Thursday, April 22, 2010

How did I get so fat?!

Me on my wedding day!

I started thinking about how I got to nearly 260 lbs. I have thought about this off and on and talked to a therapist about it but I am still not sure. I did not have a particularly traumatic experience or a tough childhood. I did struggle in high school with not feeling like I fit in. I grew up in rural Northern Michigan community and was somewhat limited. I was always very creative and artist which eventually led me to art school.

I was always told I was a very mature teenager, young adult, college student, and so on.... and I was. I loved the arts and literature and culture. I believed we are all equal and that we all deserved to be treated the same. I loved being around people of all religions, races, and sexual preferences. It was exciting and liberating. My small town was not liberating... it was lovely.. but very white bread.

I moved to the metro Detroit area to go to college and loved it. I got my Bachelors of Fine Art... tried to find a job... didn't... and ended up getting my Masters of Library and Information Science. I finally felt like I had found a job where I belonged and where I could relate.

In elementary school I was not fat... I was not even overweight. I was pretty normal. I have always enjoyed food. I grew up eating hardy meat and potato meals, delicious pies, and biscuits. However, everything was home made. My mom worked full-time, as did my dad, but she still had time to make all the bread, jams, dinners, deserts, etc and it was all wonderful.

In high school I was a little heavier. I remember the first time I joined Weight Watchers I was a sophomore in high school and 146 lbs. I am 5'4"....I begged me mom to sign up with me. She did. I lost 24lbs... then started back sliding. This is where my real weight problem began. I am not sure what it was but I started eating like it would be my last meal... I think I had the diet mentality already at this point.

I did weight watchers 3 more times before my Junior year of college, by that point I was 186 (when I met my husband). I wanted to lose weight before my wedding so I did WW again and got down to 148 lbs. I was 154 the day I got married and thought I looked great. That was the last day I saw that weight.

At some point I started using food to cope. I am not quite sure when this happened. I still have a hard time not using food to make myself feel better. The fact of the matter is... my band just won't let me. Thank Goddess for that!


Camille said...

I feel the same way. Happy kid, never really fat until college. No trauma. Just eat. A lot. I have to work on "mindfulness". Great post!

Sandy Lee said...

Although I was a chubby kid I still grew up thinking I was fat. When I married I was under 130 and I was fat (in comparison to all my friends and family). I am starting to realize I compared myself to too many others. No trauma as a kid, a bit as an adult with my mom getting MS, but overall a happy life. I have a lot of brain things to work on and it is happening, gradually. I don`t think there is one `thing` or one magic moment when the lightbulb comes on but a bunch of them. Awareness is the first step.

BTW, you were a very pretty bride.

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

I was quite "normal" as a kid. My Mom cooked every night. I was very active in high school. I started putting on weight after I had my 4th child. I was 24 years old and had 4 kids and a not so nice husband. he was very emotionally abusive and it has done quite a number on me. I have been divorced from him for 15 years and I am still suffering. I hope therapy can help me cause I don't want to fail with the band. You were a really pretty bride.

Amy said...

I feel pretty much the same way. Pretty happy childhood, no trauma, no drama. I think my weight issues started when I felt 'bigger' than everyone else, which was largely because I'm tall and developed early. I felt HUGE in high school, yet I wore a size 8/10 and am 5'10". Makes no sense, other than I was taller (and therefore bigger) than most of the other girls...

You were a gorgeous bride!

We should get together some time - I'm only 45 min from Ann Arbor. And my surgeon is in downtown Detroit at Harper.

Gen said...

Those stupid diets!!! Notice how once you started dieting things went downhill?

I started dieting in middle school, and dieting consumed me (literally) in high school. No matter how small I got, I always felt "fat."

Dieting ruined my ability to eat like a normal person - based on hunger, rather than a diet plan/binge. I am pretty mad about it! And I hope to keep my daughters from dieting, no matter what.

I have other childhood stuff, but a big culprit for my weight gain was dieting. When I got pregnant with my first baby, the dieting could not happen anymore so I went to the opposite extreme. And so it went with each baby, until I packed on 80 or so pounds.....

Ugh. So glad this is finally coming to an end, this entire struggle.

You look beautiful in that pic!

Joey said...

My story was similar, although I've been overweight my whole life. I was in a small white bread town and I was the artsy kid who didn't fit in, then went away to art school in the big city.
Wow! you've lost 71# in 7 months?! That's amazing!

tessierose said...

This is a wonderful post. I've spent so much of my time being unhappy with my weight, and like Gen says, lost the ability to listen to my body. The very first time I went to WW, I weighed 145 pounds, I'm 5'8" and like Amy felt huge, I wanted to weigh 125 like my friends, it wasn't realistic for me. you are doing great a I hope I can have as much success as you have.
PS---you made a beautiful bride!

Girl Bandit said...

I always thought I was fat as a child and a teenager but it turns out I wasn't...great looked great on your wedding day