Be careful what you wish for...

So... I have been wanting restriction really bad. I have been hoping and praying and wishing.. and now I starting to feel it and keep getting stuck! I keep forgetting to chew well and take small bites. I am yet to PB on my lap band journey but I fear that day is near. I just had a major stuck issue with my dinner, the worst I have ever felt. It finally passed and now I feel gross. I feel all nauseous and sore. I probably need to do liquids tomorrow as this is my 3rd stuck in 3 days.

I am still happy that I am feeling something though... I am by no means tight but I am starting to feel some action. Someone once told me they had the most problems right before they got to their sweet spot. I have hoping that is what I am dealing with.

O well... off to the treadmill for an hour.

Friday Weigh- In

Well, I am creeping closer and closer to good ole 199! Today I weighed in at 201.6. So I dropped the couple pounds I had gained back plus a little more. I am ready to the see Onderland my friends!

Restriction... really..

I am starting to think restriction is similar to unicorns and leprechauns. I am pretty sure it is the fantastical thing that we all wish for but never really find. I just finished eating lunch and have found my restriction to be no different. I am hoping that if I give it a week or two it will start to tighten up. That is what happened the last time I had a fill at least.

O well, I have made it this far right. Guess I will just have to continue down the path of good eating and exercise. I can do that... right?! I told Dr. Katz yesterday, that I was starting to get impatient. He totally understood and was empathetic. I keep trying to tell myself not to be in such a hurry and that it will come in due time. Easier said than done. My current goal is to get to Onderland by February 5th. Two weeks, 5 lbs.

Now on to my rant. I regularly peruse Obesityhelp.com. They have a discussion board and forum for Lap Band patients. Well I have mentioned before how I feel pressured to eat low carb... and that board is one of the reasons. So again today I log in and see that someone has posted this long message about how the reason everyone is having trouble right now is because they are still struggling with all the carbs and sugar from the holidays. This person goes on to point out that essentially the only way to succeed at this is low carb no sugar. That is a diet. I had LB so I would not have to be on a diet. We have seen people succeed while eating carbs and sugar (Amy just pointed this out in her 1 year post). Stop carb fear mongering!

And on a final note: Happy Hump Day!

Update on the Doctor visit

So, as mentioned before, I had an appointment today with the wonderful Dr. Katz. I am always happy to see him because he always gives me a pep talk and clears up any questions I have. First he asked me what I can eat. I laughed, and he said he knew that was a loaded questions. I had to fess up. In a moment of delirium I ate a number 1 from McDonald's. I was ABLE to eat a number 1! For those of you who are not up on the McD's value meals... number 1 is a Big Mac meal. Now to be fair, I struggled to get the burger down... the bread gave me trouble but I still struggled through it. I also ate the entire thing of fries and to be entirely honest... also a giant cup of pink lemonade. Dr. Katz laughed and told me not to tell him that. Then he went to go on to say when he is working at his other office there is a McDonald's on the corner and he has been known to order the number 1.

He gave me a 1.5 fill and I drank some water. He was telling me how weird restriction really is. When he filled me under flouroscopy a few months ago he filled to the point of what looked like ideal restriction. We both watched the barium go down and it got to the band, pooled up, and then went down slowly. Two fills later and I am still looking for that magical spot. I am on liquids today and when I had my protein drink it seemed to be moving slower... hopefully that sticks. I did ask if I could come in sooner then my regular monthly appointment if I was not having restriction. He said I could make my next appointment for 3 weeks but no earlier. He said he has seen too many folks get filled too soon and end up way over restricted.

So on another band related note... I have this weird thing that happens with my band. When I lean up against the kitchen sink to do dishes and I lightly press on the edge it pushes on my tubing. It makes this crazy feeling of bubbles traveling upward. It is so strange. I asked to Dr. about this... he said no big deal, the tubing is just close the to surface there. Does anyone else have this? I tried to explain the feeling to my husband but it is lost in translation.

Monday morning ickness.

