Mopey today

So, last March I had surgery to have a pilonial cyst excised. Let me tell you... this was by far the most miserable and painful thing I have ever experienced. The procedure was about 4 hours long and it left me with an open wound 4 inches deep and 6 inches long. Did I mention that pilonidal cysts are right around your tailbone? So, for the past 8 months my husband has had to pack this open wound with damp gauze. In the beginning it took an entire roll stuffed in the open wound. Over time the wound got smaller and smaller, however, I had it reopened a few times because it was not healing correctly.

I was off work for six weeks and had a visiting nurse for two months. It was terrible. However, living with the cyst wasn't possible either. It would continually abscess, I would spike high fevers and get very ill. The cyst grew little "roots" through out my skin and was getting bigger and bigger.

Today I went it for my last follow-up with my surgeon. It is entirely closed but still continues to be pretty painful. I had talked to her about this earlier on in the healing process and she explained that this was due to all the sensitive new tissue and new nerves growing in. So, I figured no big deal. Well when I saw her today she explained that there was a new problem and the reason I am in so much pain is because of the way the wound healed.

Unfortunately my new tissue connected, in parts, the entire with of the wound without leaving a "butt crack". Now every time I sit those bands of tissue stretch and pull and it is very painful. She said there is nothing I can do now and that it just needs to stretch and settle but that I will need reconstructive surgery 2-3 years down the road.

This makes me very sad. I just wanted to be done with this, the pain to end, and to never have to have ass surgery again. Grrr...

Tomorrow I see my PCP just for a general post- Lap Band follow up. Hopefully she doesn't have anything crappy to tell me.

Counting down the days

I am counting down the days until my first fill. It is 13 days, or one week from next Tuesday. Even though I don't expect good restriction from my first fill, I still want to get started. I could eat anything I want right now in pretty much any amount. I haven't really tried to push my limits but I know my weight loss right now is solely based on self control.

My surgeon is very conservative (which I love) so my first fill will be 7 weeks post op. I have decided that I want to be one of those liberally restricted people. I want to be able to eat anything in small amounts. I do not want to feel as though there are some things I just can't eat. I also want to be able to eat "food" before noon.

I guess I can wait a couple more weeks. I will just have to work to stay on the straight and narrow!

Six Years Ago

A little over six years ago I got married. I just happened to pick up my wedding album today and look at some pictures. The day I got married I weighed 155lbs. Today I weigh somewhere around 236lbs. It wasn't easy for me to get to 155. I remember starting weight watchers at 186lbs (a weight I would kill for today). I struggled with my hunger and desire to eat but pushed through and made it down to 138lbs, as I tried to maintain I slowly creeped back up. I was happy with my weight on my wedding day. I think I look healthy and happy.

155 didn't stay around long. I slowly creaped back up to 186, then on to 195. I stayed around that for a while but was always on some diet. Now all I want is to be healthy and maintain a good weight. Ideally I would like to be 135, a weight I haven't been since I was 16, and I was only there for a very brief time. I am 5'4" and can hold a little more weight, but I would also like some wiggle room. I would like to be +5/-5 within 135, but if I never make it past 155, I would be happy.

Monday, a not so hungry day

Yesterday I was starving all day long. I worked 12-6 and was busy the entire time but I was still starving! I wanted to eat everything in site. I did eat way more then usual during the day but was able to tame the hunger beast by the time I left work. I got home around 6:20 and made myself some salmon. I don't like fish but I am working towards a better relationship with it.

I am learning more to eat for fuel and not so much for fun. I have found incorporating fish has worked wonders for that. I don't hate it but I don't find a great deal of pleasure in it either.

Today I am not hungry. I have eaten a few small things but just don't really want to eat. I put a pork loin in the crock pot before I left for work this morning. I am thinking that will smell good when I get home and I am going to roast some fingerling potatoes. I am not worried about not eating enough. I don't seem to have a problem getting in the calories!

Working Sundays is always a downer

But Sundays are also time and a half. So I bit the bullet and decided to actually work this Sunday (I usually give them away). To add to the drama of Sunday, I am working in the children's department today (I am the teen services librarian and NEVER work in the children's department). I am not used to the questions about tall tales and fairy tales. I am more used to, "Where do I find the book about....uhhh... doing it".

I did manage to get my workout in as well as a healthy brunch before heading to work. I have been working out everyday for at least 30 minutes and I can feel a big difference! I do aerobics and light weight sculpting.

I also decided to start cleaning out my closet this morning. I realized that I had a lot of ugly clothes just because I was fat. I decided I was getting rid of all the ugly stuff if it fit or not. I am so not the type to wear sequins or rhinestones, however, it seemed the heavier I got the more I wore of those. It is funny to me how so many plus size clothes have these gross little details. Its like if you are fat you need to detract from you size with sparkly things.

I did also have some items that were too big. All in all I got rid of 5 garbage bags of clothes. I donated them to a local women's shelter that was asking for plus size clothing donations. It felt so good to get rid of stuff. My closet has been stuffed to the gills with a million different sizes of clothes "just in case". I decided there was no more just in case so as soon as it doesn't fit or I know I won't wear it anymore... away it goes.

And the scale said.....

Another 2.2 lbs down!! Woohoo! That puts me at a grand total of 24.6 lbs down! I wish I could have made it an even 25lbs but I am not complaining. I guess watching what I eat and exercising is really working. Who would have guessed?! :) Right now I am pretty much running on motivation and will power as I have ZERO restriction. However, I really want to do the best I can even before my first fill so I have been working hard.

The other exciting part of this is that my BMI is actually below 40! I am in the 30 now. That is extremely exciting! I am also 1.3 lbs away from my 10%. That makes my weight loss seem like so much more then 24.6 lbs when I think of it as 10%.

Nothing else to report on this rainy cold day in MI. I am going to my first support group meeting tomorrow. I will report back on that.

My therapist already knows me better then I know myself!

Today, I went for my second appointment with my new therapist. Technically this is the 3rd time because he did my pre-op evaluation, but as a real patient.. this is the 2nd. I really really like this doctor. He is kind and understanding and already knows the real me. I had a really great session with him today and I left feeling good about things I have felt bad about for years. One of the things we talked about today was my two sides to my personality.

I have always been very creative and went on to get an bachelors of Fine Arts. I love art, I love creating it, admiring it, critiquing it...everything about it. However, after college I ended up doing jobs that I did not feel passionate about to pay the bills while doing artsy things on the side. One day I got tired of the not passionate feelings and decided I would get my Master of Library Science. So... now I am a librarian and LOVE my job. To me books were always pieces of art and now I am around them all the time.

I am a teen services librarian... so that means dealing with and getting to know all the people going through the angstiest part of their lives (the part I struggled with the most). I love all my kids. I see so much of me in many of them, and I am so proud when they have successes in their lives. In many ways I am still struggling with the things I struggled with in high school... feeling like I fit in... calming my manic side... and most importantly, staying true to Anna.

My therapist made me feel really good today. He made me understand that there is nothing wrong with this Anna and that I shouldn't stifle my creativity or passions. I think not being myself has been part of the eating... I feel like I have to fit a mold... be the person other people want me to be.

Enough of this heavy stuff... tomorrow is weigh in day! I hope I have a loss to report, but I will report even if it is with a gain.