I am 31, that is all.

I turned 31 yesterday.  I had an excellent weekend with my husband, we went out of town to celebrate.  Today... I am in that dreaded, tired of waiting mood.  I had my psych eval yesterday (a good way to spend a birthday).  This is the second evaluation I have had (obviously one for the Lap Band and one now).  I saw a different doctor this time than I did the first and she was outraged that I have had to go through all this just for a revision.  I appreciate her anger at the system.. but I also getting tired of this reaction from doctors.  I feel like saying, "then do something about it."

I think I am pretty much set to go... other than finishing up my stupid "diet".  My last weigh in will be the first week of January.  Hopefully my surgery will be shortly after that.  My surgeon is eager to get this done.  So am I.  It seems like lately so many people on the blogs have been having their revisions.  I am jealous.  I am tired of waiting... tired of being out of breath and hating myself in my clothes.  I want to feel the way I did when I was having success with my Lap Band.  I was excited to get dressed, try new clothes on, and get out and do things.

I feel like all I do is whine about waiting... and I know a couple of months isn't very long.  I know I am lucky my insurance will even cover another surgery.  I try to remind myself that as much as possible.  However, right now, waiting sucks.

The Un-Diet

I am in my forth month of my un-diet (my insurance required diet that I am not losing weight on).  I will be having my sleeve surgery in January and it can't come soon enough.  Fall and winter are going to be miserable because I don't have any cold weather clothes that fit.  My co-workers are seeing a lot of repeat outfits.  I need to make a trip to the thrift store.  I also hate being fat again.  I am trying not to, but I do.

I just got my packet from my insurance coordinator and I have to schedule my psych eval.  I can't believe I have to do all the BS again.  I am not bitter at all.  I also have to have my PCP write me a letter of support.  The last go-around, when I had my Lap-Band placed, was a nightmare.  My PCP refused to write the letter.  She made me jump through all these hoops and would never sign off on it.  My surgeon finally just gave the go-ahead without it.  This time around I have a different PCP, who is fantastic, and is very excited for my sleeve.  At least that is much easier this time.

My 31st Birthday is this month and I am hoping that my 32nd Birthday will be one of great weight loss success unlike this years big weight gain.

Woulda Been 3 Year Bandiversary

I am one week and one day past my Lap Band placement 3 years ago.  I haven't blogged much in the past oww... 9 months.  Honestly, I didn't have much to say.  I had been struggling so much with my band (which had slipped) and was trying to figure out what to do next.  Once I found out I could only have my band out and not convert to another surgery at that time.... I was upset.  I knew what would happen next.  I knew I would gain weight.

I have gained weight... a lot of weight.  I am not back to my original weight... but I am only about 30 lbs shy.  I realized very quickly how much the restriction of my Lap Band really did help me.  I also realized how easy it was to fall back into bad habits. 

The good news for me, is that I will have another surgery.  I will be having the sleeve procedure in December or January.  However, I had to start all over as if I never had a weight loss procedure.  My insurance required a BMI of 40 or higher.  I was at a 34 BMI when I had my band removed July 2nd.  So, I had to gain weight... and the more quickly the better.  You would think this would be a food addicts dream, but man it has been tough.  The actual gaining and eating has been easy... but the continuing to love myself part has been hard.  I also have to do a "6 month diet" which was a requirement when I had my Lap Band surgery.  So my diet started in June, however I am not if that month can be counted... so it may have been officially July.

Obviously, this all a bunch of ridiculous BS insurance poop pile.  That aside, it has been a learning experience.  I don't want to waste the 6 months between surgeries hating myself or hiding from the outside world.  I don't want to think about how much happier I will be once the weight is gone.  I don't want to feel fat and ugly.  So I am really working at being the best me I can be at my current weight... and you know what... for the most part I am.  Now, this isn't really a fair test of my self esteem because I am sure it is always in the back of my head that I will be losing weight again soon.  But, I do think back to when I was in my Lap Band prime and rocking a size 10.. now I am back into a women's 16.. and I can rock that size too.

The worst part has been having to buy new clothes in bigger sizes.  I hate that... but shopping is shopping.  I feel like this time around being "fat" is just a part of me and not me entirely... however, if you told me I couldn't have the sleeve procedure I would be devastated.  I still feel tired, unhealthy and sore.  I want to be able to do things I could do so much more easily at 165 lbs.  I also want to wear some of my favorite clothes again. 

I do think about what other people think.  A lot of people know I had surgery, some know I had my band removed, others may not.  Some know I will have another surgery, others have no idea.  I know they wonder what happened.  I know people who didn't know about my Lap Band must wonder how I lost all that weight and have now gained it back.  But the people who care about me... it doesn't matter to them and the people who do judge... they don't matter to me.  But it is hard to not let it matter.

The lesson here is:  I refuse to hate my size.  I will continue to be me big or small.  I just hope to be at a healthy weight again soon.

I feel fat.