So, Thursday my eyes were really bothering me, burning and itchy and I just kept rubbing them. I was tired and sort of miserable. Friday I woke up with a very runny nose and a sore throat. This is how I spent my weekend. Yuck-o, I have some sort of cold and it makes me so tired. I haven't been working out, just trying to relax when I am not at work. I already feel a little better today but I am still really stuffy and sneezy.

Tomorrow I go in for fill #4. I am really really hoping this is make a difference for me. I am having a hard time dealing with my hunger and would at least like to take the edge off of that. I am trying to drink more water in hopes that it will fill me up... yeah not so much. I am hoping to get closer to that elusive onederland this week. I will be on liquids tomorrow so hopefully that will give me a boost. I wasn't a great eater over the weekend... lots of ice cream for the sore throat, but when I am sick I refuse to worry about what I am putting in my mouth.

In other news, I am totally jealous of Amy W's amazing stomach. She and I are roughly the same weight and height and let me tell you... my stomach is much more "fat" than hers. I hope to someday look that good.

Have a good Monday all!

Friday, Can I get a woot woot?!

First off, Thank God it is Friday. I am off this weekend and am looking forward to a nice relaxing couple of days. I am also looking forward to spending some time with my husband. He is a teacher but also coaches high school basketball. During basketball season I hardly ever see him. I am also having my hair cut tomorrow (I need it bad). I was supposed to have it cut last weekend but my hair stylist ended up canceling because she had to stay home with her sick baby. I actually had to resort to wearing my hair in a pony tail to work today because I have such a bad mullet going on.

I think I found my motivation again. One thing I really want is to be a lot lighter by summer. Living in the Midwest means 75% of the year you can cover your body up. This is ideal for a fat girl. But in the summer I do a lot of outdoor programs and it is just way too hot to wear long pants and long sleeves. I found this horrible picture from last summer, the July before I had my surgery.

I know I felt so uncomfortable at that weight. I think I look like I am miserable. Then I found these two pictures from an outdoor event we did in August. I had my surgery September 9th so this is probably only a few weeks before. I HATE these pictures. I had no idea I was so heavy and when I saw these it sealed the Lap Band deal. I knew I could not live like this.

Summer is our bread and butter at the library. We do a summer reading game for kids through adults and we give out huge prizes. We do lots of fun events and work long hours, but I love it. Part of the excitement over summer reading for us is our official summer reading t-shirts. Every year we get 3 or 4 t-shirts with the logos on them. These become our work "uniform" for the summer.

I always hated wearing these t-shirts because I felt fat and dumpy. This year I want to feel good in my shirt. I even ordered a couple sizes smaller this year. This for me, is a great reason to stay on track. I want to really enjoy summer this year. Only a little over 4 more months to go. I should be able to lose at least another 25-30 lbs by then. I would feel amazing at that weight!

What is your motivation to stay on track?

Time for the 3-Minute Warning... I think so

So, I just finished reading this article from Prevention. The author talks about her experiences with binging. She explains how binging isn't about the amount of food you eat "but by the way you eat it. Two cookies can be a binge if you eat them with urgency, desperation, and the pressing need for an altered state."

This is how I have been eating the past few days. I eat things that I think will make me feel something. I eat quickly and with desperation. I want that food to make me feel a certain way so badly. I just want to zone out. I am constantly fighting these urges but always to different degrees. Some days it hardly bothers me, other days all I can feel is the call of the food.

I have talked before, about the way I now recognize that I'm eating for the wrong reasons. I don't usually stop doing it, but I do muster up the strength to start the next day or week or hour fresh. I am searching for that strength right now, and I know it is here somewhere.

I love the authors idea of the 3- Minute Warning. She says, "The next time you want to binge, tell yourself that you're going to take 3 minutes—only 3—to be with yourself before you eat. Then, sit down, breathe a few times, and with as much kindness as you can muster, ask yourself gently what is going on. What do you need? Whom do you need it from? What would be the kindest thing you could do for yourself now?If you still want to eat after you've done this, notice how the food tastes in your mouth. Notice how you feel after you've eaten. Ask yourself if eating felt kind."

