a pretty normal life.  However, I think I could maintain somewhere in the 175-180 range relatively easily.  I am sure you have all heard the theories on "set weight".  I am pretty sure I am at my set weight.  I would like to lose 20 more lbs in the next year.  That is so little compared to what I have already lost.. however, it is so much harder than it was earlier on.

I gained a good chunk of weight over the holidays and have been working hard to get it back off.  I have really cleaned up my eating, but I did have a couple days where I lost my will and ate a cookie or two.  I have been doing really great the last 5 days but I am still having cravings.  I joined WW online to give me some guidance because I felt like I was getting in a rut.  So far I like it.  The funny thing about WW is that in the past (pre surgery) I never felt like it was enough food.  I would fail because I was always hungry.  Now with my sleeve it feels like just the right amount of food.

I can eat a lot compared to many other sleevers.  I can eat 2 pieces of pizza.  For lunch I eat a sandwich with lots of veggies, some meat, and cheese.  I also eat a cup of raw veggies with that.  I am satisfied when I am done but by no means is it too much food.  I am hungry (for real hungry) every 3 hours.  I eat something every 3 hours during the day.  Usually it is fruit or veggies or a boiled egg.  Even when I was first sleeved I could eat a cup of food without any issues.  I was able to stay at about 800-1000 calories for the first 6 months.  Now I need about 1200-1300 to make it through the day.  My doctor is one who believes in eating many times a day and thinks I am right on target with my calories.  However, I need to increase my movement a lot to get a good loss at this point.  I also tend to fall off the wagon on the weekend.

Everyday I do choose between my love of food and my desire for weight loss... some days food wins.  No matter what, my sleeve has given me the life I had wanted.  I am comfortable in my body for the most part.  I am healthy, active, and eating a pretty balanced diet.  I could have never done that on my own.

Day 3 on the clean eating

Dear God, shaking the sugar can be HARD!  Yesterday I thought I might die. 

I had 4 egg whites with green pepper and green onion and a banana for breakfast, almonds and an apple for a snack, an open face turkey sandwich on gluten free bread (which was surprisingly tasty) for lunch with some pineapple, and chicken, rice, and green beans for dinner. 

I should have been satisfied, but my cravings were out of control and I was a crabby biatch.

Today, I am feeling better.

New Year, Same Me?

Ugh, I am relieved that the holidays are over, but not relieved to go back to work.  I really enjoyed having as much time off as I did.  I was, however, ready to get back to a normal schedule.  My husband is a teacher and we are getting his with some bad winter weather.  He was supposed to go back to work on Monday but won't be going back until this Thursday.  Even I had a snow day on Monday.  So today is my official first post holiday day back to work (though I did work a few days in between). 

The holidays were nice and we spent them with family.  I enjoyed seeing everyone, and getting to spend an entire week with just my husband doing whatever we wanted.  We sort of had a little staycation.  With that staycation came careless eating and minimal physical activity.  The only real exercise I got was when I was lifting my cocktail or wine glass to my mouth.

My goal was to maintain my weight, but I gained.  I weighed myself this morning and was.... gasp... 181.  That is like a 7 lb gain since October.  Yikes.  I spent my Monday snow day drinking and eating so I am hoping some of it is just bloat. 

The good news is that I am back on track.  I am doing the 3-1-2-1 diet for at least a week to get the sugar out of my system.  There are pre set menus and I will be following them to the T!  The premise is that you eat clean, and it is very clean.. only lean proteins, complex carbs, fruits and veggies, no dairy (other than yogurt) and no corn or white starches.  No soda or coffee... dear god.  Anyway... the "clean" eating is for 3 days, then you have 1 cheat day (though cheat is relative and very limited) and then 2 more clean days and then another cheat.  I saw the book at work and really liked the menus.  I figured there was no harm in giving it a try.

Today I ate: a pretty gross smoothie for breakfast (1 c unsweetened almond milk, 1/2 c unsweetened frozen berries, handful of spinach)

turkey breast with quinoa and steamed green beans

apple, almonds

chicken, celery, onions and olive oil mixed and wrapped in lettuce leaves and another 1/2 c of quinoa

water

I feel technically satisfied but I want to punch people because I am detoxing. 

I looked back to where I was at this time last year.  I don't actually have my weight documented but I was getting ready for my sleeve surgery and had gained a bunch of weight after having my band removed.  I believe I was 246 lbs on surgery day.  That was 14 lbs from my pre-band weight.  So, all in all, I have kept off that 14 lbs and lost an additional 85 (from today's 181).  That puts me at 79 down.  I am happy, but I really want to keep going in a downward direction over the next year.  If I am 20 lbs down by this time next year, I will be very happy.  That would put my at 161.  Here me now universe.  I want to be 161 by 1/6/15 and I am going to make it happen.

Wow, that was long.  Thanks for sticking with me!