So... to qualify for my sleeve I have to go through the same insurance requirements I did with my original Lap Band surgery.  I am not even going to get started on my rant of how ridiculous this is and how I am required to gain oww... 30 lbs so that I can revise because me band FAILED.  Anyway... I have gained about 15 lbs.  I feel fat and am starting to hate living in my body again.  I keep telling myself it is short term and will lead to long term success.  I do not plan on actually gaining anymore weight but instead wearing really heavy clothes and such when I weigh in.  I am pissed about the whole thing and everyone at my surgeons office agrees that this is complete bull, but again... the whole insurance system is a cluster...  Also, at five weeks out it has been only too easy to average a 3 lbs a week gain.  Mind you I have used very little good choice making because I know I have to gain weight and I figured I might as well enjoy it.  But.. it makes me sad too. 

At one point with my band I was 6 lbs shy of 100 lbs down.  Now that didn't last long and I gained a good 15 back and lived at that weight for a while until I started having slip trouble which led to many complete unfils and weight gain.  But through it all, I kept a good 65 lbs off.  Until now...now I am at the 50 lbs down mark and I don't want to slide any farther back.  Without my band I feel like I am back to pre-band life.  I am hungry a lot.  I also feel slightly angry and eat out of anger.  Thank God I will be able to get the sleeve, even after all this bullshit.  I can't imagine living life like this long term.  I am so sorry to those who have gone through this and have no option to revise.  I am jealous of those who have been able to convert right from the band removal.  None-the-less, I do believe I will have success again.

Post Op Visit with Surgeon

Friday I had my post op visit with my surgeon.  All was well and he pretty much said I could go back to normal life.  I am still a little tender on my incisions where they rub against the waist of my pants but that is all.  We discussed where we go from here and I will be having the sleeve in December.  My insurance is a little bitch and requires me to do 6 months of dieting before my revision.  Seriously... I couldn't do it before the band... I won't be able to do it now.. but whatever.  However, I shouldn't loose any weight (you know that BS), so I am on the maintenance track.

It is good in the way that I will not have to take time off of work because I already have 3 weeks of vacation.  Since I started at my current place of employment (5 years ago) I have had 4 surgeries.  One of which I was off work for 2.5 months.  I am really pushing my luck here, though they have been very good.  I am also a little relieved that I have time to let my stomach rest a little. 

On the eating from... I can't say I can tell much of a difference on the hunger front.  My band really never did stop my hunger.  I can tell a big difference in volume.  I can eat a lot... without chewing.  I have had a lot of sandwiches in the past couple weeks.  I have also had Chinese food (not as good as I remembered) and a burger and fries (better than I remembered).  I am eating lots of raw fruits and vegetables which I ate very few of during my banding because they gave me trouble.  I am hopeful that the sleeve will allow me to continue eating the raw fruits and veggies because it is great for my body and soul.  :)

Right now I am just focusing on living me life.  Seems there are more folks in blog land talking about sleeve conversions, it is funny how things seem to trend.

Take care all!

Life without a band

Since having my Lap Band out I have been in pain.  My incisions are sore, but mostly, an incision in my belly button (why in the hell would anyone ever poke in there?!) is really uncomfortable.  I feel like everything is falling out my belly button... like my organs aren't attached and are trying to squeeze themselves out.  I can honestly say I turned the corner yesterday and really started to feel better.  My tummy still hurts, but nothing I can't tolerate.

I have no pain while eating and can eat whatever.  I ate a cheeseburger today with a bun.  It was great.  The strange thing with eating is that I have made mostly really good choices and I really only have been eating 2 meals a day because I am staying full for a long time.  I am sure this has something to do with swelling and healing going on but it has been nice.  I have actually dropped a couple pounds.  The is whole experience has been very introspective.  Firstly, the fact that I needed this little contraption to make me stop eating is incredible.  I was willing to sacrifice a lot for that.  I also think the band didn't work well for me since the beginning.  Sure I lost weight, but it never felt like I was eating right or naturally.  It also makes me a little sad that I know my journey is far from over and though I would like to believe this has changed me... I know it probably hasn't.  I am reflecting on what I feel about the future knowing the sleeve is the next stop.

I am ready, but so not ready.  I am not ready for another surgery, recovery, physiological change, and so on.  I am ready to be healthy.  For now I am just working on the healing and work on the future on Friday when I see my surgeon.

I survived, my band was not so lucky

I had my band removed on Monday.  My surgeon said there was so much scar tissue and a pretty serious slip, he would have never been able to reband me even if that was the plan.  I am much much more sore than I was with my original surgery.  I came home yesterday and spent a lot of the day sleeping.  The drugs are keeping me sane at this point. 

I was not put on any post op diet and this has been the best part.  I ate chicken and rice last night and fruit salad.  It was amazing.  I forgot what it was like to eat real healthy food without wondering when I would puke. 

I go back to my surgeon a week from Friday to get started on the plan for part 2: The Sleeve.  He thinks it shouldn't be too hard to get it approved after seeing what a mess my band left.  Here's hoping.  The crappy part is that I will have to have another surgery and another recovery and take more time off of work.  Hopefully this will be my last weight loss surgery!

Happy July 4th all!!  I am feeling some serious independence today... from the satan's trap that was living inside me.  :)