I plan on doing this from now on. I am going to do my best to stay present in the moment and be aware.

In other news, my scale broke. I weighed myself yesterday and was up to 204 (two lb gain). I got on it again this morning and nothing... blank. Put new batteries in... nothing. I think this was a sign from a higher power. Time to get back on track and off the scale.

Hope you all are having a successful Thursday!

Hump Day and Feeling Better

Things seem to be on the up and up today. I am feeling better and am back on my "good eating" path. I had a good breakfast, slept well last night, and am facing the day with an A+ attitude. I am feeling less stressed as well, so that helps.

A big thanks for all the positive comments. I do feel like a new person. I understand what is going on now. I can't always correct the problem right then, but I can reflect on it and try to keep it from happening again.

I am not perfect, but I am learning and that is very exciting.

So.... Yeah.

I am clearly stress eating. I was so close to onderland and have blown my chances of making it this week. And you know the worst part... I pretty much don't care. I am tired and hungry and work is stressing me out beyond belief. My parents are in town, which is nice, but I also make bad choices when they are around.

I am going in for a fill next Tuesday and I am praying number 4 will bring me some restriction. I am struggling again and I am feeling a bit careless. I have come to the cross road where I made the decision not to care right now. Blech. Good thing I am seeing the therapist Thursday. I think there may be more to this bad eating. I think I am hitting my wall.

Better news tomorrow? Hopefully.

Welcome to my newest followers!

First of all, "Welcome" to those of you who have recently started following. I am so happy to have you with my on my journey!

Secondly, thank you all for you sweet compliments on my size 16 pictures. I am feeling pretty great these days and am SO HAPPY with my progress. I have learned so much about myself in these past four months and all of my fellow blog friends have been such a big part of that.

I am working again today, not wearing a cardigan, but a lovely red library polo. I was tired this morning and had a tough time getting out of bed. I didn't exercise as I had planned and when I got to work I saw 3 big boxes of donuts. I had one, couldn't resist, it was chocolate and SO good. Something that has actually worked for me ** warning may not work for you** is that I am super strict Monday- Friday eat 1000 calories (each day) work out an hour - an hour and a half and then ease off on the weekends. In fact I usually don't worry about calories at all. I don't go insane, but I generally allow myself a dinner out and eat whatever I want and have desert. I may have a cookie or donut and a few drinks. I think it shakes up my metabolism. This is what I did last week and I lost 3.4 lbs. I am not saying this will work for everyone, but I am lucky enough to still get optimal weight loss this way.

Anyway, hope you all had a great weekend and are enjoying your Sunday!

Ask And You Shall Recieve!

Amy W wanted to know where my size 16 pictures were. Well.. here they are! I had a co-worker take them on my break so ignore the cheesy cardigan. I am a librarian... cardigans are just a way of life!

P.S. I got my new pants at JCPenney and Old Navy. JCPenney had this fabulous 70% off sale. I got 3 pair of pants and 4 shirts for $80. Perfect for a cheap-o like me!

What?!!

I went shopping yesterday because I desperately needed some new pants for work. I tried on lots of different brands and sizes. I am so excited to say that I am officially out of the 18s. I am now a size 16! Amy W was just asking me what size I was wearing ( I said 18) but these last 3 lbs seemed to have sealed the size 16 deal. My 18s are just way too big. I have to say that all the 16s were very comfortable so I am thinking I can't be too far from a 14. Woohoo!

I am working today and tomorrow, so no fun weekend for me. I do have dinner with a bunch of ladies (whom I love) tonight. We are doing Mexican (dangerous). Hopefully I can keep my alcohol intake low and my food intake even lower. I did work out last night (at 10:30 pm) just so I could give myself a little more slack today.

Hope you all are having a great weekend!

