Wednesday, October 28, 2009

8 weeks exactly today

I am 8 weeks out from surgery today. I am so happy with all the things I have already gained and the weight I have already lost. I did weigh myself this morning, though it wasn't my official weigh day. I planned on weighing myself tomorrow morning to see if I made my next goal, but instead did it today. I am happy to say I have made that goal. I was down to 224lbs this morning. I lost 2.2 lbs in less than one week. This makes for a grand total of 35 lbs down in 9 weeks (including my pre-op diet). I am thrilled with this loss and hope to keep up the pace. I can't wait to get in the 21_ number range, and I am starting to feel the excitement of being under 200 lbs. I am hoping to get there by Christmas but that is a hefty goal.

Anyway, I feel so much better about myself. I work out every day, eat healthy, and am enjoying the life I am living. I have my moments of not-so-good, but the majority of the time I am proud of the journey I am on. I don't deprive myself, I don't feel like an outcast, and I feel normal. All in all, these have been 8 great weeks.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Thank GOD I got Monday out of the way!

I worked both Saturday and Sunday this past weekend and feel like I haven't had a break! I work full time so when I add an additional weekend day in it makes for a long week. The good news is I ate really well all weekend. I didn't have much time to screw around so I stayed on the straight and narrow. Thursday is my birthday and the impending visit from my parents have me thinking about eating off track.

This is where things get a little scary for me. I want to be able to relax and enjoy good food once and a while without stressing. I don't want to feel guilty, and I don't want to have unrealistic expectations. Sounds like the my appointment with the therapist tomorrow is just in time.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Fill scheduled

I am the one in green, and those are my wonderful parents, and my sister.

Yesterday I was at the grocery store when I got the call from my doctor's office. They were finally able to schedule me for my fluoro fill next Friday the 30th. Thank God! I need some back-up here, and my empty band just ain't doing it!

Wednesday my parents are coming to stay with us (they live 8 hours away) until that Saturday. Now, part of my weight problem came from those two fabulous people and I worry how things will go when they are in town. This same topic seems to be coming up on many of the LB blogs lately. I don't think my parents intentionally sabotage, but yet they do still sabotage. Add into this equation that Thursday is my birthday and you have the makings of a disaster!

Friday I will have to be on liquids all day, so that will save me some calories, and Thursday I work late, so that helps as well. But that still leaves the rest of the time. I have a plan, now all I need to do is follow it!

Friday, October 23, 2009

Friday Weigh In

Another 2.8 lbs down this week! I am at a grand total of 32.8 lbs down! I am getting there!

Happy Friday all!!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Therapy Session

Today I went to my weekly therapy session. I love these sessions. I really like my therapist and I feel like I really make great strides each visit. I feel like really getting to know myself is what is making the difference this time. I obviously have very strong feelings about food and there are reasons behind those feelings.

I am learning to cope with my new lifestyle and to treat myself with the respect I deserve. The largest challenge is learning to forgive myself for not being perfect. I need to still be able to be me and be healthy and moderate. I am impulsive and passionate by nature so tempering these wild sides takes work, and I don't want to deny them completely. My therapist has helped me to understand that there was never anything wrong with "me". Th problem only lies in how I handle my feelings.

Anyway... all is well... tomorrow is weigh in. Still no news on my fill appointment (grumble).

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Today I am exactly 7 weeks post-op and still no fill

I haven't heard back from the doctor's office yet about the date for my fluoro fill. I am annoyed. I was looking forward to this fill to refill my fear/motivation meter. I know I probably won't have any more restriction but that still doesn't mean I won't have serious fear of getting stuck and pbing. That keeps me on track perfectly for at least a few weeks.

I did get up this morning at 6 am to work out before work. It felt so good to get it over with before work instead of having to think about doing it after work. It was 45 minutes of step aerobics and I had a giant sweat ring around my neck when I was done. I will probably take the dog for a nice long walk when I get home because the weather is amazing here today.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

My fill= zero fill

So I went in for my first fill today. The whole experience was a bit rough. My appointment was at 9:45 but the doctor had a last minute schedule change and was going to be out of town this Friday so he double booked today. I didn't get in the exam room until 11. Then he attempted to fill me not once, not twice, but three times with no luck. It was sort of painful but mostly disappointing because I need to get started with these fills.

He was very apologetic and it was fine but now I have to wait for the nurse to call me and reschedule at the hospital so it can be done under fluro. I had to go straight to work after my appointment so I brought my lunch with me this morning. Of course I was planning on liquids so that is what I brought. Since there was no fill there was no need for liquids. So I stopped at the store and scrounged together some stuff for lunch. Blah.... an overall sucky appointment.

Monday, October 19, 2009

The weekend is over, now back to the grind

First I am starting off with a picture of Ike our wonderful Pit Bull/Boxer. He is the perfect start to a Monday!

Mondays are always a very busy day for me at work. It is good because I don't have any time to sit around and think about eating. Lately I am starving. My zero restriction is really getting to me. I am SO excited to go in for my first fill tomorrow!

In other news, it looks like it is going to be a very beautiful fall day here in Michigan. I will be sure to get out and give the dog a nice long walk again today. We took him for a couple miles yesterday but he gets tired and wants to lay down. I understand how he feels! Apparently Pit Bulls are not made for distance but for strength.

Lastly, I am really pushing to make my next goal of 225 by 10/29. I fear I may not do it! That is only one week from Thursday. I plan to give it my all though.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

I drank and entire bottle of wine

and I enjoyed it. I also had homemade mac n' cheese, a little turkey burger, sweet potato soup, banana bread, and chocolate cake. Though all these things I had in very small amounts. This was the first "bad" indulge I have had since my banding. But you know what, I don't even feel bad about it. I walked five miles yesterday and took a kick boxing class today. I am back at it whole hog today. I had a really great time with my friends and I have zero guilt because this is my life, not a diet. How liberating!

Friday, October 16, 2009

Goodbye Forever 230's

I weighed myself this morning and have hit the 30 lb down mark. I lost 2.4 lbs this week! I am so excited to be 229 and no longer in the 230's!! Woohoo!! Can't wait to be in the 210's!

Happy Friday!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Vitamin Water 10 XXX is my new lover

I freak'n love Vitamin Water 10 XXX. It tastes SOOOOOOOO good. If you drink the entire bottle it is 25 calories but o so worth it. I try to limit myself to one per day but man... I love that stuff. I am working until 9 tonight and on the reference desk working with the public until close so I needed something to keep me awake and motivated, the XXX will do the trick.

Today I had my weekly visit with the therapist. I live him very much. He really appreciates where I am coming from and makes me feel like all my feelings are important. I always feel better when I leave there. So, I was feeling good when I left and decided I would go to Whole Foods on my way home and pick up some groceries. I decided I would get a rotisserie chicken and pull it all apart so I could eat it for lunch and dinner and the same the next day.

When I got home I pulled it apart, measured it out into servings and put it in the fridge. I had a couple hours before work and wanted to get in at least a half an hour work-out in. By the time I had worked out, showered, and gotten dressed for work I was running late. I needed to eat lunch so I pulled out a serving of chicken and started eating it. I haven't had any issues at all with not chewing well enough or anything else really.... until today's chicken. I was eating fast, not chewing well, and the chicken wasn't "wet" enough. I had three of four bites and then STUCK. It hurt so bad. It didn't take too long to pass (maybe 20 minutes) but oww the misery. I decided to add some gravy to the rest of my chicken and take it for dinner. I ate a Greek yogurt and some cheese once I got to work and all was fine.

Lesson learned, chew and take my time.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Sick, and the count down to my first fill

Yesterday I called in sick. I actually left work an hour early on Monday with a really sore throat. I figured I was just tired and would feel better by morning. Well when yesterday morning rolled around I did not feel better, I felt much much worse. So, I sucked it up and saw my doctor. I have an ear infection and was given some good antibiotics. I feel better today but still have a sore throat. Funny thing is, my ear never really hurt.