Great weigh in this morning

Well, I had a really great weigh in this morning. I lost 3.4 lbs this week and am now down 57 lbs! I am on track to make onderland by next week. Woohoo! That is SO amazing!

In other news, I have the day off, and have an appointment to have my nails done and hair cut. I will enjoy both very much. I always feel so much better when I have my hair cut. I feel like I am more put together, even if I am still a hot mess. :)

Happy Friday all!

Eww... why didn't someone tell me!

That I was not nearly as hot as I have been feeling lately. I have a problem, and have had this problem as long as I remember. Amy W talked about her issues with reverse body dysmorphic disorder. I have it too. I always think I am way skinnier then I am. Then I saw this picture taken by a friend today and was alarmed. I also realized I need a haircut AsAP!

O well... I am making progress at least!

I was just thinking....

I talked to my sister yesterday and she had joined Weight Watchers last week. She had her first weigh in last night and she lost 5.2 lbs. I was very happy for her. This isn't her first go with Weight Watchers, in fact it is probably her 15th + try. In my family (my sister, my mom, and myself) would all go back to WW when we would "have enough" of our weight. It happened once a year at least, sometimes 3-4 times.

I tried other things too, Medical Weight Loss (a REALLY expensive doctor directed program), South Beach, NutriSystem, Atkins, the list is endless. But, WW was always the go to. Obviously nothing ever worked. I was at my absolute heaviest weight and was not willing to try something I have failed at before.

We have all heard the statistics of losing weight and keeping it off with traditional diets. I actually just read a study here. It seems that the 95% fact (that 95% of people who diet gain all their weight back) is indeed true. It has also been found that most people also gain additional weight on top of the weight they lost. This has been the case for me and also the case for my sister.

I hope she can be successful with WW but I worry she won't. I worry she will only get more discouraged. Thinking about this makes me so thankful I have chosen the band. I know I could NEVER lose all the weight I want to lose, and mostly, maintain the weight I lost with it.

A Blog to Think On

I just got done reading Gwen's blog. She had a great post with a link to an article by Roger Ebert about not being able to eat due to his illness. He talks about what he misses and how it isn't really the food but the experience. Gwen follows this post up with her own commentary about her loss of the eating experience.

This topic hit home. It was almost like I finally understood for the first time why I feel sad, why I miss "food". I realize now it is more about the feeling of eating with others, eating in places, the smells and sounds, and no just the food. Yeah, I can still do these things, but not in the way I have been doing them for years. I also have new feelings about eating. I worry about PBs, getting stuck, what people think when I am eating and so on.

Don't get me wrong, I am so glad I had the surgery. However, I still miss the old way of eating.

It's Monday Again.

I am back to the ole work grind and right back on track with the A+ eating. I have my whole day planned, am working on my water intake, and will work out when I get home tonight. I was also able to move my fill appointment up a week. Not the best situation,but two weeks away is WAY better then three weeks away. I am also going to attribute my crappy eating weekend to TOM. I am always starving before and craving crappy food.

I am also craving something else besides food.... a new wardrobe. All my clothes are getting too big and I feel like a big frumpster. I did buy a couple pairs of pants from ebay. I want to shop but I really don't want to spend lots of money on clothes that won't fit very long. I am off Thursday and Friday this week, because I work the weekend, so I am thinking I might do some small shopping then.

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning and I am not looking forward to it. I hate going to the dentist. It seems like everything always hurts. I read what I just typed and think, "what a baby". Fills don't bother me. I dealt with the surgical pain just fine. I don't even mind going for my OBGYN appointments... but the dentist.. I HATE it. I even have a nice dentist.

I guess we all have our things.

Here I go again

I am sitting around in my jammys and Jason took a picture of me with our Scottish Fold Sophia. You can also see Capone peaking around my right side. We are huge animal people. We have four cats and they all named after gangsters and gangster wives. We also have fabulous Ike the Pit Bull. We probably would have given him a gangster name but he was rescued and was Ike when we got him. Anyway...