When I get sick I always want McDonald's. Those salty fries feel so good on my sore throat. I did not give in, and instead ate healthy and felt good about it. I even cooked myself lunch so I didn't settle for something less filling.

I have also officially gone down a size in my True Fit jeans. I have the same trouser jeans is 3, 4, and 5 red. I bought them as I was getting fatter, not as I was losing weight. Well, I started out in a tight 5 and am now in the 4s. They are still snug but the 5 was just ridiculous and huge. I haven't changed sizes in anything else yet, but this is still exciting.

I have six days until my first fill. I can't wait. I also get to start incorporating grain products on October 28th. I am feeling limited with my food right now and am looking forward to a change.

Happy Hump Day!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Weekend Report (AKA Weekend Confession)

I had a really great weekend. It was so much fun and I enjoyed spending time with my husband and my friends. I also enjoyed the eating part a little too much. Friday night my husband and I went bowling, we haven't been bowling in forever and it felt like a fun little high school date. He got a few beers and I considered getting a glass of wine but felt like I could do with out... and seriously.. who drinks wine at a bowling alley!

Saturday I worked and Jason (my husband) and I had planned to go out to dinner. I had already had some ideas where I wanted to go and had looked at menus so I could feel confident about my dinner. Well as soon as I got to work my friend Kim asked me to go to lunch with her. Of course I said yes and she let me pick due to my dietary restrictions. I ended up getting a small bowl of white chicken and bean chili.

Right before I left work my husband called and said we had been invited to go out to dinner with another couple. We decided on middle eastern food. So... I had good intentions, but when we actually got to the restaurant all those intentions fell to the wayside. My husband and I shared a meal. We ordered chicken kabobs with grilled veggies and a side of hummus. It also came with lentil soup, my favorite! I ate the lentil soup, then ate chicken drowning in hummus and garlic sauce and a bunch of veggies dipped in hummus and garlic sauce. In reality, this is good healthy food. There is some olive oil involved but chicken and hummus and lentils and veggies are good stuff. I just ate too much. I am not really sure how much... I am guessing a couple cups all together. I felt slightly guilty about this but got over it.
Friday I had worked out a lot and planned to do a good hard run on Sunday as well.

Sunday I slept in until almost 10 am. It was amazing. It felt so good. I got out of bed, got on my workout clothes, and hit the treadmill. I jogged for about 30 minutes and decided to follow it up with some kick boxing. I felt good about this and ate a really healthy practical lunch. My husband is a teacher and had lots of planning to do for the week so he was busy all day. I didn't feel like cooking, I cook every night, and we needed some groceries. I suggested we go to Plum Market ( a smaller cuter Whole Foods) and pick something up. Well, they have the most amazing hot bar. It is HUGE. I had been craving Indian food and they had a whole delicious section of the hot bar dedicated to Indian fare. So I picked up the little take-out box and put in a scoop of two different kinds of chicken, a chick pea dish, and couple small potatoes and carrots. It tasted incredible.

I don't really think I ate that bad, it is just the fact that I don't know how bad. Plus this Saturday we have a party. A group of couples and us do this monthly dinner party taking turns hosting. I know it will be amazing food and drink. Guess I will just have to exercise some more!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

The weekend is always scary

I love the weekend, but I also dread the weekend. I feel like my eating is a little more out of control on the weekends because we go out to eat, have dinner with friends, or are just too busy to eat at home.

I am working today so I packed myself a good healthy meal for lunch. This always makes me feel better. Well, I got to work and one of my very good friends and co-worker asked me to go to lunch. My biggest issue with the Lap Band was that I wanted to maintain a normal life and not avoid social situations like I used to when I was on diets. I know that is not healthy and not sustainable. So, of course, I said yes. She told me I could pick the place since I still have dietary restrictions.

I picked a place, looked at the menu online, and decided on what I am going to eat. The problem is is that there are lots of really appealing things on the menu that I would love to eat but those would not be the best choices. I hope I can just stand firm on my food choice (white chicken bean chili).

Second problem is that my husband and I are going out to eat with another couple tonight. That means two meals out in one day. I may also drink. I can say that I won't but it all depends on how I am feeling at that time. I may want to indulge a bit. I have not indulged at all since my surgery (going on six weeks) and I want to live a little. Of course this is a dangerous path to walk. I don't want to get carried away, but I do want to live a little.

Friday, October 9, 2009


I love Friday, especially when I don't work (like today). I have a doctors appointment this morning at 9:30 so I wanted to get my workout in before that. Anyway, today is weight in day and I am down another 2.8 lbs. I have also made it to my first 10%. So, now I am down a total of 27.4. My next goal is to get down to 225 lbs by my birthday on October 29th. That means I need to lose to 6.6 lbs get there.

Happy Friday all!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Mopey today

So, last March I had surgery to have a pilonial cyst excised. Let me tell you... this was by far the most miserable and painful thing I have ever experienced. The procedure was about 4 hours long and it left me with an open wound 4 inches deep and 6 inches long. Did I mention that pilonidal cysts are right around your tailbone? So, for the past 8 months my husband has had to pack this open wound with damp gauze. In the beginning it took an entire roll stuffed in the open wound. Over time the wound got smaller and smaller, however, I had it reopened a few times because it was not healing correctly.

I was off work for six weeks and had a visiting nurse for two months. It was terrible. However, living with the cyst wasn't possible either. It would continually abscess, I would spike high fevers and get very ill. The cyst grew little "roots" through out my skin and was getting bigger and bigger.
Today I went it for my last follow-up with my surgeon. It is entirely closed but still continues to be pretty painful. I had talked to her about this earlier on in the healing process and she explained that this was due to all the sensitive new tissue and new nerves growing in. So, I figured no big deal. Well when I saw her today she explained that there was a new problem and the reason I am in so much pain is because of the way the wound healed.
Unfortunately my new tissue connected, in parts, the entire with of the wound without leaving a "butt crack". Now every time I sit those bands of tissue stretch and pull and it is very painful. She said there is nothing I can do now and that it just needs to stretch and settle but that I will need reconstructive surgery 2-3 years down the road.
This makes me very sad. I just wanted to be done with this, the pain to end, and to never have to have ass surgery again. Grrr...
Tomorrow I see my PCP just for a general post- Lap Band follow up. Hopefully she doesn't have anything crappy to tell me.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Counting down the days

I am counting down the days until my first fill. It is 13 days, or one week from next Tuesday. Even though I don't expect good restriction from my first fill, I still want to get started. I could eat anything I want right now in pretty much any amount. I haven't really tried to push my limits but I know my weight loss right now is solely based on self control.

My surgeon is very conservative (which I love) so my first fill will be 7 weeks post op. I have decided that I want to be one of those liberally restricted people. I want to be able to eat anything in small amounts. I do not want to feel as though there are some things I just can't eat. I also want to be able to eat "food" before noon.
I guess I can wait a couple more weeks. I will just have to work to stay on the straight and narrow!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Six Years Ago

A little over six years ago I got married. I just happened to pick up my wedding album today and look at some pictures. The day I got married I weighed 155lbs. Today I weigh somewhere around 236lbs. It wasn't easy for me to get to 155. I remember starting weight watchers at 186lbs (a weight I would kill for today). I struggled with my hunger and desire to eat but pushed through and made it down to 138lbs, as I tried to maintain I slowly creeped back up. I was happy with my weight on my wedding day. I think I look healthy and happy.
155 didn't stay around long. I slowly creaped back up to 186, then on to 195. I stayed around that for a while but was always on some diet. Now all I want is to be healthy and maintain a good weight. Ideally I would like to be 135, a weight I haven't been since I was 16, and I was only there for a very brief time. I am 5'4" and can hold a little more weight, but I would also like some wiggle room. I would like to be +5/-5 within 135, but if I never make it past 155, I would be happy.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Monday, a not so hungry day

Yesterday I was starving all day long. I worked 12-6 and was busy the entire time but I was still starving! I wanted to eat everything in site. I did eat way more then usual during the day but was able to tame the hunger beast by the time I left work. I got home around 6:20 and made myself some salmon. I don't like fish but I am working towards a better relationship with it.