So, I say this all the time, but... I ate so bad this weekend. I ate out 4 times, ate cookies and cake, and wine and crap. Blech. I did work out hardcore, so maybe that will be my saving grace. Why can't I get my freaking act together. My social life is killing my weight loss. I am actually thinking about calling my doctor to beg for a fill sooner then my next appointment Feb 1. I just don't know if they could get me in any earlier then that anyway. Where did my great momentum go?!

Back to it hardcore tomorrow. I am not looking forward to Monday. Some Sundays I am so sad to the let the weekend go. This is one of those. At least I have Big Love to look forward to tonight. I have been waiting so long for the new season!

New Follower = New Friend

Just wanted to give my newest follower a big Hello! Happy to have you!!

It Is Friday and Weigh-In Day

I am happy to report I have lost all my holiday plus a little more. I weighed in at 205.4 which is 3.6 lbs down from last week and .6 lbs down from my lowest weight. So exciting to see a new number and creep ever closer to that wonderful onderland! Yesterday, at work, I got many comments about how thin I was looking. It is strange how one day everyone notices. It was nice though.

We got a ton of snow yesterday and last night and it looks so beautiful outside. It is sunny today so it is especially sparkly. It makes me want to snowshoe or sled. I hate how long the winter is, but I really enjoy the snow.

No big plans for the weekend. My husband's basketball team (the one he coaches) has a game tonight and he won't be home until late. I get out of work too late to make the game so I will be on my own. I plan on catching up on some crappy tv and exercising. Saturday Jason has practice in the morning and his basketball team has a bowling fundraiser that night. I am not sure if I will go or not. Sunday we are going to a movie. I love movies.

Happy Friday to all!

Why am I so happy you say?

Why am I so happy today?! Is it because my drive to work looked like this?! No.

Is it because I weighed myself and lost 9 lbs. No, I didn't weigh myself or lose 9 lbs. I am actually not sure why I am so happy today, but I am pretty happy. Maybe it is because it is Thursday and one day closer to the weekend. Maybe it is because I finally have my eating under control and the scale is heading down (hopefully, we will see tomorrow). Or maybe it is just a good mood kind of day. Whatever it is, I will take it.

Yesterday I started this new way of eating. I decided to eat 4 250- 300 calorie meals a day. Every three hours I eat something. This is making me feel so good. I never get REALLY hungry and I feel like I am always energized. The down side is I have to find time to eat at work. I also have to think ahead and plan for all these mini meals. Last night I went out to dinner with my husband. We decided to go to Applebees because they have those under 550 calorie entrees. I had the grilled shrimp and island rice. I ate half of it and brought the rest for my work dinner (I work until 9 tonight). It was SO good and it was an easy way to get my mini meal.

It is hard to believe I can make a meal out 250 calories. BLB (before lap band) I would have NEVER done that. How the times have changed. There is a great little article about mini meals here.

Hump Day!

Wohoo! I am excited it is already Wednesday. Only two more work days this week. I don't have any plans for the weekend, but weekends always seem so exciting and full of possibility. One thing I plan to do this weekend is stay "clean". No junk eating. I usually slack on the weekends and let myself slip a bit. I am going to try and have a no slip weekend and see how it feels.

I am still not sure about the restriction situation. I had my boiled egg and Greek yogurt for breakfast this morning and really wasn't able to much difference. I do think I may be staying full longer though... or I could just be wishful thinking.

So, I am totally in love with Sobe lifewater. Right now I am drinking the cherimoya punch. Dear God, that shit is good. It has zero calories and is naturally sweetened. It also tastes like heaven in a bottle.

On to the most important topic, Biggest Loser.... yup I am hooked. I didn't even know it was on last night until I starting clicking around looking for something to watch. I am not really feeling any of the contestants yet, but I am sure I will as the episodes continue. I am, of course rooting for the local Ann Arbor, MI team (Darrell and Andrea). I will say, there is something about Biggest Loser that makes me annoyed. The speed at which these folks lose is just so abnormal. I feel like it has to be frustrating to most people losing weight in the real world. I know it is for me... and I have my band to back me up. I am not sure if this show really is a motivation for everyone.

Fill and the gallbladder from hell

So, I went in to see my fabulous doctor today. I was not feeling well last night or this morning. I have been having weird back pain when I eat. So, I tell the doc about it and he says my gallbladder is on the fritz. He wasn't concerned about it and said I could maybe get away with not having it removed for a couple years unless the pain is a big problem (it isn't YET).

I got a fill... .75 cc. I am at roughly 5.5 ccs now. He didn't want to give me too much because he filled me to what he thought was "a good tight fill" under flouroscopy last month. He was afraid I would end up too tight if he put too much in. I can tell a little of difference with the liquids. The fluid moves much more slowly through my stomach and sort of gurgles down.

I am looking forward to testing it out tomorrow on real food. On a side note, my doctor was so happy with my weight loss. He told me I should be very proud of what I have achieved so far because it is a big deal. That made me feel good, even with a couple pounds still lingering from the holidays, I am doing great.

Cookie Confessions

This is a face of a guilty woman! (Notice the sweaty armpit, this is post workout).


Okay, so today was my day to stay clean. I did pretty good all day, only eating what I brought from home and a good dinner. Shortly after dinner the doorbell rings. I hear the neighbor tell my husband, "Happy Holidays". I am thinking, "shit, please let him have given us beer, or a crafty decoration, or just a Christmas card, but PLEASE no cookies." In comes Jason with a little tin full of cookies. I immediately go into a form of delirium and eat five. Yes FIVE. 3 small gingersnaps, 1 buckeye, and a peanut butter goody.

Of course I feel guilty. I march my ass upstairs at once and jog on and off for an hour burning 440 calories... goodbye cookies.

I lost a follower :( and back on track.

So, I log in to blogger and see I have lost a follower. Hopefully I was just boring and not offensive. I love all my followers and am sad to see anyone go.

On to happier news. I am back at work and back on track. Of course the first thing I saw as soon as I walked in to work this morning was a GIANT plate of cookies. I am avoiding them at all cost. I have really had a struggle over the last couple weeks. I am looking forward to detoxing and feeling better again. I am also looking forward to seeing the scale go down, not up.

Overall my holiday was nice. I was off work for 11 days and enjoyed the time for the most part. It went by so quickly though. My parents stayed with us for a week and my sister and her family also came for a few days. The last few days Jason and I had to ourselves and we just vegged out and recouped.

I am always happy when this time of year is over, my house is clean, and I am done buying gifts. I guess I am a total Scrooge. I did enjoy giving gifts to everyone, and I received some great gifts in return.

Tomorrow I have an appointment for a fill. I can't wait. I am at that point where I can feel a tiny bit of restriction when I eat too fast or don't chew well but I can still do both with just a small glitch. I think I am going to buy some baby spoons today in hopes that that will help me take smaller bites. I am really having a hard time with the chewing well and slowing down part.

On a totally not related note, it is very cold here in Michigan. We are getting snow and miserable cold days. I always get sort of bummed out with this weather. I know we are in for a long winter and I am limited as to what I can do outside. I am a huge gardener and all my seed catalogs are starting to come. This helps me cope a bit. I start planning out all my veggie gardens, and flower beds.

Happy Monday all!

Friday Weigh In, and Ugh.

So, I weighed myself this morning and changed my ticker. I am officially up 3lbs. Boo... I know as soon as I stop with the alcohol and sweets it will come right off. I have my last party of the holidays today and hope this will be it for the bad eating. I just can't wait to get back to feeling like myself again.

Tomorrow is also my 4 month bandiversary. As of now I have lost 50 lbs in four months and I am really happy with that. I have never had restriction so I have proved to myself I can do this. I go in for my third fill on Tuesday and hopefully will finally start to experience the magic.

Happy New Year!