I am learning more to eat for fuel and not so much for fun. I have found incorporating fish has worked wonders for that. I don't hate it but I don't find a great deal of pleasure in it either.

Today I am not hungry. I have eaten a few small things but just don't really want to eat. I put a pork loin in the crock pot before I left for work this morning. I am thinking that will smell good when I get home and I am going to roast some fingerling potatoes. I am not worried about not eating enough. I don't seem to have a problem getting in the calories!

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Working Sundays is always a downer

But Sundays are also time and a half. So I bit the bullet and decided to actually work this Sunday (I usually give them away). To add to the drama of Sunday, I am working in the children's department today (I am the teen services librarian and NEVER work in the children's department). I am not used to the questions about tall tales and fairy tales. I am more used to, "Where do I find the book about....uhhh... doing it".

I did manage to get my workout in as well as a healthy brunch before heading to work. I have been working out everyday for at least 30 minutes and I can feel a big difference! I do aerobics and light weight sculpting.

I also decided to start cleaning out my closet this morning. I realized that I had a lot of ugly clothes just because I was fat. I decided I was getting rid of all the ugly stuff if it fit or not. I am so not the type to wear sequins or rhinestones, however, it seemed the heavier I got the more I wore of those. It is funny to me how so many plus size clothes have these gross little details. Its like if you are fat you need to detract from you size with sparkly things.

I did also have some items that were too big. All in all I got rid of 5 garbage bags of clothes. I donated them to a local women's shelter that was asking for plus size clothing donations. It felt so good to get rid of stuff. My closet has been stuffed to the gills with a million different sizes of clothes "just in case". I decided there was no more just in case so as soon as it doesn't fit or I know I won't wear it anymore... away it goes.

Friday, October 2, 2009

And the scale said.....

Another 2.2 lbs down!! Woohoo! That puts me at a grand total of 24.6 lbs down! I wish I could have made it an even 25lbs but I am not complaining. I guess watching what I eat and exercising is really working. Who would have guessed?! :) Right now I am pretty much running on motivation and will power as I have ZERO restriction. However, I really want to do the best I can even before my first fill so I have been working hard.

The other exciting part of this is that my BMI is actually below 40! I am in the 30 now. That is extremely exciting! I am also 1.3 lbs away from my 10%. That makes my weight loss seem like so much more then 24.6 lbs when I think of it as 10%.

Nothing else to report on this rainy cold day in MI. I am going to my first support group meeting tomorrow. I will report back on that.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

My therapist already knows me better then I know myself!

Today, I went for my second appointment with my new therapist. Technically this is the 3rd time because he did my pre-op evaluation, but as a real patient.. this is the 2nd. I really really like this doctor. He is kind and understanding and already knows the real me. I had a really great session with him today and I left feeling good about things I have felt bad about for years. One of the things we talked about today was my two sides to my personality.

I have always been very creative and went on to get an bachelors of Fine Arts. I love art, I love creating it, admiring it, critiquing it...everything about it. However, after college I ended up doing jobs that I did not feel passionate about to pay the bills while doing artsy things on the side. One day I got tired of the not passionate feelings and decided I would get my Master of Library Science. So... now I am a librarian and LOVE my job. To me books were always pieces of art and now I am around them all the time.

I am a teen services librarian... so that means dealing with and getting to know all the people going through the angstiest part of their lives (the part I struggled with the most). I love all my kids. I see so much of me in many of them, and I am so proud when they have successes in their lives. In many ways I am still struggling with the things I struggled with in high school... feeling like I fit in... calming my manic side... and most importantly, staying true to Anna.

My therapist made me feel really good today. He made me understand that there is nothing wrong with this Anna and that I shouldn't stifle my creativity or passions. I think not being myself has been part of the eating... I feel like I have to fit a mold... be the person other people want me to be.

Enough of this heavy stuff... tomorrow is weigh in day! I hope I have a loss to report, but I will report even if it is with a gain.